It’s been awhile since i’ve utilized the virtual world of GYE. Most of you probably don’t remember me (maybe a few? Marks? At least you?). For various reasons after posting once after a long break, I decided to move on. To be honest, I felt uncomfortable when I logged on for the first time a few days ago. I wasn’t used to GYE. I wasn’t used to the discussions, the jokes, or the bright/not-so-bright ideas. Listening to a secret group of guys talking about their petty/insane issues and discussions gave me a weird and almost squirmish feeling. The first thought that popped into my head was that I am above this. I’m in the “real world”.

But what does it really mean to live in the real world? GYE is not just a chat room (at least it shouldn’t be).The guys who are joking, discussing, and giving advice all have one common goal (at least they should), and that is to live in the real world. To live in the real world isn’t automatically accomplished by the fact that one isn’t spending time on anonymous online forums. Living in the real world means to live without hypocrisy, secrecy, or shame. In a sense, the guys on the forum can even be on a higher level than many quote-unquote “real world regular ” people because they are actively and desperately pursuing their potential, which is what the real world should be about.

Without going into all my thoughts on what GYE is about and why I left, I would like to share one aspect of those things that has been my mind.
 One of the ways GYE can help guys live in the real world (at least potentially- or at least I thought potentially) is by helping them redefine what the real world is. Talking for myself, one major component of this struggle is living in two disparate worlds: 1) The “real” world and 2) the “fake” world. The real world being the one with friends, family, learning, growing, etc. The fake world being the one with a racing and confused mind “going to the bathroom” or driving to unsavory places doing unsavory things with unsavory people.The real world is real while the fake world in a sense is not because they just can’t coexist and therefore can never “meet” each other (ayin Captain Kirk in the Dov quotes if i’m not making sense). One might suggest that GYE can bridge those two worlds and hopefully give clarity on what is in fact real.

Yes, many caution that the GYE forum can be insufficient (i.e. I got kicked off by Cordnoy) or even unhealthy. Unfortunately, (again talking for myself) it didn’t seem sufficient for me and that was partially because it did not bridge the two worlds to the point that it should have. It might even have just became another part of my “fake” world in a way. I, through the urging of GYE’ers, initiated to merge the two worlds (by telling my Rebbe), and not long after the two worlds unexpectedly collided and exploded on their own..

I am kind of still protesting even as I write this. I am not coming back after a major fall (at least not right after). Or any fall for that matter. And I have been doing things for recovery. Don’t get me wrong. There was a time I felt GYE was “entertaining” in a way, often I found it to be an outlet for my emotions, and it also ended up being a place where I could connect to some really good people. But it also puts me in a world where my ego doesn’t want to be part of. However, after some time since I left and some thought about why I left, I now feel that GYE might once again be an appropriate role in my recovery (which I need) and that I can benefit from as I have in ways in the past. I think it is time to at least see if I can let it help me fulfill my potential in the “real” world; one thing is that now that the two worlds apparently decided to get to know each other this well, perhaps GYE now can be at least part of what helps keep my real world defined. I guess I’ll see how it goes.

My life has been difficult. I would like to be positive but that is the obvious and no one can deny it. I remember the first time I read a lifelines article and being proud that I wouldn’t be able to write any story for that section of Mishpacha; thinking that thank God my life was not interesting enough for anyone to get entertainment from before they take their Shabbas nap. But then the time came when unfortunately I realized that I can indeed write quite a captivating lifelines article. Funny how things change. Then there was that time that I happened upon the horror section of the GYE stories page, thinking how terrible the stories are and being comforted from the fact that I can’t write a story in that horrible section. But, once again, I found myself with the means to write an article for there as well. Funny how things change.

I always said: “God has a sense of humor; I just don’t always get it”. But life has taken a toll on me far beyond any humor. How do you smile when life is so sick? How can you laugh when everything is so gray?

But here I am. I guess I am not giving up. At least for today I am moving forward. At least for today I am putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that one day I won’t have to tell my feet what to do and that they will want to jump and skip by themselves. I often don’t see that and I often have felt guilty in even attempting to see that. But what else am I supposed to do? 

Here I am. Back on GYE and ready to joke, discuss, and take advice on all my petty (and insane) issues.
I know that this was a little bit of a meggila; for those who made it until the end should not worry; I am not planning on writing one so often. 

Hope to post more soon

Shmira