A good vuch chevrah,
im celebrating this week a year of being a memeber of this wonderful Chaburah! It was a year ago when i bumped in to this wonderful site, after receiving this innocent email from GYE, (did someone sent it to me, maybe, and who cares) thank you all for helping this wondeful site to continue via your support, you are all part of our clean days..
Thank you all

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 11 Mar 2018 06:06:

You’re really an amazing inspiration; keep shteiging and working!

Congrats Shivisi!!!

ODAAT + ODAAT + ODAAT + .... + ODAAT = INFINITY! 



KOT

wow!! what a night, I wish it would be just a dream, but no, it was for real, I had last night a major fall, I acted out not once, and not twice, but three times, it was like taking revenge for the last 237 clean days, should I say that I'm back at stage 1? where I just didn't care about acting out? I loved it? I don't know, yes and no, but at the moment, I don't feel that I want to stay clean, and that's why I'm back here. I need the support..

all started last night, when I just couldn't fall asleep, so somehow my hands traveled down where it shouldn't, with no bad intention (mmmm can is say it for 100%? I don't know) I really didn't had in mind what ended up happening, and no, I didn't had access to porn the last year... I was in a good mood, so I don't know what was the trigger, probably loneliness, but I started playing with myself, and from there its history, I felt like taking revenge on all this clean days, no, don't get me wrong, I was very happy to stay clean, and I didn't even dream of ruining it, it was great days, every single one of them, and it wasn’t that tough staying clean, but I guess that this is happening when you feel this wrong security on yourself, I was just giving out all my energy on acting out.

so now after this stormy night, I feel like, why going back to start this struggle? why starting again? and that's why I was hesitating this morning to write it out here on the forum, if I'm not really interested to continue why getting on the forum? but the truth is, at the end of the day, I, my real me, do really want to stay clean again, and that's why I'm here, I don't want to get back as a double person, but my real problem is, why do I currently feel that I'm fine with acting out, I have to admit, that I didn't feel bad at all in the morning by acting out, and I would do it again, I have no regret at all, isn't that strange? am I normal? Its battering me why im comfortable with that. I would continue doing it, but I know that its a terrible thing and that's why I'm here, against my will... I need the support, I will start again 90 days, and I will get myself a new partner, and I will start a TAPHSIC, but as of now, I don't have to KOACH to do it, I'm still easy going with it…

another problem, im extremely busy at work, i just dont have the time to post here, but ill force my self doing that every day, its a must for me in order to start again.... 

I need your support to get me going....... I feel like going on the street and scream HHHEEELLLPPPP!!!!!!

hey buddy, Thanks for posting about your fall.
It took a lot of guts! We are here for you. keep posting and sharing.PM me if you want my E-mail.

hi shvisi,

Have not been in touch with you Pretty long. Thanks for sharing and thanks for your honesty. you have dont lots of hard work. this fall is not easy. I have had one as well a bit over a year ago, as you remember. please read my thread the last 2 or 3 pages and you will see that it is indeed possible to pick myself up after a fall with Hashems help.

Keep on trucking brother and you will be fine. it is a new era in your recovery, and im sure you will recover and move forward.

Lomed

Shvisi



I feel the same as you brother

I feel with you brother



The act itself doesn't physically bother me as much either, but the after effects are too painful for me, e.g. Lack of sleep etc etc etc which are part of the package...

lomed wrote on 09 Apr 2018 20:25:

i remember your fall, and i will read your thread.. thanks

Markz wrote on 09 Apr 2018 20:35:

i just need the push to start (is it start? or just a continuation, and the fall was just a reminder, hay, watch out???? no clue) trucking again, its a battery issue, do you have a spare to borrow for 90 days? 

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 09 Apr 2018 18:47:

oh, and i forgot to reset my days clock 

  sorry to hear. But you came back and shared with honesty and commitment so you're already on the way back up! 
More than the YH wants your fall, he wants your Yiush. Don't give it to him! You know what you really want deep inside. Everything else, all the doubts and numbness, is just a shell and an illusion. Pick yourself up, learn from your experience and keep moving forward. KOMT!!

Day #1

B"H my new First Day had past successfully clean!! 
wasn't that tough as expected, for i minute i had that thought, that i anyway fell, so let me continue, but i quickly moved that thought away, so yes, im clean!!! B"H.

the only way i passed the last 237 days clean was by: One Day at a Time!  and yes, its doable, so i will continue doing what hasem want from me.

Let’s Stay Strong! Let’s Stay Clean! And let’s be positive and happy, Yes! We can and we will do it! And Together....

I second Gevura!
A ball that hits a wall with a lot of force, rockets off that same wall with as much force (ki'mat)!

Sounds like you're on the rebound!

Honesty is the key to unlocking this, and you seem to have that on your keyring. (as well as many other great things, like the humility key, etc...)

Hatzlacha and may this next stage grow beautifully one day at a time, into a gorgeous blossoming tree to which others getting sucked in by the deluge of lust can grab on.

TzedekChaim wrote on 10 Apr 2018 19:12:

Thank you! Thank You! the Chizuk and support we get from this GYE community is great!!! you keep me going moving forward.. you are all the best people i ever met....

Shivisi, sorry it took so long to respond. Sorry to hear about the fall. However those days are yours forever. The lesson you taught yourself - and all of us - that "it can be done" stays forever. When climbing a mountain, one has to cross ditches and pits in order to reach the summit. Falling and bruising our knees on the slope is not the same as falling off the mountain. I heard from a veteran psychologist that for some reason masturbation leaves us feeling dirty and worthless - more than any other sin. The yiush is palpable and powerful. We beat ourselves up. But it is imaginary. After over 200 days look back and celebrate! Drink a l'chaim as you continue (not start again) your journey. May Hashem give you the koach, seichel, patience, and love to keep inspiring all of us with your positivity.