Oish!! I am so sorry for you my brother! I know exactly how you feel. We've all been there. It's so frustrating. A never-ending cycle of despair and confusion. Desperate for a hint from Hashem that he still loves you and for some clarity. You have a teiere Neshomo!! 

The best thing you can do now is to post and reach out to friends. Try to boost your mood with anything that makes you feel good. Don't be too upset with yourself. A fall isn't a dead end. It's a signpost showing you where to continue and what changes to make for the future.

And of course Hashem loves you to bits. כרחם אב על בנים. We're in a generation of הסתר פנים and can't always see things clearly but He is here. And you are a part of Him. Hopefully soon you'll find the strength within you to get back up and fight and win this battle for good!!! From your many beautiful, insightful posts on this thread, it is clear that you are very in touch with your feelings and have what it takes to win this battle בס''ד.

אל תתיאש מה' תבקש,
Keep strong,
UpAndDown

I could try to imagine what you are feeling right now, and my heart goes out for you as i am writing those words. Falling can feel crushing — not just because of what happened, but because of everything it awakens inside: shame, guilt, numbness, distance from Hashem.
You're a precious Jewish soul, struggling with something hard, and your cry — that raw, honest cry — is so beloved to Hashem. You are not broken beyond repair שבע יפול צדיק וקם was also written for you. 
So don't let this fall define you — let your rise define you. The fact that you’re in pain proves your heart is alive. The fact that you’re still reaching out proves you haven’t given up. And Hashem hasn’t either given up on you — not for a second. Stay strong my friend and i hope to talk to you in better times.

Dear friend,

How are you? It's been some time since we heard from you. We know that you're trying to get clear, or more bluntly – rid of us, but we've got a few things to straighten out before we part.

Rosh Hashana is coming up and we know you'll be standing and vowing that you won't know us anymore. Here's the thing, last year you did the same and two days later you fell, hard. Don't tell us that last year before RH you were clean for a shorter period of time – cut the crap! You have been clean for longer than you are now and you fell. It's one thing to lie to us by saying 'I'm never going to post' and 'I'll never speak to a mentor', it's another, to try to fool God.

On the other hand, do you think God really cares that you're putting in all this effort, is it really worth it? Listen, it's the way the world is today, be practical, don't lose your rationality. Hashem brought you here in the first place, if he would care or wouldn't want it, he wouldn't put you here with us. So what, that there are a couple of guys on GYE that are trying to fight the world, who cares. The world is sexualized and you live in it, you can't run away, face it.

You know that you can't put up with your wife, she is just not s**y enough for you. You walk down the street and you see women, some hotter than your wife and some not, but all of them surely have better intimacy than you, otherwise their husbands wouldn't survive. Forget everything your silly mentor says, take our word for it, it won't get better. Every time you have a disagreement with your wife and think 'if the intimacy would be good, at least I would feel loved sometimes', isn't that a legitimate thought? It's a basic human need, I give it to you in abundance, say thanks.

You're human, you need an outlet, when you're stressed, down, or just don't feel loved. Imagine the thought of never using us again, you agree that it feels like you're missing out, so, there is something to us. We just add to life, we give excitement, if you never come back, who knows what you'll be missing, you will become one of those close-minded people that don't know anything about our big and fun world.

Don't say we don't add to your life, since you dropped us you also stopped with YouTube -our close buddy, we're afraid you're just going to become a complete ignoramus. Where on earth are you going to get any good videos? You already watched all the GYE videos, that's just another thing absent in your life.

Come back, just one time, you'll start again for the new year, you won't regret it and btw maybe the reason you hate yourself after meeting us is, the cause of all the badmouthing and slander about us, that you've been hearing and believing.

You're nothing but a piece of trash, your life is messed-up anyway, you have been in our grasp for years and years, just give up! You will never be able to look yourself in the mirror anyway, you won't grow to become who you want to be, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Think again of the freedom while being with us, without your mind being jailed socially, religiously or consciously, that's true liberty, without hindrance or restraint.

 We are waiting for you with open arms,

P&M

goldwings,

so happy to see you back, we missed these beautiful posts!!

just stay with us and keep posting, it gives us and i'm sure urself too the chizuk.....

Dear Brothers, 
I'm having a really hard day, tried calling my mentor but he didn't pick up.

I was doing so good, but now the wave of bad feelings came crushing down at me.
I am trying, but I'm in need of a boost, chizuk, inspiration, anything.

[I thank all of you for any chizuk I got from you in the past, because otherwise I would have been long off the cliff]

maybe prepare another strong post to give us chizuk and you will benefit of it as well.