"cordnoy" wrote

Update on myself and whats been on my mind:

I get another mazal tov! I am considered an Ahavas Hashem on GYE standards. I reached 70 days on my journey. Ahava has been on my mind lately. Not only because of all those sheva bracha speeches I just went through just a couple of weeks ago, but also because of what it has to do with pornography and the whole adult industry in general. I have been thinking about the term love ever since I had a conversation about it with someone in this industry (who still sickens me today and I won’t get into details about). The term “love” has been warped in these circles to the point that it basically replaced what in the past has been considered vulgar and empty. True relationships has been replaced with the desire to fulfill our lusts and fantasies, with sex being so amplified that its connotation of genuine love has been taken over with merely lustful pleasure.  

But I feel it goes deeper than that. Love- Ahavah, is the essence of giving. Real love represents the sacrifice and attention one gives to another that brings them closer together. However, the progressive “love” that replaced that love is not only a fraud but it is the complete opposite of what that real love is about. Instead of caring for another, this “love” focuses on oneself and one’s selfish desires, and how much one can take advantage of another to fulfill those desires. While real love makes a lasting unity that creates a new entity, attachment, and companionship, this “love” is superficial and if anything breaks relationships apart and brings detachment and loneliness.

I have seen this play out in my personal struggle with pornography. However, that instant sense of companionship I craved didn’t only come from a lack of existing romance, but also from a lack of attachment with anyone in general. I felt detached from the world, and I used the ironic route of pornography to attain that so needed attachment.  I used the accessible, unlimited and unconditional intimacy of pornography, where I was able to be in an enclosed world- where it was only me and my companions of complicity, to feel attachment, only to be more lonely and detached afterwards. I have been for a while attempting to focus on making real connections and strengthening the connections I already had (and also deal with why I was feeling disconnected in the first place, but that’s a whole schmooze in itself). As a chasson, I am also working on internalizing what real love and real connection is all about as opposed to the fake love that I have been affected by for so long to make my marriage as beautiful as it is supposed to be.

I came to realize that this detachment wasn’t only from others around me, but it was a detachment from Hashem. I have desperately been trying to come close to Hashem for years, and it’s been so difficult. I have been so distant and these activities has obviously only have brought me only further. I think we as humans naturally yearn for an association with some bigger entity, whether it be a sports team, an organization, or a celebrity. I was thinking maybe some people have even a bigger yearning, a longing perhaps so big that it’s more ethereal or otherworldly. This aspiration can lean towards spirituality and ahavas Hashem, and they can even lead someone to Hashem faster because of that special inner drive. However, in the same token it can lead them to pornography and its unnatural fantasy land of those intangible sensual pleasures. I have been trying to internalize my need for higher attachment and utilizing my unique capacity for spirituality as opposed to wasting it away on stupidity.   

Lastly, I feel that pornography had what to do with the lack of connecting with myself. I think that pornography crept in because I lost touch with myself. I was unable to accept myself of who I was by my inability to realize some of my strengths and to appreciate what I had. I couldn’t come to terms with myself and I couldn’t love myself. I found myself day dreaming about me as someone else, some celebrity or famous person, living a care free life. Pornography even furthered this detachment by warping my mind and sechel by digging myself further into my fantasies. Also, I feel that it didn’t allow me to focus on who I was and what I had to work on in order to overcome this addiction because it inhibited my ability to think clearly about myself and my current situation, and continued to keep my focus on all the fantasy characters I made up that I can be instead. I have been attempting to appreciate what I have, and B’H my mind has been working more clearly, and not only have I been able to appreciate what I have, but I have been able to focus more on what I need to do to get better.

May Hashem help me to continue on this new road of mine that leads to genuine love and genuine connection, to my beloved wife, to others, to Hashem, and to myself.

Sorry if anything was too simple or just didn’t make sense. Thanks for reading! I am looking forward to connecting with all of you on GYE!

"Watson" post=282991 date=1459369525