Striving for Excellence

Introduction

I've been waiting for some time to introduce myself. I wanted to be 'well on the way' before I posted my own journey, I feel more comfortable this way. I must of discovered GYE I believe at least a good 6 years ago, if not more, but it was a mere glance here and there. Over the past 2 years I started reading up much more on GYE, I printed the handbook & read up a lot, however I did not become a member. Nearly half a year ago I was overlooking a friend whilst he was looking at his emails & I noticed that he was signed up to the daily Chizuk emails. Being that GYE was on my mind anyway it gave me the boost to go ahead and sign up, (he doesn't even know what a Zechus he has -perhaps it's you!). Last Rosh Hashono I made a Kaboloh to be more active by using GYE's platform/resources regarding my personal battle with this struggle. You may have seen my posts here and there, & BH this Kaboloh has given me a renewed lease of life, mostly in regards to my perspective on this battle, how to fight, and on marriage in general.

The idea I have in mind by posting my story, which I see as pretty simple and basic, is to inspire all those who lurk around here but don't feel that their struggles are anything too big in particular, perhaps rather basic, or those who find that they keep telling themselves "this will be the last time I fall", to please take my advice and get out your shell by speaking to someone at GYE, or at least post on the forum, (because we won't let go of you!). It makes no difference where you're holding on the spectrum of this struggle but if you struggle even just with mzl, even if it's only at intervals, but you find that you don't seem able to totally break free, then I beg of you PLEASE PLEASE reach out. The professionals here have so much to offer and so much want to help, why wouldn't you make that first step towards your own happiness/ Menuchas Hanefesh?

Many times the question has been asked, 'why are there so few people active on the forum, relative to the 30,000 users signed up to GYE?', I believe that the answer may be, because many of us feel we don't struggle as strong as those on the forum, or we're more comfortable battling this on our own. We lurk around for Chizuk but remain silent. Oh, how foolish, don't we see we're not managing on our own, are we not desperate just to break free/grow up, etc. Let's stop living in denial that every time we fall will be the last time, or that at the next stage I will be clean or any other one of the Satan's tactics. This is also a call to the hundreds of Bochrim out there. DON'T WAIT, ACT KNOW. You're still young, you have such beautiful lives ahead of you, why wait. Sorry for venting but it's on my heart. I was like this for so many years, always excusing myself that at the next stage, it will be a thing of the past, this went on for 11 or so years, until I just picked up the phone to GYE who gave me incredible practical tools on how to break free. Instead of spending your days with patchwork, like kenosos, they will guide you through and show you the correct perspective. Once again I Beg & plead of you, don't just sit back- Do something.

Part one, coming shortly…

excellence wrote on 23 Jan 2021 21:36:

Mazeltov on 90 days!
Very glad to see you start your own thread. You've given a lot of chizuk on other threads so I'm looking forward to hear what you have to say!

Mazel tov on 90 days!

Your chizuk is enormous!
Thank you!

Looking forward to "part 1"

Big Mazel tov for 90 days!!! To many more iyh!
Looking forward to hearing about you!

Mazel Tov!
Cant wait to get to know you!

Ah, finally we get to know R' Excellence. Looking forward. Congrats on 90!

Great idea.

Maybe gye could publish a book (with permission from the authors of course), and sell it in all the Judaica Bookstores...

Welcome to the chevra who post. Your comments will iyh be appreciated and will inspire.

If i may point something out. Those of us who had perfectionist leanings (like me) learned the hard way to strive for success - not for excellence...........Please forgive me - it is just that i suffered immensely from that mindset.  Of course the title of your thread can stay just the way it is, just don't confuse the goal. Hatzlocha.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 24 Jan 2021 04:17:

@HHM I think @excellence actually posted about this at length once, and part of his journey is specifically this point, as he wrote on a few occasions.

Cant wait.

I for one have a pretty generic and boring story and benefited a lot from posting. I even think some others benefit from my posts as well, even though my story is much simpler than theirs. It's not a stirah, everyone has something unique to add to the heilige chevra over here. 

Hatzlachah and mazal tov on 90 days.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 24 Jan 2021 04:17:

Dear HHM,

Thank you so much for taking from your time to post on my thread. My therapist taught me that there is an intrinsic difference between "excellence" and "perfectionism", where excellence is actually a positive motivation and a healthy goal compared to perfectionism which is a negative drive and unhealthy. As @sapy posted I will elaborate on this in a later post, to explain myself clearly, as the above may not be so clear.

Thank you for caring, & please keep sharing.
Excellence

Thank you very much to all those who have taken time to post here, and I am very grateful for all the thank you's.

Part one

Recently some Tzadikim here on the forums have posted their serial stories, I won't try to compete as I'm not writing this in story format, but here goes anyway.

Today I am BH happily married with a number of Children Bli Ayin Hora, in my late 20's, a full time learner, and involved in Klei Kodesh, but let's rewind the clocks a bit:

I was born into a well-known Choshuve/Torahdik family, a family of Rabonim/Mechanchim. Growing up I was the better one in my family, the masmid, good head & my parent's pride. Always got top marks in Gemara, good chavrusos in Yeshiva, and as far as an outsider is concerned, life was smiling at me.

Now, let's talk about the home I was brought up in. My parents are what we call "from the older generation", partially children of holocaust survivors, so as you can imagine they didn't excel (to put it mildly) in disciplining with love or in fulfilling my emotional needs in being a content healthy individual. Chazal tell us '"אסור לאדם להטיל אימה יתירה בתוך ביתו, I'm not going to judge whether the home I was brought up in crossed this red line or not, but I can say for certainty that for whatever reason I had this constant fear/insecurity at home, I am not going to elaborate on this, (BH therapy in E.Y helped a lot for this- if anyone is looking for a recommendation for a good frum therapist in E.Y, please pm me). As you can imagine I lacked an incredible amount of warmth & emotional stability/security that a child needs from his home. This lacking manifested itself from a young age in a search for love, and perhaps even freedom from my inner self. I have early memories, long before I matured of being rude in all sorts of ways, and a curiosity for this sort of thing. Around Bar Mitzva age a so called 'mechanech' spoke to me about growing up and mentioned the Issur of mzl, this was ever so pathetic, I had no idea what he was talking about, and he had no idea how to bring up the subject. This left me confused. Just to make matters worse, he told me every time I even have Keri, I must go to Mikva- which caused me years of hell, going to Mikva from a young age, hiding it from my parents, right through Yeshiva, and if I didn't go to Mikva I felt rotten.

Part 2 coming shortly ….

excellence wrote on 23 Jan 2021 21:36:

I hope you find mind me hijacking your thread for a moment. Where does this this 30,000 number come from? Is this people signed up to the chizuk emails and WhatsApps, or it is davka to the forum?

Looking_to_improve wrote on 24 Jan 2021 21:59:

On Gye's donation page:
How many people is GYE Helping?

Right now, GuardYourEyes has over 30,000 members, and every day, 5 to 10 new frum yidden reach out to GuardYourEyes for help. We have websites in English, Hebrew, Yiddish, French and Spanish. Rav Elya Brudny told us that if we don’t have at least 100,000 members, we’re not doing justice to this battle!

Oh, & your spoiler got me laughing...., There not in the BB thread. Perhaps there on the wall of honor thread!! I better check!!

Part 2

At some point I matured, I had no idea what was happening to myself, I would find myself getting excited, and it was awkward. No one was kind enough to inform me about the change that was taking place inside me. I remember constantly being conscious of these changes, especially when in Mikva. I mean, how was I meant to figure out on my own that this is normal and even healthy? (These worries caused me a lot of distress for the next few years, as a number of times my body would ejaculate on its own after pushing myself in the bathroom, or similar other physical worries I had, and I was just so scared to broach onto this subject with anyone, which caused a lot of constant anxiety boiling up inside me). Then came the first time, I had no idea what was coming and I was mzl, I was a high school boy at the time, I suddenly felt terrible, shaken & scared. Both because I wasn't sure if I was physically healthy, at one point I even thought I will never be able to have kids…. and after looking up a bit here and there and realizing it was forbidden, I felt terrible.

All this was on the inside, but on the outside I was this happy excellent kid. Of course, once led to twice, I started masturbating more and more, every time telling myself I won't do it again. Then I went to Yeshiva with this secret, and of course I felt I was the only rosho who struggles with this.

I spent all my years in Yeshiva masturbating with ups and downs, but at the same time I was still this top Yeshiva Bochur. At one point, age 16 or so the mashgiach called me in, he noticed a Yerida, but instead of trying to get to the bottom of my struggle, he just told me I need to be mechazek, and once when I tried to go down the lane of my struggles he just diverted the conversation. For years I suffered in silence, of course I was trying to get my eyes on gazing at anything I could, fantasizing was a huge struggle, I had lots of questions, and I lived in denial. To make this even harder, due to my upbringing I struggled with perfectionism, which made my perception of myself 100 times harder. I spent every Rosh hashono & Yom Kippur only thinking about this Aveira, - A huge mistake. It made no difference, I fell both before and after. In my early days in Yeshiva this led to a physical encounter with another bochur which lasted all but a few minutes BH.

At this stage in my life and for many years later, what bothered me immensely was the thought that "am I the only crazy guy out here that is so sexually driven"  if there are so many others like this then why is there close to NO GUIDANCE AT ALL in the standard yeshivos? Also from my perception of people's comments or from things people were prepared to do, it seemed to me all too often that they just didn’t struggle or these triggers didn't affect them. In reality however sadly I later figured that the term p..n…y is not as foreign as I thought to most FRUM Jews on this planet.

Another big issue I had, is that due to my upbringing (for a number of reasons) I was an extremely tense boy, which manifested itself in a big way in my learning/Avodas Hashem. Whilst I was sitting singing the Gemora, many would see a bochur sweetly enjoying his learning, however the reality was that I was very intense and the complete opposite of relaxed whilst I learnt/Davened. All this led me to living on a roller coaster, and as soon as the tension got too strong I would escape into the world of fantasy and masturbate. The tension/anxiety was also a cause for even the slightest of things to be a trigger- those who have experienced this will understand…

Another similar outcome of my upbringing is that being that I was raised in an ultra frum home, arriving in yeshiva where there was diversity, lots of behaviors were new to me and subsequently became triggers. i.e foul language, I would use this to trigger myself alot.

Part 3 coming shortly ….