Mazal Tov!  Halevei Veiter!

I received some upsetting news today and it's making me feel nauseous. I'm thinking acceptance etc and said some prayers. The good thing is that I don't have to escape into acting over it. 

serenity wrote on 29 Mar 2017 23:37:

Sorry to hear.
 thanksI for the share.
We are here.
 God is there.

B'hatzlachah

Sorry to hear.
We are thinking of you
G-d is here.
We are there.

So Sorry.

It's not health related. Baruch Hashem. 

Only good tidings from here on out. Hatzlocha.

peloni almoni wrote on 08 May 2016 05:45:

Time for another heartfelt bunch for the IMA from my brother

I know I act like a cranky old goat when I come to this forum. I start out with the best of intentions and with patience and understanding but I lose it quickly. And who am I really to be intolerant toward anyone? Just because God let me cobble a few days of sobriety together I think that makes me special. That's what happens to many of us though. We forget how awful we were and then get intolerant toward others. I know that once the intolerance and impatience slips in, I'm only a step away from blocking god out and losing everything. I just want to say one thing friends: you do not need to watch pornography. There is nothing forcing you to do so and it serves no vital function in your life. B"H, I haven't watched pornography in three years and I don't have a filter, I didn't take an oath and I didn't chain myself to a radiator. Just don't click on a frikin porn site, if you truly don't want to. Or be my guest click on all the porn you want but stop pretending you think it's shmutz and saying you don't want it. 

Disclaimer: I'm only speaking for myself and people like me who consider themselves Sexaholics as the condition is described in the SA White Book. 

I've been listening to recordings of SA speakers while I drive and whenever I have free time. The positive part of my personality is that I can really throw myself into things. Obviously I have to set limits and always talk with my sponsor about what I'm doing.

Anyway Harvey A.  was pointing out that the discussions in meetings have become very focused on the sexual or lustful act. The problem for a "Sexaholic" is not the act, it's the driving force behind the act and lust is the driving force behind the act. So I need to define what lust is for me and recoil from it like a flame. Someone in SA said to me that lust is a raging fire. 

The definition of Lust is the using of a natural desire for an unintended and unnatural purpose. And lust isn't limited to lust after people. I can lust after money, power, respect and many other things. I can lust after being a Rosh Yeshiva. It's all about the state of mind of the sexaholic. And I can also lust after shlamus as a Ben Torah. And the Sexaholics who don't get this can never stay sober without relapse because as Harvey puts it, we were never sober to begin with.

I hear people all the time lusting after sobriety and it is ever elusive to them. Of course we can't get and stay sober. We don't know what sobriety is and our motivating force in our sobriety is the very same thing that causes our addiction to begin with - Lust. 

Someone asked me how a Sexaholic of the hopeless variety like me can go onto a computer without a filter and not watch porn. The Answer is that it all depends on my state of mind when I go on the computer and the fitness of my mental condition (I avoid the word spiritual condition because too many people here will substitute spiritual for frum.) If I go onto that computer when I know that every time I go on the computer I watch porn then I am just straight out sick and suffering and don't have recovery. Just to be clear the proof that I'm still stick and suffering is not that I watch porn every time I go onto an unfiltered computer. I may never be able to go onto an unfiltered computer no matter how recovered I am. Even Harvey A who has something like 30 years of real sobriety knows that he can't take certain actions without them leading to Lust and eventually acting out. The sickness is thinking that this time will be different. That this time I will have the power. The filter isn't there to prevent from watching porn, It's there because I don't have the power on my own to sign into an unfiltered computer and not watch porn. In the Doctor's Opinion, I have an allergy and an obsession. It's like a guy who has an allergic reaction to peanuts but thinks this time he can eat peanuts and it will be okay. Except that we do this over an over for years on end. I know for a fact that if I watch porn on a computer it will lead me to misery. So if I do that time and time again then there is something really wrong with me. And for me it starts way before I turn on my computer. If I conscientiously pursue any form of lust in my life, it will lead me to restless, irritable and discontent and then I will eventually turn to my drug of choice for help.  Because when I lust after something I block God out, whether that be lusting after having kids who are obedient like the ones I see next door, the guy who is more successful than me in business, or the marriage of my neighbor. Once God is blocked out then I seek my shalmus elsewhere. For a regular person Lust may not cause all that and may be fine and well, but for me it is toxic. 

I used to be jealous of my friend's marriage and wished mine could be more like his.They ended up getting divorced to my shock. My lust after his marriage was all based on the falsehood my addict's mind. 

​Thanks for letting me share. I hope it helped someone. I know it helped me. 

I knew my Karma was going to get lowered, lol. 

Thanks guys. I'm sure one of those bumps was from Mark Z.  and another from Cords. 

If you know anything about cats, you may appreciate this comparison to addiction. Cats are very instinctual (as I'm sure other animals are as well) and when their instincts take over they can be hard if not impossible to redirect. 

A friend of mine was saying how his cat would go out at night in the snow and come back all beat up. It had an injured leg and was not in the best of shape. And yet still the next night there was some other cat out there that he was pursuing and he would charge out into the cold and snow in pursuit. Are we much different when our desires take over and we are recklessly driven after something to fulfill them. 

Some quotes or paraphrases from a recovered alcoholic named Paulie:

It's not the first drink that gets me drunk. It's the thought that I can have the first drink that does it.

Step one isn't that I can't drink no matter what. It's that I will drink no matter what. (Powerlessness.) (Don't stop at step one )

I just said the third step prayer, so did I just take the third step? No. The third step is just making a decision to turn my will and life over to the God of my understanding. Steps four through nine are carrying out that decision.

Alcohol was never my problem. My problems start when I stop drinking. I take comfort in alcohol. If you remove that and don't replace it with anything I'm miserable.

​I'm powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable. Paulie, how is your life unmanageable? Well I don't talk to my sister, my house is in foreclosure, I lost my job.  No Paulie that's all normal stuff that happens when you're a drunk. Even a normal person who drinks heavily will have all those problems. What's the stuff in your life that's unmanageable even without alcohol?  (Hint: restless, irritable and discontent with a huge hole and an empty feeling despite having a good wife, loving children and a good job.)  That's the alcoholic mind.

___________________________

Just to share on the last one and for some of us who may struggle with the definition of sexaholic. I had a promising career, a great future, eventually I was married to a beautiful and loving wife and we had wonderful children together and a home full of yiddishkeit. But I was still empty inside and I filled that emptiness with lust and sex with self. No matter how good my life was there was still that void and if you took away my lust it only got worse. If you can relate to that then you may be like me. I need something that will fill that hole and I find that one day at a time by working the 12 steps that Bill W shared with us and with the help of my higher power.