lionking wrote on 25 May 2021 13:42:

What do you suggest? Regular posting on this thread? The email chain?

BTW Grant, stop beating yourself up!! Look at this thread, the achdus you have accomplished, let alone all your contributions to us the GYE community. Nu... maybe G-d does not expect us to never fall. Who knows...Maybe he just expects us to give our best and never give up no matter what...look at this heilige kehile... Yidden fighting shmutz, against all odds in a depraved society, how can this not be some sort of life mission for everyone here... Yehi ratzon you should never fall again. But Yehi Ratzon too you should never leave us... Your chizzuk is invaluable...

Grant400 wrote on 25 May 2021 16:02:

I'll be honest. I needed that fall. I knew it was going to happen. It was only a matter of time. I am going to have to make huge changes. I know why I fell and I removed 99% of the cause at a high cost for me. (I cannot remove all because of business reasons.) I just can't afford the cost of continuing like this. B"H my falls now are negligible compared to many months ago, but I gotta rip myself out of this already.

Now I'll really honest. What I just wrote is a load of hogwash.

The problem is - I said this so many times before. I typed this too many times in the past. So what's gonna change?!? Every time I start fresh with a vengeance from the devastating lack of enjoyment from the act I craved, it eventually fades into nothingness. 

Will I just continue to parrot the words my brain wants to hear, without feeling it it the way my heart wants to feel? Continue to fool myself?

Why am I so foolish? Why do I still convince myself that my excuses work, when they are so flimsy I wouldn't trust them to hold a day old tuna fish sandwich?!?

Will I be on this site forever, still gleefully clicking "clean" for a while and then tearfully hit the "fall" button? Can I continue to "realize the issue...remove it...and expect change?

All the causes and all the excuses are c**p. The blame is on me. The onus cannot be placed on anyone/anything else. Will I continue to live like white trash in a trailer park? Will I lose control like a car in a blizzard? Is truth so foreign to me, I forget its name constantly? 

Oh! What to do?

Grant400 wrote on 25 May 2021 16:30:

That was such an amazing post, Grant. Thank you for sharing your feelings and being honest. I can so relate to everything you wrote. This line touched me the most: "Will I be on this site forever, still gleefully clicking "clean" for a while and then tearfully hit the "fall" button?" I can feel your pain and frustration and I can join you.

I don't know if I am in a better place or worse but I may tie less worthiness to the whole parsha and therefore am less attached. Not sure if this helps me or not, just saying that when I was still crying over every fall I was an emotional wreck. I cried because I felt I had no control. I try to grow in all areas of life including this one, but this is just one of them. We are all growing, and for that we must be grateful. 

Hi guys! Good morning! 

Yes, I'm all chirpy, cause...one day at a time!

I have a theory. When I iniinitially joined GYE, I worked on discipline and control. I learned to value good and despise bad. I learned techniques and tricks. I learned to recognize what's truth and what isn't. I was really shteiging and I slowly worked my way up to close to 180 days. The I got comfortable, became complacent, and..  

Then I fell.

Immediately I invigorated myself and committed to a taphsic, knasos, punishments and kabalos. All fired up for rectifying my bad choices, but I continued to slip and fall no matter how much my savings account depleted. Did it help alot, yes - not always is a person willing to pay $500 for a peek, but nothing in me was changing. It was like locking an alcoholic in jail. He may not have access to any hard stuff, but as soon as he breaks loose he's gonna be sucking dem stuff down. I believe the term is dry drunk. 

What I gotta do is change my mindset back to what it was initially. No more can I answer desire with "too expensive" or "you said Hashem's name in your shvuah", It's gotta come from me. Me not wanting it. Me, my heart and brain, not that other animalistic part.

I must start to work on yiddishkeit as a whole. Davening, learning, yiras shamayim etc. It's gotta become an "I don't want" instead of "I can't". 

How long will it take? What steps exactly to do? What new practices to accept? I'm not sure yet, but it will be done.

I have faith in myself. I really do.

I acted foolish last night and fell.
Why? Because I am insane.
At least now it is out of my system, instead of the last few days where I was struggling constantly with just wanting a release.
Price is $164, paying up and recommitting again.

Sorry guys
The new price is $156
I hope to somehow pay up my new debt. 
Obviously I am done with the challenge but best of luck to all