.

Join the club. Many of us have experienced the same.

Great first post especially if being open doesn't come naturally to you. Honest and courageous. You will iyh be helped here.

As was written on the chat, this is how our thoughts progress.
we feel disconnected when we think we are fakers hypocrites reshaim and losers we find out that many nice frum normal otherwise healthy successful people struggle with this  we start to realize that this aspect of our lives does not define us. we are good people who have a weakness. we keep other mitzvos. we want to be good but we beat ourselves up so much about this issue that we view ourselves as rotten cursed and worthless we cant even begin to help ourselves because we are so low, so hated by Hashem. If others would know who we really are they would vomit and run away  we expect to receive the worst hell after 120 and our escape mechanism is to shut down and stop caring  yiush sets in and its downhill from there. Hashem hates me anyway. My ancestors in shomayim are embarrassed from me

Sorry that I didn't copy more from the chat but you got the idea

Welcome brother



Amazing dov recording posted yesterday (below) where he elaborated on the point that if you cannot open up honestly to another person, there is NO WAY that you have a connection to an invisible Gd



So what you wrote first is the BIG underlying problem.

Maybe call a close rebbe and ask him what to do about the big problem, and other problems will fall away too ;-)



[checkout dov calls, and his recordings are at [url]guardyoureyes.com/kosher-isle/shiurim/category/dov-s-recovery-talks[/url] ]

Welcome fellow Lakewooder/Lakewoodian

Nice share for a first post
In my humble opinion you should give Dov a call he is very experienced in this matter
You can email him to get in contact his email is on the site by the phone conferences 

Hatzlacha and keep on posting we are here for you

(I'll be in Lakewood around Sukkos if you want to meet maybe we know each other!) 

Thanks. I guess that makes sense but it's kinda disheartening...I don't really have anyone I can open up to

.

Hi Brother.
Thank you for opening up, it will only bring you closer to hashem, talking to people, listening to people, and getting chizuk from each other.
listen, when we live the life we lived before working on our struggles, it only makes sense to have all this kind of thoughts, its very normal when you live a double life to have all kind of questions, and feel like a piece of garbage, and a liar.
start working on your issue, this place is THE place to work on it, i was struggling for many many years on the same problem, and finally the last half year im doing BH great, thanks to the members of GYE... so, please get yourself a partner with whom you will be very very open, every detail, so he will be able to help you on every step, read the GYE hand book, post and read on the forums, use the chat option.

You will do great, im positive, because im doing great, and all of these thoughts will dissolve, promise….

Stay strong buddy….

Welcome!  Many of us have been in your situation, at least parts of it.  I was terrified and never told anyone until my wife caught me.  I wish I had gotten help sooner, but you are right, it is terrifying.  Posting here may make it a little less terrifying.  You can post and see that you are understood.  You can see that you don't die of embarrassment.  Take it one step at a time.  Get comfortable here.  Read the handbook.  Keep posting.  Maybe at some point you will feel comfortable enough to speak to someone on the phone.  One step at a time.  And yes, I'm sorry to say they will be uncomfortable steps, but they will be worth it.  Just ask anyone who has taken those steps.  I never wanted my wife to catch me, but my life has dramatically improved since she did (after I went through a small period of hell on earth - but I digress )

Anyway, you have taken a small step which is really a BIG step.  It is the beginning of your journey.  Don't look back, and NEVER EVER GIVE UP!

congrats on opening up
the fact that you,'re feeling empty about feeling empty is a good thing.
and going otd will only make things worse.in the secular world you will get alot of thoughts and prayers and thats about it.out there nobody gives a damn.
i think a good first step would be to set aside 5-10 minutes every day to talk to g-d,tell him your struggles.ask him for help.tell him you want a relationship.
i'm not talking about during davening,but at a quiet time and place.and no i'm not a breslover

Yes, I agree: from what I can see it's not abnormal to be worried about an all-consuming spiritual crisis and addiction, if it's addiction. Listen to the Dov calls and read the book. If it's addiction, you have a lot of support here to face it. Your relationship to Gd will inevitably change in ways you can't imagine if you commit to the recovery program. That's what I found, at least, and I thought I understood where I stood in my spiritual life. I didn't. Stay strong!

thank you all for the supportive words and advice.
I hope to keep checking in here...still not quite sure where to start but I guess just being involved is an improvement

Hi great letter.
i dont want to be nosy at all, but have you seen a psychiatrist before? its sounds from your letter that you might be suffering from depression. feeling empty and numb definitely can be systems of depression. 
i suffered from depression and anxiety for a decade before realizing. so if its a possibility then please help yourself and dont be stubborn like i was.