I have not been on GYE consistently for many years. I do come back and check in. I am happy to see that overall my life has improved. My sanity and sobriety has also improved. My main focus over the years shifted from "working on the problem" to creating a general atmosphere and life circumstance that was supportive to my positive moments and wins.

An early morning means you have to have an early night. An early night takes care of a significant period of risk.

I also learned that power of daily learning like Vayimaen or some other quick thing like that. 

Scheduling is a key tool.  Most recently I started scheduling my Sundays. This is after getting into a routine of weekday work and learning. I had always left my Sundays to basically rot. Rotting is the first step for me in acting out. So I started getting ahead of it, and planning what I was doing on Sunday. SPecifically my plan was to avoid isolation. That helped. 

Filter- I still find it hard to not see the full images in the news and the like. But at the end of the day, no skin tones is way better. I find that I am less focused on the news I used to be focused on anyhow. 

Shalom, and thank you for checking in.

What you have described has helped me tremendously as well. I think it's part of how Torah is the antidote to the YH - because Torah is life. Not just learning Torah, but living Torahdik. When our life is full, there is less room for that unstructured spontaneity that hinders our assertive positive choices. 

Please try to visit more often and share your experience with others who can gain from reading about it.
Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

Thanks for reading Ben Hashem and for your encouragement. 

Summer went pretty well. This was the first summer that I can remember that when we got a way for a few days I did not turn the filter off. In the past I have needed that to connect to wifi. But this time I didn't. The connection was fine, and while I did think about it, I did not shut the filter so there was no real chance to see porn. I am getting more happy about having a good filter. It was hard to get used to, but now it is becoming more ingrained in me. I think in general my life is becoing more focused on important stuff. 

So here is a big milestone of the summer. I finally got the guts to tell my wife how much I appreciated that she did not walk out on me when she discovered I was looking at porn. It's a conversation that should have happened 20 years ago. And had it happened, I may not have had so much guilt building up in me and festering into acting out. But I was not man enough at the time or for a long time actually.... so it stayed inside me. It was good to finally get it off my chest. To admit my guilt openly. I told her peh maleh, she saved my life. It is not an easy conversation for her. I guess that is completely normal. And I don't think I should talk about it more now, maybe not ever or at least not for a while. But she finally got to see and hear a proper apology. I told her none of that was ever her fault. Despite how miserable i was, and often made her because I wanted more (a more beautiful wife, a more sexually intense marriage... etc), she has always been a supportive spouse. That somehow over the years clicked and I started getting myself together in little pieces. But I had never gone back to her and apologized. I presented myself and "cleaned up" "Not doing that anymore" "past it". But the honest VERBAL, DIRECT and remorseful apologies are the real cement over that grave. I pray that stage of my life is gone forever. 

Our personal and intimate life has improved a lot too. I won't do details on that. BUt suffice to say, the emotional baggage of my past misdeeds has hurt me particularly during moments of intimacy. Working through that step by step is hard, but I am beginning to see some fruit.

Today as I looked at some past emails I had between people I was chatting with online, I realized how obvious it was that it was all BS. Hoping that I will get strength from the coming days to grow more committed to my current path and put this behind me. I want to do a real return away from the person I was and become the person I want to be. I got a webcahver, filter and also gave my wife my phone combo over the last year or so. These were incrimental changes that took place over a long time. Those externals in place though are the good source of support and direction for where I want to go inside. 

Thanks for reading Ben Hashem and for your encouragement. 

Summer went pretty well. This was the first summer that I can remember that when we got a way for a few days I did not turn the filter off. In the past I have needed that to connect to wifi. But this time I didn't. The connection was fine, and while I did think about it, I did not shut the filter so there was no real chance to see porn. I am getting more happy about having a good filter. It was hard to get used to, but now it is becoming more ingrained in me. I think in general my life is becoing more focused on important stuff. 

So here is a big milestone of the summer. I finally got the guts to tell my wife how much I appreciated that she did not walk out on me when she discovered I was looking at porn. It's a conversation that should have happened 20 years ago. And had it happened, I may not have had so much guilt building up in me and festering into acting out. But I was not man enough at the time or for a long time actually.... so it stayed inside me. It was good to finally get it off my chest. To admit my guilt openly. I told her peh maleh, she saved my life. It is not an easy conversation for her. I guess that is completely normal. And I don't think I should talk about it more now, maybe not ever or at least not for a while. But she finally got to see and hear a proper apology. I told her none of that was ever her fault. Despite how miserable i was, and often made her because I wanted more (a more beautiful wife, a more sexually intense marriage... etc), she has always been a supportive spouse. That somehow over the years clicked and I started getting myself together in little pieces. But I had never gone back to her and apologized. I presented myself and "cleaned up" "Not doing that anymore" "past it". But the honest VERBAL, DIRECT and remorseful apologies are the real cement over that grave. I pray that stage of my life is gone forever. 

Our personal and intimate life has improved a lot too. I won't do details on that. BUt suffice to say, the emotional baggage of my past misdeeds has hurt me particularly during moments of intimacy. Working through that step by step is hard, but I am beginning to see some fruit.

Today as I looked at some past emails I had between people I was chatting with online, I realized how obvious it was that it was all BS. Hoping that I will get strength from the coming days to grow more committed to my current path and put this behind me. I want to do a real return away from the person I was and become the person I want to be. I got a webcahver, filter and also gave my wife my phone combo over the last year or so. These were incrimental changes that took place over a long time. Those externals in place though are the good source of support and direction for where I want to go inside. a

I looked at my socrecard. I did do some P and M this year and some other regretable acting out. (BH nothing in person). But the overall trajectory is heading in the right direction. For this I am happy and grateful. 

OTRBACKONTRACK wrote on 09 Sep 2025 15:24:

Your mindful approach and progress is inspiring.
The quoted line is something I feel too, but I think I push it out of my mind because I cant deal with it. It would be helpful if you could share what some of those steps are.