continuation from previous post.

So i would go through the years in yeshiva learning away doing great, with only the greatest compliments from my rebbeim, and then at night i would curl up in bed and mb, oh and during the day a few times in the bathroom..., a few times i even acted out together with other boys..., and then it would come bein hazmanim and i would run first thing to the local store and bought a porn magazine, so with my tefillin in one hand and the magazine in the other the "masmid" made his way to the shul bathroom for a extra long first seder, and so on and on with alot of phone sex, i don't see to much of a point for me to get all detailed about my acting out, so i'll continue my basic journey.

Basically i felt the need to impress my father in order to get recognition and approvement from him, but this is not healthy and i didn't feel any love for myself, so i trained my mind that i wanna get recognized by everyone else by being the "top" boy, so i would therefor shteig away with one goal in mind making sure everyone noticed and was impressed, whenever i was alone in a shul (so that my parents would appreciate what a masmid i am), i would just be spacing out or reading a book, but if someone walked in than i would fast make beleive that i was shteiging, and i still suffer from this to this very day, while i am bh learning alot, i still feel the need to impress others, (even some of my very own gye friends).

And so i got married to a choshuveh girl from a top family invei hagefen, but thats when things really spiraled out of control, i was suddently free and had access to some money and a car, so what happened is that it got really really bad and the next few years i was completely on the loose, while every night i was out late till the wee hours of the morning, with my wife shepping nachas from her masmid, in reality i was busy going to.....,

Bh i'm in alot better place (for the past couple of years, but still not good yet, keeping on working), but in the past couple of years my relationship with my father really soured, while in the past i would try to impress him by hondeling a shvereh r' chaim, now i gave up and i stopped even trying i basically ignored him, there is no reason to do this anymore if i am not getting what i need which is just a simple normal relationship.

Problem is that it really bothers me and every time i walk out of the house i feel depressed about it, and yes i am more at risk of acting out, so therefor i am trying to work on this now in therapy, i hope it helps me to write this all out there.

And totty if your reading this you should know that i don't blame you for anything, i don't think that you were trying to harm me, you just didn't know how to deal with me, and yes maybe just maybe you didn't (don't) know how to be the best totty, but i really believe that u do care about me and you want whats best for me.

Wow thanks for sharing!

It's amazing how much progress you are making. 
It must be so hard having that relationship, or lack thereof, with your father. 

I wish you much success with this struggle and I hope things get better with that relationship.

soaring high wrote on 12 Jul 2021 01:36:

Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing. 
You’re on a good path mr kollel yingermangye

Hi guys bh day 33!

As someone who suffers a lot from living my life trying to impress others, (and therefor not connecting well with people, because I always have to give off the aura that i'm perfect, and not feeling happy with myself for who I am, which is one of the reasons why I turned to the escape of acting out, please hashem help that I will continue being clean, I really want it! and just because I was clean yesterday says nothing about today, I have to always remind myself that i'm not perfect and if I start convincing others that I am, than it will make me think [in a very unhonest way] that I am, and that's akin to skydiving with a malfunctioned parachute, ok enough with this ramble).

I wanna share a thought that i half way got from a shmuess that i was listening to yesterday from r' mattisyahu solomon shlita, i'm not sure if this is exactly what he meant, but basically he was talking about not living our lives comparing ourselves to other people, and he said that we should not look to impress anyone, only try to impress the ribono shel olam.

And it got me thinking, you know the seforim are full that there is no such thing as a bad midda, everything just has to be used and channeled towards the right places, there are times that kaas is called for and so on, so maybe this innate thing that i have to try to impress others aint that bad after all, it just has to be redirected and i should instead focus on impressing and showing off to hashem for that's what really counts.

So think about it if i'm trying to impress him the one who knows me in and out, the one that i can't hide nothing from, than if i'm trying to be better then someone else will that impress him? will he say wow your amazing because you learned for 2 hours and yankel only learned for 1? of course not! hashem just wants us to be real and to be our real selves, and to wanna do what's right for ourselves, so basically if i'm trying to impress hashem then it's oxy moron to also try to impress others, so i gotta choose, and i hope i choose what we all know is right.

It was a powerful thought for me so i thought i'll share,

Signing off from the proud (wanna be) hashem pleaser,
the soaror

hi guys bh still clean! 41 days!

Bein hazmanim is harder, but bh i'm InTouch with guys more often to help me through it, it's harder because I have more time on my hands but even more it's because if i'm not learning the wat I want to then I don't feel good about myself and I feel empty, so to help it a little I took upon myself to learn a specific amount (of gemora) every day, it helps me but it's still hard.

I'm realizing how in the past my whole bein hazmanim was being busy with all the shmutz, I therefor didn't have any time to think about myself and where i'm really holding in life, and before I knew it it was the next zman, so therefor in the past I didn't get bothered by the fact that I didn't really learn because I was busy with all the shmutz, so now that I am not acting out and I feel all this extra time that I have it bothers me more that i'm not learning the way I wanna.

So I guess number one is to realize that it is a good sign that I am feeling this way, because it means that I am not busy with all the other stuff, and number two I have to keep try to keep to some sort of plan, and mainly number three that I should be happy with myself and not knock myself for not being better, because even if there is room for growth doesn't mean that i'm not doing great today!

Ok hatzlocha to all,

P.s. i'm gonna have a hard time this Shabbos because i'm going to be in a toxic family situation, I hope to pull out of it and not get all down, because if I do then u know what happens next, iyh i'll post back after Shabbos for some accountability

Bh doing great!!!! Shabbos wasn't easy but a lot of the times that it got tough I just thought about what is the right thing that hashem wants me to be doing now, and didn't pay much attention to anything else, so bh i'm not feeling down!!!

Hatzlocha from the soaring soaror!

Hi guys, yesterday I fell, I had a 51 day streak, 51 days of growth, and iyh i'm gonna continue, I did sign a shtar a few weeks ago about not doing certain activities, and that if I will I would (in addition to some other stuff) have to tell my wife, and bh that held me back from going down that road, but still I fell I fell I fell.



I like to think (thanx to hhm) that I am in middle of climbing a mountain, and I injured myself on the way up, I have 2 choices either to give up and go back down, or to enjoy the sight from 51 days up and then continue the climb, I wanna choose option 2!



A big thing for me was actually being honest and reach out to someone and tell him that I fell, because in the past I would of just looked over it, and made believe that nothing happened, but if I wanna grow and really work on this than I have to be honest with where I am holding



My whole life I was living just for lust, that was what I woke up and went to sleep thinking about, it wasn't just a drug, it was my whole purpose of living, so it's gonna be a process to start living life for real, it's hard because it's just sooo hard, but man it's worth it, I don't wanna be busy with sex all day I wanna be clean, I wanna I wanna I wanna.



So what are my plans for the future? there's no major future here, i'm taking it slowly very slowly, but I do have to try to make sure this doesn't happen again. so I will iyh do the taphsic shvuah till the end of bein hazmanim, and I will please god really try to make sure to actually make a phone call to one of my good friends over here if I am feeling in a tight spot, while in the past I have made phone calls, I only did it in the beginning stages, but there would come a point that my mind would tell me that I reached a decision that I am going to act out and there is no return, but I have to try to make a phone call even if I am holding there and hopefully that can help.



Signing off from the soaror who's still soaring (hough I hit some turbulence, I will iyh not make a landing!), hatzlacha to all, day # 1

.

soaring high wrote on 03 Aug 2021 16:00:

Great attitude!

Hatzlacha

hi guys just checking in, bh doing good and getting ready for the new zman, hatzlocha to all!

Hi guys!

So long time that i wasn't here, bh things are pretty busy with my life, so i dont have much extra time (and i don't have internet at home, so i need the time to go out to use it), bh i'm feeling good and i am being very productive, and while i dont come on here to much, i am in constant contact with others, and am seeing improvement, thank you hashem, i love u!

AND TODAY IS DAY 30!!!!!
Signing off from the soaror who (hopefully) doesn't get tired from the ride, a ksiva vichosima tova to all, and let's look at where we were holding a year ago and (hopefully for many of us) compare it with where we are today!! look back and be proud (and don't compare ourselves to others) because we are amazing!!

Mazel Tov on 30!  Kein yirbu!

Just updating the olam i am bh doing amazing!! i just have to be prepared to feel a certain "low" after yom kippur and especially after sukkos when the yomim tovim are done and were back regular life, in the past these were harder times for me and i would alot of times get depressed and start acting out.

Just acknowledging this beforehand can help me, and to realize that it's ok to feel like that because it is a adjustment, and because things feel naturally (for me) so good on the yomim tovim and then all of a sudden one day to the next.... its a real 360, so i guess preparing for it and writing it out can help, as well as reaching out if i feel the need, and maybe to think that the yomim tovim are there to feel a certain high and to give us a certain boost into our mundane life's, but not that were supposed to be on that level all the time.

Ok enough for now i think that i got it out of my system. gmar chasima tova to all from the flying soaror!