I am having some interesting days lately and wondering if this resonates with anyone else. BH I am holding by 70+ clean days. I am very proud of my accomplishment bchasdei Hashem. However, interestingly enough for the past day or 2 I feel less "clean" than I did at 30 or 40 days. It is not any particular action that I am doing. I did not have a fall or even much of a slip other than what I have mentioned here. It is more like the dreams or hirhurim etc. I have read on here of others having similar ideas at 20 or 30 days clean. I am wondering if this is the Yetzer Hara telling me "Ha! you think you are such a holy roller because yo have 70 +days. Nope you are still Lou with dreams and fantasies etc." ?Or is it a natural consequence of getting clean and not giving in to the Taivas that eventually it is getting to me? (Some other environmental factors may be at play but would rather not get into that over here).
Either way BH,I really don't think I will have a fall or even a slip because of this. It's just more of an emotional wanting to feel "clean" that I am seeking. That is not the goal here but a good feeling is certainly part of the road to the goal.
Thank you for listening. Any feedback is welcome
Lou

Yes, I definitely experience my own "clean feeling" days and "less clean feeling" days which is dependent on a wide range of factors. Sometimes for no reason at all there are those niggles from the y"h. For me, I look it this as a lifelong avoida and the goal is not to always "feel clean" necessarily but to be able to stay the course how ever I am feeling at the moment. B"H in the overall picture I do feel clean even if there are tougher days here and there. 

For me, being able to acknowledge the less geshmaka days and feelings that come along with those days without panicking and reacting to them has been making a huge difference. I find that when I allow them to be there when they are there they inevitably go away at some point like the changing weather and we can enjoy better days up ahead. (Today was actually such a day for me and b"H I was able to sit with it without doing anything that I would later regret).

Hatzlacha!

Lou wrote on 03 Mar 2021 23:02:

Just a thought. Maybe the cleaner you are, the more sensitive you become. In the beginning whatever you stopped doing, felt like a tremendous change, so inevitably you felt much cleaner. At this stage you are much more sensitive and therefore even "acting out" to a lesser degree makes you feel tainted. Could be a good thing.

In all honesty,I don't have much to say now. Just checking in to say BH things are going well for me with inyanim related to GYE.
Thank you Hashem and thank you all!

As BH, I am further on the road to purity,I am able to gain more clarity in what triggers me. I think in all honesty,while I was deep in the muck I really didn't care to think about what caused it and what didn't. Now,with some clean time I am noticing more.

For example, last night I spent over an hour watching the ATIME shasothon. Very inspiring and really enjoyable. However,when it was over,I was suddenly tempted to find garbage. Not a logical move as I was truly inspired.However,I thought a bit and came to realize that has happened to me many times in the past.(I was not on Youtube so it wasn't just getting stuck going from video to video down the rabbit hole). I discovered that after spending significant time watching anything,I am triggered. BH at this point I can deal with and it wasn't a major issue. But it brought awareness to me.

Similarly,one morning it was a rough morning in my house with getting the kids out etc. My wife blamed me(of course she was wrong!). It blew over quickly and all was good. However,all the sudden I was lusting. Again,not logical but now I see more clearly that when I feel low or are attacked I am triggered.

Does this mean I should never watch something like the Shasathon again? Should I expect never to feel low in the Shalom Bayis department? No,to both questions. It just means I have to be aware of what might come following that and be prepared.

Life will continually have these situations. Avoiding them is good,but not the full solution. Awareness and preparedness is key.

Thank you for listening to me talk to myself.

Lou

BH this Kaballah is going well and affecting more than just those 10 minutes. 
I am now Mekabel the same kaballah for 15 minutes. This is only for this particular station and details are same as I posted in the original post.
Thank you

For many years I have pushed myself to kinda brush up my act and get to some sort of level of cleanliness before Leil Haseder. Some years I was more successful than others. But never(since I got involved in this garbage) have I been able to come to the Seder beH with this level of cleanliness.
Hodu laHashem ki tov ki lioilam chasdo!!!!!!
Thank you Hashem and thanks to all of you!
Lou

90 Days BH!

Lou wrote on 21 Mar 2021 03:11:

Real Pesach Cleaning Deal. Way to go!!!

Mazal tov!!

Mazel tov Lou!!!! Ith by all of us! May you continue to grow, and please dont leave us...

Hodu laHashem ki tov ki lioilam chasdo!!!!!!

That's what it's all about!

Mazal tov! Many more with Hashem's help!

Enjoy the moment, enjoy the purity and build on it. Pesach is the time of the birth of Klal Yisrael. You are a new person, like a new baby that is born, just like klal Yisrael after Yetzias Mitzrayim. Don't forget when you say hallel, to have in mind your own personal geulah!

Hatzlacha!
Wilnevergiveup

MAZEL TOV!
your an inspiration fir all of us!

I second what @willnevergiveup said...he took the words right out of my mouth. "Don't forget when you say hallel, to have in mind your own personal geulah"

but really, I think everyday when we "say no" we are leaving our own mitzrayim and experiencing our personal geulah.

Too many more daily geulahs!

Mazel Tov!
Thank you for being an inspiration for myself and many others.

Hatzlocha!

YeshivaGuy

Lou wrote on 21 Mar 2021 03:11:

Mazal tov! It's a new life. Amazing! Keep going my friend. From the moment you started your journey here I knew you would reach 90. You are the real deal. Stick around!