Dear P&M,

Let’s get straight to the point, you guys punched me hard, I fell and I’m slowly trying to get up, I’m still dizzy and it hurts! It’s gloomy and dark as you blanked me out. I’m confused and bewildered, trying to figure myself out. I feel empty and weak since our last reunion. My emotional muscles are jelly. My spiritual immune system is out of sorts and the pain THE INCREDIBLE PAIN!! THE HELL I’m in….

SO YOU WON?

The simple answer is absolutely NOT! But no, I won’t leave you in the dark as you regularly behave with your friends, I’ll explain it to you. First of all, the fact that I called my Mentor is already a win on my side, secondly, I listened him out, although he put me through hell, he set me straight. The story is like this, I’m just [climbing out] in a ditch somewhere high on the way to the peak of Mt. Everest, I maybe broke some bones, there is shooting pain, but I’m alive and even now I’m climbing slowly. You and I know the proof of that, it’s the first time in my life, that the night after falling, I didn’t masturbate in bed! Don’t say it’s nothing, because if so, why did you keep on coming and waking me up in the middle of the night, for just that.

You also keep on sending in complaints about my wife. First of all, if it were not for you, I would be much happier with her, as we have seen. But mainly, with the help of my Mentor I realized, it’s not that I’m open-minded and she’s close-minded, it’s that we’re both un-minded, there is no way for her to understand it at all, and I was so open-minded that my brains fell out.

You killed my streak, but taught me something much more powerful, it’s not the streak, it’s the strength of the urge. Every time I walk in the street (the impossible street) and look away, I’m getting stronger. This morning I remembered my dream of reaching Rosh Hashana, 100 days clean, and now it won’t even be 90, my heart sank literally, until it occurred to me that the truth is the opposite, bezh I’ll get over bein hazmanim – clean, and then I’ll be much stronger, because I made it over bein hazmanim without a clean streak, just genuine purity – what a good way to start the new year!

Don’t get me wrong I’m still down, weak and my energy is low, I also don’t know how to count urges instead of streaks, but with the help of your sworn enemy, my dear friend -the Mentor- I will get up stronger then ever. As you see, right now I’m making sure you don’t push me off the cliff, so far you haven’t gotten me to look around in the street – and you tried hard.

Your former prisoner [who thought we were friends]

Hey chevra,

For today’s post, I just want to take a moment to respond to some of the powerful comments and insights that have resonated with me since my last post which took a lot out of me to write. The truth is, your words haven’t just encouraged me — they’ve helped me reframe things and see my journey with clearer eyes.

After that, I’ll share a little bit about how my day went.

@jwbf
Your message hit me hard — in the best way. You're 100% right. I’ve been putting a lot of emotional weight on those spiritual highs, trying to bottle them and use them as weapons. But you nailed it — the Yetzer doesn’t usually attack when I’m soaring. He waits for the moments when the inspiration has faded, when things feel bland or flat or just routine. And in those moments, emotional highs don’t always hold up.

What you said about learning urge management tools while I’m strong — that’s the piece I’ve been missing. I’m grateful you put it so clearly. It reframed a lot for me.

@Vehkam
That line you wrote — “pursue a clean life with just as much passion as you would pursue a beautiful woman” — that one stuck. That’s exactly the kind of fire I want to channel.

And I appreciate your practical advice too — locking in daily positive reminders. If you have any specific ideas or examples of what’s worked for you, I’d really love to hear them. Always open to concrete strategies.

@mggsbms
Your words were deeply moving — the part about Hashem saving me because He has great plans for me… I needed that reminder.

Sometimes it's easy to forget that all these painful reroutes aren’t just stumbles — they’re part of a very personal path that’s still unfolding. I appreciate the chizuk more than you know.

@Hashemisonmyside
The way you framed it — that maybe in Shamayim they’re making a big deal about what happened — honestly gave me chills. Because you’re right. We tend to look at these days as failures or damage control… but they might actually be massive victories in the heavens. Thank you for that boost.

@Heeling
You’ve been a rock for me, consistently. I won’t spell it all out here, but just know that your words — and your presence — carry weight.

The strength, clarity, and determination you wished for me? I felt that today. And that’s in large part thanks to you.

Now for a quick share about how today went:

Today was a quiet kind of win.

I started the day working from home — not because I wanted to, but because I had to make up for what I didn’t finish yesterday. With everything that went down, my day got completely derailed, and I knew I had to show up and take some control back.

Baruch Hashem, I was busy. I stayed focused. The distractions I was nervous about didn’t even knock. Hashem gave me what I needed — clarity, energy, and protection.

Later, I headed into the office, and on the drive, I had a really nice one-on-one call with a GYE brother I’ve spoken to before, but never like that. Turns out we have a lot in common, and I’m honestly looking forward to building more with him. Just a solid, real conversation.

Work was great — productive, fun, successful. It felt good to function like a normal person. No chaos. Just progress.

After work, I went back to that same park. Picked up some sushi, grabbed a juice I like, and just sat on the rocks — eating slowly, watching the sunset, feeling the breeze off the water, taking it all in. And when I ate, I made a conscious effort to focus on the simple gifts Hashem gives us every day — even something as basic as food. I realized how often I take these things for granted. Tonight, I didn’t.

I journaled a bit, but mostly I just let myself be. No deep emotions, no tears, no fireworks — just calm. Grounded. Grateful. It wasn’t intense like last time. And that’s what made it so special. Just quiet presence with Hashem.

Then, on my way home, I stopped in for Maariv — and sitting there in the beis medrash was none other than my Rebbe.

Let me be clear — this wasn’t someone I just know. This is my Rav. The Rav who literally changed my life in EY. The Rav I had the zchus of an hour and a half chavrusa every single day. He recently moved back from Eretz Yisrael, now lives only an hour away, but he has a new number I haven’t been able to get. I’ve been davening all week that somehow Hashem would reconnect us.

And there he was. Just there. Sitting and learning.

No texts. No coordination. Just straight-up hashgacha pratis.

We spoke for a few minutes, and it was enough to know that more conversations are coming soon.

Lastly, a big thank you to another GYE brother who checked in all day — texting, calling, just being there. The value of that kind of support can’t be overstated. Seriously. Thank you.

Ending the day with quiet gratitude. No drama. No noise. Just peace.

We’re never doing this alone. Not for a second.