Day 28 B"H

I am spending some time with my relatives, which could be an opportunity to not retreat into my shell and talk instead.

I remember that when I was a kid I used to make my own supper. It puzzled my mother why I did that. I still do that today. Yet I like it when my wife makes a supper I can eat too.

Day 29

I had a really rough night last night, there was a moment when I really wanted to cheer myself up by masturbating and I only held back in order not to let my forum buddies down. And today I am better off. Thank you!

The other day I remembered vividly what went through my head many times as a child masturbating while thinking about my brutal fantasies, especially the ones that involved men victimizing me. There was often a moment when I chose to go ahead and think about something which would be considered illegal, immoral, or frowned upon in order to get more aroused, and I made up my mind to keep away from other people in order to protect them from me.

And I think those thoughts in the long term caused me to sterilize emotional connections to family and friends. In part the hope was to prevent others from finding out that I was evil and reject me, and in part it was the need to protect others.

Still today I get a little turned on when I think about certain well known types of evil men doing certain things. I think my logic was "if I like it I must be evil." Today there's no doubt in my mind that the desire was really a mental illness.

mzl wrote on 08 Jul 2018 04:44:

I can relate to that and have a feeling that many here can. I am not naturally a socializing type of person, but knowing that I have a "dark secret" definitely added to that and made me want to keep away from people so that they wouldn't find out.

Day 30 yay

mzl wrote on 08 Jul 2018 19:06:

Good to hear

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Markz, I read more about AS. You are right up there with Dov as one of the more interesting people on this forum.

Do you have "repetitive behaviors" like it says on wikipedia?

What kind of therapist is your therapist?

mzl wrote on 08 Jul 2018 22:14:

1.  I think everyone here is interesting in their own way...

2. No
No
No
No

3. Focused on AS

very funny markz

Day 31

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All thanks to the holy people here!

When I'm away from home my relationship with my wife improves, it just takes off. It's amazing. I noticed this many times in the past but it didn't make sense to me so I tried to dismiss it. I think when I'm not around it enables her to stop wondering when I might want to get physical next (which after many years I have learned to basically never do) and stop blaming herself for not providing. It gives her a welcome alibi - she's not providing only because I'm away from home - which puts a smile on her face. And it also makes it easier for me to relate to her as a person. She's also forced to take care of everything so she stops running out somewhere all day and she becomes a super mom.

The really scary thing is that our first date was a telephone date that lasted two and a half hours. Our next date was a short face to face date and wasn't very good.

I think there's an alternate universe where I have a job with 100% travel, see my kids once a month and where my wife and I are crazy about each other, where my mother didn't die of a broken heart because of my depression getting married and having kids, and where I have lots of time to learn. And also where we have different problems, my kids never see me, my clients wonder how I can be away from home for so long, and who knows what other problems. The thing that bothers me about it is the possibility of Hashem setting me up for success that way and my not having emunah to go down that road.

There's no doubt that my current situation is a higher madrega, but I still want my wife to have a smile on her face.

End of unintelligible post ...

mzl wrote on 10 Jul 2018 06:00:

Ironic, but this post of yours, I actually understood most of it.

I was reading s&k's 30-day message on another thread. Boy I sure would be happy if I never again had to masturbate thinking about demeaning a woman or being demeaned by a man.

I suppose it will happen eventually. There will be a last day of that nonsense.

Day 32

I was recently exposed (geographically) to a level of pritzus which B"H I don't usually have to reckon with. Shudder. It occurred to me that in this day and age every little moment where you have an opportunity to get aroused in the street etc. and you choose some other behavior instead, that has look extremely rare, special and delightful to the Master of the Universe. It seems like a real chesed to Hashem that people swim against the current, against all odds.