I think I'm depressed. Not sure how it happened. It may because once again my wife slammed the door on me as soon as she got pregnant. Or it might be because I didn't have a chance to learn gemara today. Or I might be coming down from a high working on the house over the summer.

If I can't keep from getting depressed I don't stand a chance on the 90-day chart. Motivation goes to zero.

Today I had to impress upon one of my kids who's being bullied in school how to deal with the mental prison that makes him a target. I feel like I want to run away. I hope I can do a good job for him.

Another thing that got me down is that I quit dieting. I need to get back into that. My life was totally transformed while I was dieting. I was like the energizer bunny.

Wow, seems like a rough point in time for you. I hope it gets better.

mzl wrote on 09 Oct 2018 22:35:

Been there before here on the forum...and what was it, please, that was so unpleasant that got you to commit it wouldn't happen again, please. And specifically what was the episode that gave you that shivron leiv, please.

Dov wrote on 10 Oct 2018 04:47:

It's not material for a forum.

I already got criticized for writing too many details ...

mzl wrote on 09 Oct 2018 22:35:

The "lev nishbor" that Dov is referring to (if i may speak for him, with trepidation) is not the "broken heart" that comes from being a victim of a personal tragedy, or from life circumstances.

But rather it is a submissive heart. That comes from a deep acceptance that Hashem is running the show in a way that he knows best. It's about coming to terms with my life situation, and letting go of how I want my life to be. Its about giving my life to His will for me and learning to trust Him.

It's hard work, and its an ongoing process. But sometimes one gets to the point of being so crushed by life that it is the only way forward. 

And then it turns out to be a blessing.

I had a dream that I was crying on my mother's shoulders. We were both crying from joy for bringing a family back to Judaism and putting together a new generation. And then I asked her for forgivness crying and saying I didn't know what I was doing to her.

Years ago she davened for a new generation of Jews, to correct what was done to her father's family. I ended up becoming frum and getting married.

But I was bipolar and I ended up marrying a person who was like an impossible task to live next to, a historic achievement. Someone that was relegated to being single for the rest of her life (but I saw the sweet girl inside.) Normal, healthy options seemed hopelessly depressing. Also, she turned out to have old, deep seated anger and zero tolerance for my addiction. Like Rashi says, when he is behaving she'a an ezer, and when he doesn't she k'negdo.

But then my mother saw that I was that I was suffering, depressed and next to a person who couldn't have good feelings for me. I had kids by then so I had to stick with it. She had chronic pain for years which I think Hashem sent her when she thought "help my poor son." But Hashem could not hear these thoughts of her without preventing her dream of a new generation. The pain prevented her from thinking that tefilah.

In the meantime I spent years dealing with my problems and being unhappy, and I didn't understand what was going on. I think that is why I was asking for forgiveness in the dream.

I don't usually have this type of dream. I think was Dov's z'chus having pity on me, or maybe someone else. You always forget about this forum that the users have a lot of power to feel sorry for the other users. Or it might be Mike S. At any rate: thank you for your good thoughts.

I thought about leaving the forum so I can act out, but I don't want to leave. I have a connection to others here. It' a good data point.

The GYE forum servers and their users make up a cybernetic organism :-)

I got a call from work at 1 am, got up and worked a really urgent problem until 6 am.

I think the lesson for me is that my diet can work if I'm constantly active. Strenuously active. But if I am not then with my sedentary life I can never be motivated to manage my eating, because I don't need to be light on my feet.

And it doesn't have to be interesting or innovative work, just cleaning the house strenuously will probably do fine. My kids are like a factory of garbage. Cleaning the house would also be a mechaya for my marriage.

Yes, please keep at the forum it gives me chizuk to see you deal with your struggles.

Also, NEVER give up on having something that you want. Your current circumstances don't dictate your future ones. Even if you stick with your specific circumstances there are ways to mend them and grow them to be more suitable. Relationships specifically are always able to be improved. A perfect relationship is a very shallow relationship because in order to become close it takes mending two very different things together.

Hatzlacha!

mzl wrote on 10 Oct 2018 16:03:

Not sure if I should tell you this...But you can act out even while on the forum...

mzl wrote on 10 Oct 2018 16:03:

Brother, I would call it a family.

Ihavestrength wrote on 10 Oct 2018 19:50:

I don't see the point.

mzl wrote on 10 Oct 2018 15:58:

Many many people have 'difficult' marriages but they work on it, and don't consider the seeming quick and easy route of moving out as you have mentioned sometimes

I know what it can be and I feel for you, but not working on building the relationship with the wife and progressing in life with a coach for yourself is just gonna keep the old wheels spinning, and mitigates the good old "Keep On Trucking forward" motto

Seems you like writing out your daily thoughts here, and maybe you do as some others do - alot of thinking with a daily journal of data entries. I would be stuck if that's all I had, but maybe if you'd heed Dovs suggestion it would help you, if you're interested... your choice bro!

Day 3