mzl wrote on 11 Jul 2018 09:16:

Some of your posts are hard to follow
What is "geographically"?

I managed to find inapropriate stuff on "Maps" so I deleted that app. Is that what you meant?

Or are you referring to the female voice of GPS / Waze? Well then do what I did and change it to "Polski - Jacek"

Markz wrote on 11 Jul 2018 13:19:

As in the Bahamas, Ibiza, Amalfi, Eilat, Anchorage, Buzios, etc.

I mean when you travel around you run into a lot of women

Day 34

I asked my wife for s** only because some time yesterday I thought about her doing something for me weeks ago and I had my guard down because I hadn't slep in like 24 hours. She turned me down, she holds she is not responsible for it.

I would have masturbated, I only stopped myself out of respect for the other guys on the forum.

As they say you made your bed now sleep in it.

Very impressive. Just I think you deserve to give yourself some credit. You refrained from masturbating not just because of the other guys on the forum... Allow yourself a pat on the back buddy

Hashem Help Me wrote on 12 Jul 2018 19:40:

Sure. My part comes in when I keep coming back and posting and getting involved. I have also developed tools to defuse the yetzer hara, and those are actually pretty laborious so I take credit for the labor. But the motivation is the key to everything. Because fundamentally I believe masturbating would have been reasonable in that situation. I need motivation in order to push myself.

Day 35

I think one huge problem my wife and I have is that we both have expectations that are not realistic and are not going to be met, about pushing our family along. There's a big empty space between how far I can go and how far she can go. It's bearable when school is in session but in the summer it's unreal. I'm hoping to improve my performance somewhat so she doesn't have to change, because I know she won't. I'm not even thinking about love (we really don't know what that is,) just raising the kids.

We've had better days. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

mzl wrote on 13 Jul 2018 17:47:

You can discuss that with your marriage counselor, no?

I don't have a marriage counselor. Last time we had a major crisis she threw me out of the house and I was gone for a while. During that time we both saw counselors. She was told to give it up, it would never work. I was told to give it up, it will never work. That was seven years ago.

I think this is where the rubber meets the road for my masturbation habit. I have to forego the fantasies that I would normally use to blow off steam.

I have to remember everything I have learned about her, to see that she should be behaving exactly as she's behaving. And think out of the box and cope with the concrete kid management challenges.

Good thing I have markz and other sophisticated friends, who relate very well .,,

Day 37

I had a close one today.

Last night I lived with my wife. I woke up in the middle of the night and I must have been sleeping on my back (big no-no) because I really wanted it. So I woke my wife up and mumbled something and I got what I wanted. The key here is that I was half asleep and the filter in my head was not operational, I was like a healthy husband who wants it now and then. She went along with it.

Then today I wanted more and I asked her to dress up etc., but I was fully conscious and respectful (if argumentative) and she shut me down pretty well. I was feeling like I wanted to masturbate and then I thought "how am I going to tell the guys on the forum?" So I decided that no matter how, I have to turn this off. And I figured I saw or thought something last night which makes me need more now.

And then I realized what it was. It was the fact that I bothered her in the middle of the night with no one seeing it, meaning she can't get away, and the fact that she was uncomfortable through it all. And also it felt like a slow, deliberate, quiet, inexorable payback for her being in a bad mood this week, raising her voice with me and roasting me over the coals somewhat unjustly. I was putting her down better than I ever could have using words. Once I put my finger on it I was able to get past it.

Anyhow nailing that down took some effort because it's really mean and even I felt a little shame about it.

Now I'm back to reality. She still doesn't want to please me and I have kids to raise and need to make the best of it. Olam haba is a little closer today than it was yesterday.

I have to say that I'm very impressed with your brutal honesty with yourself as well as self awareness. It says a lot about who you are as a person. You're doing awesome - a little closer to Olam haba indeed!

I don't feel like I'm doing awesome. I feel like I am in over my head.

But I don't feel like I'm alone doing it.

I also think that Hashem would help me in major ways if I can figure out what to ask for without sounding like a fool.

I'm looking forward to working on learning my guitar when the three weeks are over.

I am also going to begin running regularly to give me a reason to manage my weight. I need to not die young and have energy to raise my kids. They need someone to watch out for them, it needs to get done.

I think I need to write somewhere about my wife's anger to feel better about it. It's putting me on edge. When we were engaged I was told by a chacham that she had a lot of anger, and he was right on target.