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TOPIC: Post / Thread Of The Year - 5776 award 12744 Views

Re: Post / Thread Of The Year - 2016 award 18 Apr 2016 22:16 #285075

shmulyz19 OFFLINE Banned I am lucky to be alive each day. Thank you HaShem Posts: 160 Karma: -1	Yes PA, I have considered this. I did start a journal. I need to update it. thx for the reminder. I have a sinus infection, so my mind has gone haywire.
	I am not a therapist offering advice. I am merely a concerned poster and Friend.. You can do it. KOT. Please chat me anytime. I'm all ears. Thank You Thank you... Shmuly

Re: Post / Thread Of the Year - 5776 award 03 May 2016 18:24 #286501

Markz
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בישיבה של מעלה ובישיבה של מטה על דעת הקהל

Id like to schedule the "Award" date to end with the Jewish Calendar

Reason being that as last year ended (close to when I joined), if my memory is correct, there were new members getting side tracked seeking Teshuva etc, when long term recovery (true ODAAT) was what they should be served

For this reason, I feel that if we schedule this thread to bounce at that auspicious time, it will be more advantageous

So.....

Keep posting great posts!!!!!!!

Any dissenting opinions?
Please speak up now
Hey you may win post of the year :-)

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Re: Post / Thread Of the Year - 5776 award 03 May 2016 18:33 #286503

gevura shebyesod
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Honestly, I could read this over and over again. (I'm entering it in post of the year...)

Shlomo24 wrote on 03 May 2016 17:02:

stillgoing wrote on 03 May 2016 16:15:

Workingguy wrote on 03 May 2016 13:40:

Shlomo24 wrote on 03 May 2016 04:12:

Yeah, bh, for a variety of reasons SSA is not my problem.

It's not? Now I'm confused. I thought it was. I'm not prying, but did I miss something?

I'm not answering for King Shlomo (i like yesods name for you. can i use it?) because i'm not him, but in a general way ssa can cause challenges in life, but if one is also attracted (a least somewhat) to girls, he can marry and lead a farly typical life. Addiction on the other hand, can totally take over our entire lives.

I don't remember that nickname actually. But I must say, it's quite fitting.

.

As sg isn't answering for me, I am not answering for him, but I have an opinion on what was said: Even if I had zero sexual attraction for women, I could live a productive and happy life and be married. I know people who think that they aren't attracted to women, (hint: they are), but they have happy marriages. In terms of attraction, if a guy can tell the fundamental difference between a cute dog and a cute girl, then he is sufficiently attracted to women. This is what my therapists told me and it was one of the most vital things anyone has ever told me. But even so, let's say that I had zero attraction to women, I could still live productively.

Here are the "variety" of reasons why SSA isn't my problem:

1) SSA isn't my problem because I'm an addict. I have a disease that includes lust for men. God gave me it. Do pancreatic cancer patients and lung cancer patients have the same disease? Yes. So too do me and every other sex addict have the same disease. It's just expressed in different areas. There may be psychological reasons why I am sexually attracted to men, but there are reasons for everything. So addiction is the source, not SSA. (I am refraining from calling my addiction a problem, it is not a problem, rather the way I deal with it can be problematic). Some people have SSA as their source, but not me. As I'm in middle of writing a history paper, here is a quote from another member who shared this sentiment:

"cordnoy" post=240681 date=1412218115
Ultimately, the way I see it as a general rule (and I'm no expert) is that this type of addiction or lust desire is the same as others. There was somethin' that triggered our brains and rest of our body at some point in time, and many of us get stuch with that for the duration of our life. It is not the object or person of our desire that makes the difference; it is not the particular fetish that we may have. The common denominator is that it is defined as lust, and we need to learn how to live with it in a healthy fashion.
Honestly, I could read that over and over again. (I'm entering it in post of the year after this, even though it wasn't this year).

2) SSA isn't my problem because it doesn't run my life. I don't have to deal with it. I don't identify myself as SSA, I am Shlomo. I am not a living, breathing, SSA. I know people like this and I don't find that they have serene lives. The best thing for my SSA was to disregard it as an identity. I am not different than you, we both belong together as humans. While some may find comfort and love in the SSA community, my personal experience was that the more I made SSA my life, the less of a life I had. I was constantly thinking about guys when I was in the community, that was the majority of conversations. And it wasn't healthy for me.

3) SSA isn't my problem because God has decided that I should gain attraction for women. My attraction is steadily growing and believe me I am not trying to facilitate that. I may even be actively NOT letting it facilitate. I'm quite comfortable with my attractions, we are old buddies. I am used to this and I like it, it's a homey place for me. I do find that the more I distance from SSA the stronger my sexual attractions to women are. I was in a point where I didn't lust after women at all, I just had the attraction, but now I need to be a little bit more careful. I am still grossed out by the prospect of watching heterosexual porn, I don't think women should be portrayed that way and I don't believe that any woman REALLY want to be a pornstar, as much as the liberal media will say otherwise. I am not, however, grossed out about sex with a woman, which I used to be. (And that is also for a slew of reasons). A woman in a gorgeous dress may be triggering, although for the most part they are not. I do objectify woman a lot though, probably the same I do with everybody. I don't think that someone even needs to be attracted at all sexually to be able to "perform."

!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."
"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."
- General Grant

My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: Post / Thread Of the Year - 5776 award 03 May 2016 21:10 #286525

stillgoing
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I absoutly love his post! It's the ultimate response to those who say "i don't need a filter. I can get around it anyway"

"inastruggle" post=219156 date=1379068923

#15
What do we need filters for anyway? While a filter is obviously not foolproof, it is a wise idea even for techies who can get around it. It still makes it more difficult and puts at least a "heker" between us and porn.

I am considering removing the railing by my staircase. It should be my responsibility not to walk too close to the edge of the stairs, and I can always jump over the railing anyways if I really want to.
Just sayin

.
my $.02.

BIG SHOT!
Free Choice?!
Yirai's Memories
STORY TIME :)

Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)

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Last Edit: 03 May 2016 21:13 by stillgoing.

Re: Post / Thread Of The Year - 5776 award 04 May 2016 05:13 #286598

shlomo24
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Same, but different:
cordnoy wrote on 02 Oct 2014 02:48:

While it's true that there is more feedback there, not everyone understands this type of addiction, so there might be certain things you should save for here.

Ultimately, the way I see it as a general rule (and I'm no expert) is that this type of addiction or lust desire is the same as others. There was somethin' that triggered our brains and rest of our body at some point in time, and many of us get stuch with that for the duration of our life. It is not the object or person of our desire that makes the difference; it is not the particular fetish that we may have. The common denominator is that it is defined as lust, and we need to learn how to live with it in a healthy fashion.

your road to recovery should be blessed with hatzlachah

If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can.

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: Post / Thread Of the Year - 5776 award 04 May 2016 05:20 #286601

shlomo24
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markz wrote on 03 May 2016 18:24:

I agree. We will have to work out nominations and voting and whatnot.

Re: Post / Thread Of the Year - 5776 award 06 May 2016 00:08 #286854

birshusi
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inastruggle wrote on 05 May 2016 23:56:

I completely agree with what you wrote. There are a great many things that should be credited to the fact that you're a 21 year old man. It's the strongest tayvah we have. Just because I have a tayvah to speak lashon hara and sleep late doesn't make me an addict even if I have a lot of trouble with it.

It's really important to realize how not sick it is to fantasize and lust after women. It's natural and it means that we're healthy men. We also have to control it because the torah says so.

It's very important not to label yourself an addict. You need a mental health professional to do that not 20 questions that some guy wrote. You wouldn't diagnose a physical disease with a questionare you saw online (I hope) and you shouldn't diagnose a mental disease with one either.

Just because someone isn't an addict doesn't mean he's not using porn and masturbation to soothe himself. It's a lot harder to control ourselves when we're tired, hungry, stressed, and feeling bad about ourselves.

You're here to get back in control of yourself. Picking up good attitudes and getting support from the oilam here is a great way to do that. Use the great resources that are here.

Someone who isn't professional who tells others that they're addicts is a shoteh rasha v'gas ruach.

Re: Post / Thread Of the Year - 5776 award 20 Sep 2016 03:33 #295341

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abd297 wrote on 25 May 2016 03:40:

I don't have time to elaborate now, but I wanted to tell everyone that I spoke to my rebbi today. We went out for coffee and spoke for for an hour and a half about my struggles with masturbation and innappropriate materials. He was so understanding and knowledgable. I truly enjoyed speaking with him and look forward to follow up hopefully next week. So much to talk about.

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Re: Post / Thread Of the Year - 5776 award 27 Sep 2016 00:08 #295621

Markz
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It's around the corner...

Nachshon wrote on 11 Sep 2016 17:01:

Its been a while.....allow me to share with you the last 2 weeks. The realization hit me I needed to take real action...come out of the shadows...If not now when????

Here is my story!

24 hours prior to my first meeting:

Like an alcoholic knowing he is heading into rehab....grabbing hold of my "last" lust fix. Typing frantically on my Kik and WhatsApp accounts sexting with 2 and at times 3 different woman. Sending pics woman 1 sent to me to woman 2 as if they came from me....brain has completely shut off...it is all about the lust...feed me more...my appetite knows no limits.

8 hours prior

After some careful planning and manipulating/arranging all family members out of the house (a lot tougher to do in the summer)....called my go to FWB....make sure to bring the boots I like....and the new outfit we picked out together online....

Editors note....I have done some "bad" things...but never had Intercourse with a woman that was not my wife. Perhaps this last of the red lines allowed me to look at myself in the mirror....without complete revulsion....today I am ready to cross that line....

Dutifully she appears just on time...like a thief in the night slips in a side door....she can sense the hunger in my eyes....will spare the details....but by a miracle...my last remaining red line survives the morning....it was also the closest I had ever come to getting caught.

5 hours before

Inform my loving wife....who is the most kind giving person I know...that I have decided to go to an SA meeting....she can sense the shame/discomfort I feel....begs me not to go...says you don't need it...Oh if she only knew.....

2 hours before...

Watching the clock digitally inch closer and closer to 8 PM....feels like the noose is tightening around me..

I can just bag out of this...who will know? I promise my self for the 1000th time I will stop.....the lust/ intensity of the past 24 hours even scared me....

45 min before.....

The final hour....know I have to leave by 730 to get there on time...plus I want to scope it out....feel like crying...I am not a crier....a tear wells up in the corner of my eye as my wife feels pity on me...one last time telling me don't go. Oh I need to....I am in the middle of an ocean flailing my arms....there is no saving me with a life-boat others (Dov) have talked about.

Is this life-boat just a mirage....could these people Dov discusses be a figment of his imagination????

7:50....Waze dutifully put me 10 minutes early....WAIT it's in a church....I am way too Jewish to step foot in a Church...they lead then inquisitions..I realize just another feeble attempt to flee....as every cell in my body is screaming run.....

7:52...more cars pull up....look like normal people....no signs of rapist, monsters, or child molesters I am sure to meet....

7:55....it's go or not go time....I came this far...and if I leave where do I go to?

7:57....2 more minutes of stalling have gotten me nowhere....brain....just pull the handle and walk the 40 steps....just do it...think of all the dark places we've walked together....this should be like a walk in the park.

8:00....Follow a woman into building....wow churches are not like shuls....at least not this one....where to go....downstairs? A large room with chairs placed in a circle....a man comes over to me and asks....is this your first meeting with I reply yes. Sit next to me...

8:04....meeting comes to order...We have a first timer with us and I am going to ask him to read the opening prayer....There was a small smattering of welcomes and saw the same excitement lubavitchers get when they put Tifflin on someone for the first time..I am in this strange alternative universe

8:05 The meeting begins with the moderator discussing everything that is said in this AA meeting must not be shared with others...wait did I hear that right....I am in an AA meeting...not an SA meeting....I wait for the man to finish and whisper into his ear....I am afraid I am in the wrong meeting....I awkwardly apologized to the group and wish them a successful meeting.

8:07.....back upstairs to the first floor....my car is so close...perhaps my wife was right...and now God showing me the way out...I tried to get help....didnt I learn somewhere you get some credit for that?

8:08. Paralyzed by indecision...I decide I will ask the next person if they know where the SA meeting is...if he/she says yes I go...if not sign I shouldn't be there.

8:09: Middle aged man...looks like a plumber or a barber...friendly face....I meekly ask do you know where the SA meeting is? Sure follow me.......

8:10 Sitting around a table are a group of very normal looking people. Two Kippahs, a Asian man, 2 men older than me. 2 younger, a woman in a wheelchair...and my barber friend.

What happens stays within the walls of SA meeting.

Let me just share with you this was the greatest step forward taken in my 20+ years of my battle with lust. I was in a warm welcoming environment, sharing my deepest flaws to a group of people that truly understood my struggle. My heart broke for some sitting around the table...one man was caught by his wife and was in essence homeless, another fired from his job, another was arrested for his activities, another with a sadness that can only be witnessed for all the harm he brought to his family.....But there was also a sense of hope and brotherhood as strangers and friends shared their darkest troubles and were lifted by the man to their right and left. This group welcomed me with open arms...encouraged me to return, gave me their cell numbers if I needed someone to talk to.

My only regret of the evening was I didnt take this step 20 years ago...was it my ego, pride, fear of being recognized...probably a combination of the three.

When I left my first meeting I saw one of the participants of the meeting (a woman in a wheelchair) being picked up by an access a ride. I thought to myself this woman is a para-palegic and I can only imagine the struggles it took her to get to the meeting. Right there all my excuses of being too busy with patients, family, community flew out the window. I need to get on this lifeboat. NOW!

One week after first meeting:

Watching the clock in my office...trying to finish my clinical notes. Tell my assistant we need to hurry I have an important meeting i have to get to.

8:05....welcoming the new new guy and sharing with the group my best week I can remember.

If you have struggled with lust and feel helpless in an endless cycle of starting and stopping...whatever manifestation the lust presents itself....you can not win this battle alone...join me on this Life Boat...it is no mirage....I am happy to walk in with you to your first meeting. Feel a sense of comfort this Elul....standing there I can tell God...I took a huge step forward....heal me and help me overcome this sickness!

Thank you Dov for all of the encouragement...I would not have made this step without you! I have taken the first few steps of what will be a long journey. There is a fulfillment knowing I am heading in the right direction with a brotherhood of people traveling together to overcome/battle this flaw/sickness.

Gmar Tov To All

Nachshon (Aaron)

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Re: Post / Thread Of the Year - 5776 award 27 Sep 2016 03:40 #295630

shlomo24
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Markz wrote on 27 Sep 2016 00:08:

It's around the corner...

Nachshon wrote on 11 Sep 2016 17:01:

8 hours prior

5 hours before

2 hours before...

Watching the clock digitally inch closer and closer to 8 PM....feels like the noose is tightening around me..

I can just bag out of this...who will know? I promise my self for the 1000th time I will stop.....the lust/ intensity of the past 24 hours even scared me....

45 min before.....

Is this life-boat just a mirage....could these people Dov discusses be a figment of his imagination????

7:52...more cars pull up....look like normal people....no signs of rapist, monsters, or child molesters I am sure to meet....

7:55....it's go or not go time....I came this far...and if I leave where do I go to?

8:08. Paralyzed by indecision...I decide I will ask the next person if they know where the SA meeting is...if he/she says yes I go...if not sign I shouldn't be there.

8:09: Middle aged man...looks like a plumber or a barber...friendly face....I meekly ask do you know where the SA meeting is? Sure follow me.......

8:10 Sitting around a table are a group of very normal looking people. Two Kippahs, a Asian man, 2 men older than me. 2 younger, a woman in a wheelchair...and my barber friend.

What happens stays within the walls of SA meeting.

My only regret of the evening was I didnt take this step 20 years ago...was it my ego, pride, fear of being recognized...probably a combination of the three.

One week after first meeting:

Watching the clock in my office...trying to finish my clinical notes. Tell my assistant we need to hurry I have an important meeting i have to get to.

8:05....welcoming the new new guy and sharing with the group my best week I can remember.

Gmar Tov To All

Nachshon (Aaron)

I love this post.

Re: Post / Thread Of the Year - 5776 award 28 Sep 2016 00:18 #295660

Markz
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TehillimZugger wrote on 13 May 2016 21:50:

thank You Hashem for giving me a truly Beautiful life. For giving me the bracha of seeing positive, for giving me the opportunity to thank you and feel your closeness, thank you hashem for a wonderful relationship with my wife, with my family, for the ability to be honest, for my car, for my parking spot, for reality, for life one day at a time, for recovery, for GYE. GYE saved my life I would be dead suicided somewhere if not for GYE. i don't want to end this post
thank you Hashem for humility, for feelings, for love, for empathy, for pain, for giving for guidance.
I love you Hashem

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Re: Post / Thread Of the Year - 5776 award 29 Sep 2016 01:49 #295735

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ben durdayah wrote on 07 Jul 2016 19:47:

So, after a long hiatus, some nice sober time, and a downward spiral...

I am back again.

Somewhere over the past year and a half or even two years, after several long streches of sobriety, I managed to convince myself that I could manage my lust addiction without fellowship and without a focus on recovery. Gradually, without me noticing, or more accurately, by closing my eyes to the truth, I drifted away from sobriety and turned into a dry drunk. I don't know where the turning point was, but as far back as several months ago, I was forced to admit to myself that I had totally left G-d out of my equation, serving myself instead.

It started insidiously, not as an outright manifestation of lust, but losing the "surrender" in my life, shirking responsibilities and trying to take things as easily as possible. I would find myself mindlessly wasting time on the computer when I ought to have been working. Reading recreational material, the latest news, or playing endless games of solitaire --- it did not matter. Looking back I realize that this was background noise --- a defense mechanism trying to mask the lust simmering on the back burner. The bottom line is that the putting the needs of others and my duties to G-d and my fellowman before my self had somehow taken a backseat, and then left the car entirely... I was withdrawing into isolation and headed for no good...

In the "shprach" of Yiddishkeit, I had not neglected my davening or Shemiras Hamitzvos, but was letting my real connection with the Ribbono shel Olam erode. Shemiras Ha'eyneyim went out the window...

It did not take long before I found myself slipping into insanity ("Just a little peek... You won't wind up seven hours later with a real mess on your hands and full of regrets...). Where had my grip on reality gone? Have I learnt nothing from my own experience and that of others? What happened to, "There is no situation so bad that a little porn can't make it worse..." and all the other neat truths that I had drummed into myself?

Nevertheless, I closed my eyes (or rather opened them), gritted my teeth, and jumped right back on the roller coaster --- a few clean months, a few hours binge, another stretch of clean time, another several hours of binging, another... Nuclear reset button, guilt, remorse, fear, teshuvah, nefillah, ad infinitum... You know the feeling... Walk into the Beis Medrash in your shmoineh begadim with the words "If they would only know..." incessantly running through your head... The hypocrisy of it all... and the kinderlach! Oy, the kinderlach! This leads to more and more self-isolation and that in turn... to self-medication...

The past few segments of the spin cycle left me with the thought, "Nu, I am sick, not evil." But a small voice answered back, "If that is the case, then you know what you have to do..." To which the other small voice responded with 1,000,001 excuses. But the bottom line had me admitting that what I was missing was "surrender." I have known for several months now that I have to get with the program. I don't want to wait for the "kichsaa" to hit the fan in any more major way. I'm simply sick of being sick.

And then there were excuses number 1,000,002, 1,000,003, 1,000,004, 1,000,005, and 1,000,006...: "The local SA organization is not the same PP B2B approach, the meetings are far away, the meeting times are highly inconvenient, you did not feel a to'eles from the groups but from the program, you couldn't get a decent sponsor..."

All of these excuses are fine and good, but none of them apply to the minimum hishtadlus of getting back on the site that had helped me discover recovery in the first place.

So here I am, powerless as the day you first met me, and wanting a fresh start. As a first step towards surrender, I swallow my pride and remind myself. I am still a raging lustaholic, who wants his little sordid pleasures more than anything else in the world. However, if I want to live rather than subsist, if I am really sick and tired of being sick and tired, I will have to do something about it and not wait for next time. So...

I'm baaaaaaack...!

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Re: Post / Thread Of the Year - 5776 award 29 Sep 2016 22:12 #295771

Markz
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inastruggle wrote on 05 May 2016 06:16:

So it took over 3 years on gye and close to 1,000 posts but I finally told my rebbi about my struggles.

I need to thank shlomo24 for giving me the final push I needed.

So I called him up and gave him a brief history of my acting out and told him about gye. He didn't make a big deal about it. He did say that I should go into shidduchim anyway but it needs to be taken care of. He's familiar with gye but he said I'll have to do something more.

It was kind of a short conversation and we're dealing with something else now so I'm not sure what he has in mind yet.

It's a bit anticlimactic for something that took this long to do and that's probably the best way for it to be.

Thanks to everyone for helping me get to this milestone.

Shlomo, 3 guesses why I like this one!
Oh there's other reasons too ;-)

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Re: Post / Thread Of the Year - 5776 award 30 Sep 2016 15:18 #295788

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Yesod wrote on 07 Jun 2016 20:58:

Whoa, im still tripping.

That live meeting was weeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrdd

I felt like i just joined a cult, there was all this ritual going on.
(Though everyone was extremely welcoming, i got several hugs and many a warm handshake)

I was the newcomer, so apparently that merits a newcomer meeting, which means i was the center of attention, although i hardly spoke.

I realized quickly that my history pales in comparison, it was heavy stuff in there.

To make things more interesting, a good friend of mine who is the last person id imagine in there rolls in.

I was feeling more awkward than an octopus tap-dancing.

Well, i said a few words at the end, after the coin i was given was blessed by everyone!
All i said was , i recently lost a steak of sobriety, and I'm doing the next thing in my efforts to be free.

After the meeting, i went outside still in a very thick fog, and i met my friend outside and basically said, "dude, i know i got problems, but i don't know if i belong here", well, we got talking and it turns out, he is a high bottom addict, didn't do too much himself, and he said that i should give it some time.
The main thing to consider, is do i have an unmanageable situation or not and do i risk mine or others wellbeing.
Well i couldn't argue with that.

At any rate, ill go some more, i don't have any other ideas.

Let the hugs continue.

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Re: Post / Thread Of The Year - 5776 award 30 Sep 2016 20:41 #295800

trysohard Current streak: 2809 days OFFLINE Expert Boarder clever avatar goes here Posts: 97 Karma: 7	There are lots of great posts, but I'd like to nominate poster of the year Warning: Spoiler! MARK!
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