Day 9.

I think I need to make myself at home in the 90-day topic.

Today I'm really upset because my wife is shopping all day again and I'm watching the kids.

I ate way too much, it's the only thing I could think about to do something nice for myself. Pathetic, I guess.

Does G-d really deserve me living next to her and not even masturbate? The worst part is that I have annihilated most of my desires so the thought of masturbating is like watching paint dry.

I guess tomorrow will be better. It's already 3:53 pm.

17:23

I'm feeling a little better. I started a watching a movie with my kids, snd the movie is funny.

My wife went back out to shop more but with her tail between her legs. At least I know that she is sorry that I'm having a hard time.

Earlier I felt like my prostate was being held in a little vice. The feeling is gone now B"H.

I've been having problematic feelings down there since I was a preschooler. My sex addiction made it feel better because it flushed the pipes.

Keep trucking brother, I can relate to having slow days and eating too much, today I went back to running and it felt amazing. May god be with you, wishing all the members of the forum sobriety ODAAT, god bless you.

Day 10

Had a respectful but direct argument with my wife, then I practiced a little with my guitar, and that mafe me feel good. I found a free video about fingerpicking.

I went out of my way for G-d this morning and as a result I got embarrassed in public.

Just saying ...

Good news: my wife is no longer available for sex. I mean, she was not willing before, but now she is not available ...

mzl wrote on 18 Jun 2018 12:32:

 "הַנֶּעֱלָבִין וְאֵינָם עוֹלְבִים שׁוֹמְעִים חֶרְפָּתָם וְאֵינָם מְשִׁיבִים עֲלֵיהֶם הַכָּתוּב אוֹמֵר "וְאהֲבָיו כְּצֵאת הַשֶּׁמֶשׁ בִּגְבוּרָתוֹ".

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 18 Jun 2018 14:11:

g e v u r a, The last word was supposed to be in bold and underlined

I'm sorry but I don't know what that means. I never went to yeshiva and my wife frowns on the husband taking time out to learn because she can barely stand raising a family herself (and she is raising a big one.)

If it means anything like "you're an egotist and tzadikim don't think like you" or anything like that let's just forget about it.

I think in order to be serene enough to live through the life I've forced myself into I need to do something to accept the fact that my wife was never equipped to love me properly. It just keeps coming up.

I was thinking that playing guitar might allow me to express the longing. Or else maybe saying tehillim. Yet another option is to have a grief break every day, have 15 minutes when I tell myself that she can never love me, what am I going to do, I deserve better ...and then stop it for the rest of the day.

I think the best thing to do is to get divorced, but my kids will miss me. I have heard of people that endured a daily torture and then went to olam haba with a good name.

I think someone must be reading my posts and feeling rachamim on me, or I'm helping somebody, because I got a thought into my head that feels totally injected from outside, I would not have had the z'chus. Thank you, whoever you are.

The thought is that I keep telling myself that my wife should live with me. That sounds totally reasonable, but maybe the answer is that she should not. Maybe the true purpose of my marriage is that she should not live with me and I should eliminate all the desire, like someone who is chemically castrated. Everybody has something they are cut out for, and I'm cut out for doing things nobody else can pull off.

I think that's my deal as long as I'm married to her. Like the para aduma is the mitzva that doesn't make sense, my wife is the woman that you marry in order to overcome sexual desire.

It seems rock solid.

I'm going to need some corrective action to take when I start telling myself that she should live with me, I'm going to end up doing that again before I know it.

You do a lot of thinking. Very impressive. I pray some of your pain/frustration gets alleviated.....

Amen amen amen

mzl wrote on 18 Jun 2018 14:56:

"Those who are insulted but do not insult back, hear themselves insulted but do not answer back... of them scripture says: 'But they who love Him shall be as the sun when it goes forth in its might'