doingtshuva wrote on 10 Jul 2016 06:37:

For what type of person will this help?

cordnoy wrote on 10 Jul 2016 21:58:

I dont really know.

Inastruggle wrote:
The second one is what really causes us to fall. A lot of us use lust, porn and masturbation to self soothe. Very much the same way some people use food, movies, drugs, books, sleep, etc. to relieve the negative feelings they have. 

That's why I wrote if it makes feel good ..........

Hey everyone. On friday i had a fall. I was very upset afterwards. But i did something i have never done yet after maariv i approached the rav and told him my struggle. And developed a taphsic plan with him. Yesterday i wentto his house and gave him $1000 ill be checking in with him once a week. If i slip he donates $100 to tzedaka. Beezras hashem this is big i never opened up to anyone about.this 

Wow that IS big!!

KUTGW & KOMT!!

Gevura Shebyesod wrote:

גם אני מסכים להנ״ל, אע״פ שחלקתי בכל תוקף עם גבורה על החוט שלי בשבוע שעבר, במחילת כבוד המונסטער שלו

In other words Keep on Trucking and I love Gevura

כל הכבוד!

מחיל אל חיל!

Just out of curiosity. For the married men out there. Ive been married for three years and intimacy has never been great. A big part has been that i havent treated my wife with enough respect and love because of our many differences.(my fault) at any rate we are only together maybe once a week if not less and i find that afterward i can go a few days without lust and then it starts up and i have in my head that there is no way that i can approach my wife yet its too early we still have 4 or 5 days to go and i atruggle for those days like crazy. .. Im assuming that fixing our intimacy wont solve my problems but does anyone know if this should be a major area of my battle or is this just another symptom andthe fight is somewhere esle? Part of me is thinking that i should restore my pas besalo 

Hi,

I just read this entire post from the beginning...
Quick two points about your original question before I get to this one:

1. I have a filter on all my devices/computers and somehow always manage to find a loophole somewhere... you are not alone! It's insane how crazy addicted (although I don't like that word) we are, and how smart the y"h is when it comes to porn! Iv'e found loophoes that no one would ever dream it's possible to watch something throuhg there etc. - We just have to get up , and keep on fighting!!
2. The problem is not the filter the problem is us - me and you. Rabbi Shias Taub once mentioned something to this affect in his article in the Ami magazine a while back. Of course we must have filters. of course we must set guildlines to ourselves. But we have to fix ourselves and be able to control ourselves so that if chv"s we come across an unfiltered phone at one point - we wont immediately search and watch porn. Trust me, I'm far from that level, but that's what our goal needs to be.

Regarding your latest question:

1. I'm b"h married for more then three years (a few years longer). For women it's different then a man. As much as you want to be together, your wife also wants to, but... as a man, we can do it anytime - we're always avail for this! For a women, it's more about love etc. as opposed to "just doing it" - so being that you said that you haven't been treating her with love and respect, is a major factor. 
2. Of course after being together, you feel so good and you cant understand why you'll ever watch porn again. And yes, its normal that this feeling only lasts for a few days. but, if you treat your wife with love and respect, you'll see that when you are together it will be MUCH better for you and for her!
3. Regarding being together more than once a week: most people (I think) are not together more than that on a typical week (of course there are times when you'll be together more than once a week, but I'm talking about in general). You both have busy days, and like I mentioned earlier, for us we're always ready, for a women it's a whole different ball game. 
4. Fixing your intimacy will help a little, but will not help you totally. What I would suggest: Start showing your wife more love and respect. Buy her small gifts from time to time, take her out to eat, go to a hotel for night etc. Work on building a stronger and better relationship between the two of you (in general, not having sex in mind). You'll see that you will feel better about yourself, you'll feel better about your marriage. You'll feel better when your together. You'll feel happier and more content. In ADDITION, you should work on fixing the urge to watch and act out! [BTW did you ever think, that maybe BECAUSE your watching porn, maybe thats the reason why your intimacy is not great - think about it...]

Just btw, reading your first and last question, I feel like I wrote it - I know EXACTLY how you feel!!!

truevision wrote on 11 Jul 2016 13:18:

I don't want to interrupt the conversation but I want to tell you how impressed I am by this. It's a truly amazing step. KUTGW!

Markz wrote on 01 Jul 2016 21:59:


Markz,
My problem is that when life gets too difficult I slowly start to slide and eventually will take some advantage of them. You Tube and some images, not going to be specific in why it doesn't trigger Webchaver bc sometimes it does.

Why doesn't that happen to you? Is it that this was never a coping tool but just a struggle because of the bad opportunity of open internet?

The best advice I can give you on filters is not to test them out!
for me google images isn't a struggle but YouTube is like quick sand.
at work were youtube is open I just avoid it.

doingtshuva wrote on 22 Jul 2016 08:53:


I know, but I think my problem as much of the sexual one is in excess of one and so anytime I get any sort of a new filter of course I test it out. Now, the chiddush of my streak on July he was that even though I was well aware of many loopholes, I didn't take advantage. The problem is that my struggles really do relates to the unmanageability of my life, and so when things are tough being aware of those loopholes is really bad.

My wife's therapist, who's actually a sex therapist as well but that's not what my wife sees her for, is absolutely convinced that I need a new therapist to work on my underlying issues so that when life becomes unmanageable I don't end up looking for loopholes.

But yes, not looking for a holes and it makes a lot of sense

But how exactly is one sippossed to work on the underlying issue at hand. I get that everyone is saying that filters are baindaids and are only temporary until "it falls off" and yu figure a way to get around them. But is it reading people's horrifying stories sippossed to scare me from acting out, or is it understanding the gravity of the aveirah that should stop me?
everyone says different things help each person but I still personally haven't found anything specific that I can say definitively helped me?

Fb2016


I didn't notice much scary stories here recently, nor about the gravity of sin. These are ways of overcoming addiction with willpower and I don't think they work to well for for an addict (and p'haps many non addicts too)

You want a nice story? Check the TTT link in my signature from which you may glean some precious pointers to the right direction too

 

Those are great questions.

I think everyone has their own reasons for stopping and it's important to know why you want to stop. I wrote out the pros and cons of stopping so that I had a motivation in mind. You have to be the one who wants to stop.

As for finding the right tools for you, what have you tried so far? There are many tools out there, read up about them and decide which to try. 

Just as important as the tools are the healthy attitudes that we have to work on.

It's probably going to be very worthwhile for you to read this thread.