Hi guys! I had a bad fall yesterday,
I have been working on this issue for a while, with sometimes even having long streaks (longest was about 9 months), and i can say that over all i am doing better now than i was in the past.
So here's what i am coming to realize, the only reason why i wanted (or maybe even still want) to stop is because it was making me depressed and not feel good about myself, which makes a lot of sense, but the problem is that after a while i don't feel that anymore so i start all over again, even though deep down i know what's gonna happen, so i think that part of me still wants all this shmutz and that's why i'll keep on going back to it.
So where do i go from here? just continue half trying my whole life? is that what i want? do i really wanna continue like this? the answer is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
So now what? i think that i have to want to stop lusting period. because even when i was clean in the past and i knew that it's not ok to be lusting, but it's not something that i ever really cared for, for i was fine drooling over ladies body's as long as i didn't act on it, but i'm slowly realizing that it's all or nothing if i'm gonna stare at 'em all than i'm gonna end up with them (or others) in bed.
So lusting is terrible for me and i am gonna work on wanting to stop, of course it doesn't mean that i have to stop lusting completely right away (although that would be great), but just the idea that it is something that i don't want hopefully could do wonders,
i have tons more to say but i don't wanna bore u guys to death hopefully over time i'll get it all out, for now i would love to hear from you guys.
Oh and btw i'm gonna start a count with the chevra so here's day 1!
Bye for now, hope your gonna soar high with me.

Welcome aboard!
Please don't hesitate to write anything (it's not boring at all) as it's a great tool for accountability and recovery. (that's the purpose of this forum after all).

I'll give you one on the most important pieces of advice that has been repeated over and over here, and we must keep on internalizing it:

Take the struggle only “one day at a time.” Try never to focus on the future or wonder how we will manage. We must learn to live in the present only, focusing on staying "clean" or "sober" right NOW. When we focus on the future, we can easily fall. It’s like someone walking a tightrope; if he looks down, it becomes so much harder not to fall. Therefore, when feeling weak we can tell ourselves, “just for today, I will stay clean.” “Just for this moment, I will stay clean.” The past and the future are out of our hands and belong only to Hashem. When we feel that we are about to fall, we may even tell ourselves that we reserve the right to act out tomorrow. We are not making a decision now for life. However, just for today we will do whatever we can to stay clean.

Thank you r' dovid for the advice,
While i truly believe that we should only focus on this as a day by day struggle, i also think that it's important to be serious about the whole thing and to really wanna stop, that's what i think i'm realizing, so all i meant to say is that the path that i was on till now was not a road that couldv'e even possibly led me to stay clean, so even for todays fight i have to wanna overcome it not just because it makes me depressed, and not just because of the problems that it causes, but also because i want the possitvety of a clean life, i have to actually want to be clean for the sake of that in it of itself, i hope i'm being clear over here,
from the high soaring guy.

Stopping cold turkey has its advantages. When done right, a person can leave entire addictions behind in a short time. He won’t need to maintain his attention and effort for nearly as long. Although at first he will need extreme willpower, he will quickly develop new habits and need even less willpower than a regular person. Once he gets through the initial difficult period and eases into a new way of life, it becomes much easier to control himself.

A plan involving gradual change often is the best way to attain self-control. If a person just “does not feel it,” it will be hard for him to change his life. Though he knows he should stop sinning, he might not have the strength to sustain such a big change. But because deep down he wants to be good and do what’s right, he can set up a plan to change his behavior step by step until he achieves his goals. This method requires much less motivation and willpower than instantaneous, complete change.

soaring high wrote on 09 Jun 2021 15:35:

Just curious, how do you define a "bad" fall vs. a regular one? 

Welcome aboard!
Nice to have a new guy with us here.

Look around the forums; see what might work for you, and keep on posting, it does wonders!

Good luck
HappyYid

 

Just curious, how do you define a "bad" fall vs. a regular one? 



 While every fall is bad, sometimes it can be worse, and i guess it depends on each person based on what for them is out of their ordinary behaviors, for some people just masturbating once a week instead of once a month is already a "bad" fall, and rightfully so, while for others it might mean watching porn instead of just masturbating and so on, so it's all relative (in my humble opinion), and my fall 2 days ago was something worse than I usually do (although I have done it in the past a few years ago), I hope that I clarified this point for u.

Thanx r' happy yid and r' bm26 for your responses, ah gutten choidesh!
counting day 2! (one day at a time, although i wish the days go by quicker 

Welcome! Check out the links in my signature. They are very helpful.
 Hatzlocha

so I fell on Friday, I guess now I am on day 2, a huge problem that I have is how do I deal with unexpected extra time?
I have a basic schedule to my day, but when for whatever reason I find myself with a few extra hours, than I find myself turning to porn and whatever else.
I think that maybe if I don't have anything accomplishing to do than I don't feel good about myself, and that's what brings me to do these stuff, that's what I think but I am not 100% sure, any ideas?
from the soaror who's hopefully not gonna give up!

Dear SH
If you expect to have extra time in your day.
Maybe use the time to spend with your family, or possibly doing something that you have been pushing off for a long time.
Like 
Clean the garage
Take your wife out on a date
Do your taxes if you havent submitted them yet.

Basically you know ahead of time, plan it. Tell yourself, I know I have 3 hours open and usually I will do ...... but I will stay away from these things and do other things that I know will not make me fall.
Plan ahead, Plan ahead plan ahead

See this thread for ideas to combat boredom and keep strong...

Hi guys, first of all thank you eyes for your reply, you are a great guy , so today i had a few extra hours again, and i made a list of things that i wanted to take care of, so bh i was able to keep busy and not have that boredom, although i did have a incident in one of the stores that i went to that i bought one of the magazines at the checkout counter, which i think i did to look at some pretty women so that's not so good, but atleast it wasn't a sexual mag. and i got rid of it, but i am not counting that as a fall, just a trip .

And it seems pretty likely that my schedule should be back to regular tommorow which is great!

So i guess i am counting day 3!!! hip hip hurray (I AM TRYING TO FEEL HAPPY ABOUT 3 DAYS SOUNDS CRAZY, but i know one day at a time, and according to gye i am at level 2, so that's good)

Bh counting day 5, I hope this accountability thing will work for me even while staying anonymous, today I open my phone and there is a real bad picture sent to me there is no way (that I know of) to block it, I can block calls but I don't think that I can block texts, so I did look at it for a extra few seconds till I deleted it.
I don't wanna sound interesting, but I wanna share what's going on, on the outside I look like a popular outgoing pumpy fellow, the problem is that I feel so isolated, I don't really feel like I connect well with people (even or maybe especially family, but that's a long topic), I think that part of my problem is that I can't be vulnerable to anyone, I always wanna give off the impression that I am a perfect guy, and maybe even that i'm better than anyone else, (therefor even with my wife I don't feel like were in a deep connection because everything is always "great" by me)
I know that were not meant to be perfect and all that, were humans not angels, but the problem is that I still wanna convince others (and myself) that I am a sort of angel, I don't know if that's the only reason why I feel isolated, but I do think that it's deff. a big part of it, so I don't know if I can get help by writing this out but atleast it's something that anonymously I could be somewhat vulnerable,
From the soarar climbing high,
soaring high

soaring high wrote on 16 Jun 2021 17:52:

I dont remember if I had a chance to welcome you, so first, Wecome aboard! 
its amazing that you are aware that you are isolated and that especially your awareness that your trying to convince yourself that you are an angel, and that it's not true... 
may i ask why do you wanna be an angel? What's pushing you to wanna convince yourself that you are an angel what wrong with something less then that? 
the issue with just being happy as an angel is that life keeps in proving you wrong, your inevitability going to get disappointed time and time again, because nobody is an angel and everybody has shortcomings. And if you only accept yourself as an angel you wont really be able to live with yourself, and for many that leads to acting out as an escape. 
I would suggest you to check out excellence thread, where he speaks in great detail and very clear about this.
Hope to see you around!