I remember struggling with looking at legs of girls in my class in first grade. Can you imagine? The hormones were not to enter the equation for yet a number of years and I was already in the battle?

When I got married I shared this with my wife. She laughed. Apparently thinking that it was more cute than odd. I realize now that it is clear evidence of a compulsion innate in me that is extreme beyond the norm. I am thankful to Hashem that this interest in little girls was only when I myself was little. Never have I had an interest in child P___. So my interest in Suzie was age appropriate.(in a sense/sort of??!! - a tad extreme I"m sure you'd all agree)

You know here on the the forum we tend to share our shortcomings, our challenges and our failures. Sometimes we also share our successes. From time to time we also mention how so many of us were of the top in our respective Yeshivas. With me I was a solid learner but I would not say I was a star learner. However, I did have a deep seated yearning to come close to Hashem. A particularly strong will to be Mezakeh es Harabim.
Whenever this happens in the smallest way I feel a certain simcha as if my neshama is crying out : "Hey Yirai -(what took you so long?) ya did well, You did what you were created to do!."
I believe - that the fact that so many of us who are afflicted with this compulsion for lust are also so very spiritual by nature is a reflection of our lofty neshamas.
Remember the story of Abayai Gemarah Sukkah 52a. Abayai was a spiritual giant in a generation of giants and he attests that he would not have passed a test(based on lust)that a person much inferior to him spiritually did pass. His struggle, the gemara explains - was a tough one directly because of his extremely lofty spiritual status.
"Kol hagadol machaveiro yitzro gadol haymenu"
If we continue to follow the appropriate program for ourselves, and be zoche for the siyata dishmaya to consistently stay clean and not act out, we can go out and accomplish other monumental spiritual accomplishments.

Well I think it's time for a change of routine. - bli neder- Until right before Rosh Hashanah I don't plan on any posting. Just PMs and communicating with those I sponsor. and - oh yah, pressing the "I'm still clean" button if I'm so zocheh.

KolTuv and see yah in a few weeks I"H o' holy warriors

We will miss you but it's what you've got to do.

It's now been a full year!!!

I can't believe it. It's been some journey. My emotions are both mixed and powerful.

I joined this holy forum 1 full year ago as a broken fellow - engaging in P_______ and phone sex from time to time. (M____ was not a problem) But oh my!!! The guilt would lay so very heavy on me.

I really have not engaged in viewing P___ or phone S_____ for an entire year.

and I even have had stretches of months when things seemed to be smooth as ever.

HOWEVER, I did have many slips along the way. and a couple of days ago as well. This has made me very uneasy. Gibbor120 who has been sober, I believe for over 5 years, just posted that the journey is still challenging at times. These words were so crucial and timely for they have given me the reassuring feelings of ease and tranquility I desperately need.

So I am apprehensive about keeping my sobriety. Yet, I am one happy dude as well.

How did I do it?
Well this is the short of it. I joined GYE and began to post and learn. I learned quickly that I CANNOT DO IT- and that we are truly powerless and need to give the fight over to Hashem. I was a total Am Haretz in this area and seriously needed guidance. The forum really was my tool of learning. I have not gone to meetings or read the white book. As well, my wife is not aware of my "challenge"(illness if you will)
I davened a lot and learned from you guys, that you have to be very diligent in keeping a far distance from triggers. The Y"H is so shrewd in this regard, as we are all aware.

Perhaps the greatest of gifts I received from the forum is the ability to lend a helping hand.I have two members whom I sponsor. These are relationships I cherish so. They are both so honest and caring. As well, I believe they are both more intelligent than I am. The fact they sought me out and continuously seek my friendship and counsel is a most humbling matnas chinam.

In truth almost every part of the forum is a mussar unto itself.

Just to name a few:

Reading the posts of those who just joined. Sensing within their words their desperation and helplessness. To know I was there not so long ago. To know that to go back to the depths of this gehinnom is unfortunately just a few taps of the computer away.

Observing how some with multiple addictions, pick themselves up, go to meetings and can even quote the "book" chapter and verse shows a level of allegiance to their goal and perseverance of spirit that I can only dream of.

Observing the outpouring of care that so many show to those who need help especially after a crushing fall r"l.

To see people get up time after time after time only to eventually make it.For here on the forum there are only two types. Those who are in recovery and those on the way.

From the depths of my heart I thank you Hashem.

And thank you members of the forum, for continuously holding my hand, guiding me and giving me the opportunity to give back.

Thank you for that beautiful and inspiring share! Mazel Tov! Mazel Tov!

MAZAL TOV, and KOT!

yiraishamaim wrote on 04 May 2015 03:35:

Amen

Thanks Cords
During the See Saw of the journey of Sobriety we never really return exactly to the way we were at an earlier time, Do we?

Hopefully wiser.

yiraishamaim wrote on 28 Apr 2017 03:29:

Nope.

YesI, hopefully, with honesty and willingness to listen to others.

k gotta work on that,

yiraishamaim wrote on 28 Apr 2017 14:10:

You have been.

cordnoy wrote on 28 Apr 2017 12:46:

Completely agree. I don't know how much "real sobriety" I've gained over the past few years on gye, but I am no question a completely different person.

It was so many years ago yet I remember it so clearly. I was 18 years old I am now over 50. I decided with a few friends that while we would be in the city that day we would try to sneak into a movie theater known for its "dirty movies" At the time there was no internet. Shmutz and acting out essentially had to do with magazines and movies.



We were "successful" and entered the theater. What I saw startled me. The last 4 to 6 rows were filled and tightly filled with men in their sixties and seventies. They all looked sort of saddened and empty but not necessarily of low income.

The rest of the theater was empty except for us 3 kids. I looked back at these men and thought " do they still have urges like us young guys? Is there nothing else they could do in their golden years? I certainly won't be such a loser at their age. Only now, when I am young and H_____ will I go to such a place. For me going here is sorta normal but these old geysers???"



I have since learned that P____, acting out and the like is not so uncommon for the elderly. It is clear that sexual addiction just does not go away. Young men so inclined become middle-aged men so inclined and eventually turn into elderly men ...



Is there anything more sadder and more reprehensible as a dirty old man?



Conversely, the person who works on himself with a proper program of recovery is the polar opposite. He becomes more self-confident as he works his program.

AT THIS POINT- Although continuing his recovery he feels capable of working on other middos. Daven and learn more. His glowing nature becomes conspicuous to others.



"Chochmos Adam Tair Panav" He becomes a dignified person with a happy disposition.





Hachaim V'hamaves is really in our hands. If we have the desire and put forth the right



hishtadlus, G-d will take care of the rest.


Huh. HTML is very annoying. This is a quote from this post on this thread but the quotey part disappeared somehow.

chosemyshem wrote on 25 Jul 2024 16:05:

your post reminded me of the the elderly man i once encountered who was stuck in an electric wheelchair with only limited use of his hands.  he too was stuck in the world of masturbation and self gratification .  It was so sad and definitely a wake up call.

Shem
This reminds me of your post on your 90 day thread about the taste of death.
guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/402116-Chooseurnames-90-day-trip?limit=15&start=285#415452

I can relate to all of this. As I get older and see that time alone does not heal. It takes real work.

I am still shaking after reading your depsction of the tast of death. (I read it a few days ago)

Yikes!!!!

I better work on myself!!!