So, after a long hiatus, some nice sober time, and a downward spiral...

I am back again.

Somewhere over the past year and a half or even two years, after several long streches of sobriety, I managed to convince myself that I could manage my lust addiction without fellowship and without a focus on recovery. Gradually, without me noticing, or more accurately, by closing my eyes to the truth, I drifted away from sobriety and turned into a dry drunk. I don't know where the turning point was, but as far back as several months ago, I was forced to admit to myself that I had totally left G-d out of my equation, serving myself instead.

It started insidiously, not as an outright manifestation of lust, but losing the "surrender" in my life, shirking responsibilities and trying to take things as easily as possible. I would find myself mindlessly wasting time on the computer when I ought to have been working. Reading recreational material, the latest news, or playing endless games of solitaire --- it did not matter. Looking back I realize that this was background noise --- a defense mechanism trying to mask the lust simmering on the back burner. The bottom line is that the putting the needs of others and my duties to G-d and my fellowman before my self had somehow taken a backseat, and then left the car entirely... I was withdrawing into isolation and headed for no good...

In the "shprach" of Yiddishkeit, I had not neglected my davening or Shemiras Hamitzvos, but was letting my real connection with the Ribbono shel Olam erode. Shemiras Ha'eyneyim went out the window... 

It did not take long before I found myself slipping into insanity ("Just a little peek... You won't wind up seven hours later with a real mess on your hands and full of regrets...). Where had my grip on reality gone? Have I learnt nothing from my own experience and that of others? What happened to, "There is no situation so bad that a little porn can't make it worse..." and all the other neat truths that I had drummed into myself?

Nevertheless, I closed my eyes (or rather opened them), gritted my teeth, and jumped right back on the roller coaster --- a few clean months, a few hours binge, another stretch of clean time, another several hours of binging, another... Nuclear reset button, guilt, remorse, fear, teshuvah, nefillah, ad infinitum... You know the feeling... Walk into the Beis Medrash in your shmoineh begadim with the words "If they would only know..." incessantly running through your head... The hypocrisy of it all... and the kinderlach! Oy, the kinderlach! This leads to more and more self-isolation and that in turn... to self-medication...

The past few segments of the spin cycle left me with the thought, "Nu, I am sick, not evil." But a small voice answered back, "If that is the case, then you know what you have to do..." To which the other small voice responded with 1,000,001 excuses. But the bottom line had me admitting that what I was missing was "surrender." I have known for several months now that I have to get with the program. I don't want to wait for the "kichsaa" to hit the fan in any more major way. I'm simply sick of being sick.

And then there were excuses number 1,000,002, 1,000,003, 1,000,004, 1,000,005, and 1,000,006...: "The local SA organization is not the same PP B2B approach, the meetings are far away, the meeting times are highly inconvenient, you did not feel a to'eles from the groups but from the program, you couldn't get a decent sponsor..."

All of these excuses are fine and good, but none of them apply to the minimum hishtadlus of getting back on the site that had helped me discover recovery in the first place.

So here I am, powerless as the day you first met me, and wanting a fresh start. As a first step towards surrender, I swallow my pride and remind myself. I am still a raging lustaholic, who wants his little sordid pleasures more than anything else in the world. However, if I want to live rather than subsist, if I am really sick and tired of being sick and tired, I will have to do something about it and not wait for next time. So...

I'm baaaaaaack...!

Welcome back!!!!

Here's to Olde Tyme Monstuh Truckin!!!

Hi!!

Welcome back.
Nice post.

ben durdayah wrote on 07 Jul 2016 19:47:

This is very true. I think many only distract himself from yetzer horo only that it will return later because the cause of it is not fixed. Only distracted. Great post. It is very good that you are back on GYE and working hard again. It is not important that you fall only that you get back up.
Remember כי שבע יפול צדיק וקם ורשעים יכשלו ברעה
bhatzlocho

I am new to GYE. I have no idea where to go here. But you just gave a reality check-this is forever. It's not a one day fix/90 day fix/a year etc. This is going to be a work forever. The Baal HaTanya rights-that a בינוני(who he explains means a very high level, not as the simple understanding as a guy down the middle)-is כל ימיו במלחמה. Everyday, every minute, every hour. Thanks for bringing that to my forefront. 

I am myself relatively new to GYE but I'll welcome you back anyways.
Welcome and hatzlachah on your journey. 

Wow!
Who woulda thunk it?

Recovery for today should be B'hatzlachah.

Hi bendy,

I joined gye after you left but not that long after and I still saw some echos of you.

It's great that the forum will get to have an awesome guy like you back but it sucks that it had to happen.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

KOT!!!!

Yeah. very articulate post. So sorry for your fall. We all know the story well.

In short lust kept creeping in and you didn't intervene. till the yetzer harah finally laughed and said" Book 'em Danno"( that's for you cords)



It happened to me and I took the fall hard.

You will surely rise again( one day at a time) but now all the wiser and stronger



KOT



 

yiraishamaim wrote on 08 Jul 2016 04:35:

Oish.....I'm tryin' to live like a pineapple under the sea.

cordnoy wrote on 08 Jul 2016 04:17:

Who wouldn'ta thunk it?

I got news for you --- Many of my contemporaries from the old days are still on the roller coaster... I don't want to name usernames, but I am sure you know who they are. Our minds play tricks with us and we become complacent. The addiction/Yetzer Hara/lust (choose your poison) is bafflingly cunning and has no problem lying in wait... The spiritual vacuum calls out to be fed... Those who are successful in the long term (Hi Dov!) are those who are actively engaged in recovery. And that means surrender. And surrender doesn't just mean "surrender my write to ogle, gawk, lust (and everything more messy that might follow). It means everything. Which is a bitter pill to swallow when you are feeling basically fine, because you forget one little fact --- that the reason you are feeling so good is because you've been living sober for a while...

No time to elaborate on this point today, it's Erev Shabbos... Since it's a key issue for me, I am sure that I will be elaborating on it at length in the near future...

It will take me a yuhr mit a mitvach to figure out how to post on the new forum... I guess that is another thing I have to take one day at a time... I am definitely powerless over the use of all the fancy schmancy buttons, and I am hoping that a power greater than me might restore me to sanity...

Gut Shabbos to all.

I must have joined after you left, but welcome back - thanks for reminding me how important it is to maintain constant vigilance (hat tip to JKR).


I'm learning that real sobriety requires a cataclysmic change in a person's attitude, and as you said -- total surrender, not just of lust, but of a person's entire ego. To me it seems like it's extremely painful, and it's the opposite of most people's natural "default" setting - certainly for an addict. IMHO The only way a person can maintain that state of surrender is by keeping the pain of addiction and it's after-effects in sharp focus.

This leads to a question I've been grappling with:

How does a person who - Thank G-d - has not (yet?) suffered terribly as a result of his lust, keep that awareness clear enough to maintain sobriety?
 

Excellent question one that I've been grappling with.

I made myself a list of reasons why I want to work on sobriety. A written list which I turn to regularly. It has helped me some.

Welcome back.  Thanks for that very insightful post.