Day 29:
Tuesday
Today went okay. The new employee came dressed somewhat tznius but to a person who watched porn in the past, no one is ever really dressed tznius enough. I did see things but I made sure when showing the employee on how to use the computer that she should not be in my eyes view. It was stressful because there were at times when I would talk to a client she would interject and say her advice which I did not mind but I felt like I had a lack of confidence. This stress was my cue and I had an urge 6/10 to go and watch porn. Baruch Hashem I was able to control myself but the urge is still there. I understand we need test to grow but why cant we grow without test?
Update:
I almost slipped yesterday. I got into a big argument with my wife and I was very stressed and I wanted to look at porn. BARUCH HASHEM everything is blocked in my house. I tried looking but nothing came up that was pornographic or as bad. Is this considered a fall?

reset the shot clock יָגַעְתִּי וְלֹא מָצָאתִי — אַל
This is just one of the many great reasons to have a good filter. 

It's great you are so aware of what's triggering you. HHM has pointed at that watching porn is basically cheating on your wife (certainly in her eyes). If this is a common trigger, it may be helpful if you can try to think of what a disproportionate response that is - she got upset so you're going to go cheat on her? 

Do I start again? Like from day one even if I did not watch porn or masterbated?
You are right. I was very annoyed and I was not thinking. 

I meant don't reset the clock. Sorry if it wasn't clear. 

But as always, the count has gye rules for the gye chart, but do what makes sense for you. . .

Day 30:
Wednesday  

Today went well. After review yesterday events I feel like I need work on my stress since this is a big cue that could make me fall. I am still counting on my GYE calendar as clean but with a big urge. The reason why I am continuing is since I did not view/see porn or anything remotely to porn and did not masturbate. Did I get close to slipping? Yes. Did I search for things that was related to porn? Yes Would I have fallen if I did not filter all my devices at home? Yes.

Reaching 30 days clean from watching or masturbating to porn is a milestone and I know I will have possible close calls as get to 90 days.

I am just giving my opinion and not saying it as an authority. But if you tried to look for porn on the computer and the filters blocked it, and you didn't see anything, that is not a fall, and I would NOT reset the clock! To me, that is a WIN, a huge win. You took the time to install filters just for this reason, and the fact that they worked should be a positive, not a negative. 

The power of filters is hard to overstate. They are so crucial to all of us. I am still building my Iron Dome of Filitering in my own personal life.

Day 31:
Thursday

Today out of the blue the new employee came and started shadowing me. First, she emailed saying “Hi can I shadow you”? and I politely said that I am unable to multitask and that I don’t mind setting up a google meet to go over questions she had. Then after talking to a client, I came back to my desk and I hear a knock on my door and all of sudden I see her. I am like seriously! I told her politely that I am busy but if she like she can write a list of questions and I gladly answer them. So I spent my entire lunch time answering all her questions. What a day! I am still trying to manage my stress which I feel is the number one cue that will cause me to fail. Its hard but I am trying. I have been telling myself its not worth falling-“I have gotten so far, why fail now” or imaging me signing a get to my wife and not seeing my kid grow up. I just want to be clean and be a better person. Thank you Hashem for getting me this far.

Day 34:
Sunday 

​I fell today. Why? I think it was due to stress and unable to control my cravings. I feel upset with myself. I was so close but I am not going to stop. I know how I fell, what caused it, and know I am going to try again. 
I'll be learning in Israel for Elul Zman so therefore I am unable to give regular updates. 

HB,

Learning from our falls and making adjustments and improvements is key.


Here's wishing you much sustained success in changing your insides  to be clean for years to come!

Muttel

hundredbrachos wrote on 02 Sep 2024 15:41:

Sorry to hear about your recent challenge.
Glad to hear you are bouncing back with the right attitude.
Do you have any contact information for some of the wonderful folks here so you can reach out any time?

Hatzlacha in the new zman!