Happy to see you are doing good.

Day #19

B"H I passed Day #18, and Today is Day #19, Porn-clean Day #78

Yes, I’m still clean, Today is number #19, I’m very grateful and thankful to Hashem for helping me to get at this stage.

I had yesterday a great and clean day, except I had a little glitch, first time in 78 days, I couldn’t resist not to look at a Heimish Jewish Lady, it took me a few seconds to get to myself, and look away, and I hope it won’t happen again.

Today is Friday again, my toughest day, I’m so afraid about it, but I’m starting to think that being afraid, and thinking about it, that alone might be the trigger, I don’t know, and whatever it is, I will survive.

Hashem, thank you, for helping me to survive, thanks to my best partner, and thank you all of you on GYE, I’m clean only because of you, it has nothing to do with me… I’m powerless, I wouldn’t be clean today without your help, I’m very happy that I’m part of this chevrah, without you, I wouldn’t be where I’m today.

Today is Day #19, and Today only, I really want to stay clean, and I will stay clean for the rest of my life, I realized that I’m Powerless, I can’t help myself by myself, I need upper power, assistance and guidance, the Today is not long at all, it’s a matter of just a few hours, I won’t mess up the few moments left in Today,  and Hashem, please stay on my 2 sides, please don't let me down, I want to stay clean, and help me, my partner, all GYE members and all Klal Yisroel stay clean.

Lets Stay Strong! Lets Stay Clean! Yes! We can! And Together!

Day #21 - 3 weeks clean!

B"H I passed Day #19 & #20, and Today is Day #21 3 weeks clean, wowowow, Porn-clean Day #80

Yes, I’m still clean, Today is number #21, 3 weeks, I’m very grateful and thankful to Hashem for helping me to get at this stage.

I had BH a nice shabbes, everything was wonderful, the tefilas, the food, except my struggle, it was murder, the streets are packed with triggers, i didnt looka at anything inappropriate, but its still very very hard, i never knew that the streets are so bad!!!
Friday afternoon was ok, but shabbes afternoon was terrible, i really wanted to act out, but i controlled my self, i didn’t had a fall, but it was very hard and tough, i cant wait on the day i wont have any struggle what so ever! One of my best dreams!!

i sew this shabbes in sefer אגרא דכלה that chazal learn tefila has to be with minyan from the pusik הבדלו מתוך העדה ,בגזירה שוה מתוך מתוך, so he says that this עדה was the most bad people from klal yisroel, and from this people we learn that דבר שבקדושה has to be with minyan, to learn us, that how bad we are, we are still holy as can be, ישראל אף על פי שחטא ישראל הם. So, even we are so low, we keep on falling, we are still really high, we are the highest of the highest, holiest of the holiest, dont underestimate your self, dont call your self all kind of names, we are not tume, we are not dirty, we are holy, and we are the highest, we are the עם הנבחר. lets do it together, together we will stay clean, and together we will go לקבל פני משיח צדקינו. CLEAN!!!

Hashem, thank you, for helping me to survive, thanks to my best partner, and thank you all of you on GYE, I’m clean only because of you, it has nothing to do with me… I’m powerless, I wouldn’t be clean today without your help, I’m very happy that I’m part of this chevrah, without you, I wouldn’t be where I’m today.

Today is Day #21, and Today only, I really want to stay clean, and I will stay clean for the rest of my life, I realized that I’m Powerless, I can’t help myself by myself, I need upper power, assistance and guidance, the Today is not long at all, it’s a matter of just a few hours, I won’t mess up the few moments left in Today,  and Hashem, please stay on my 2 sides, please don't let me down, I want to stay clean, and help me, my partner, all GYE members and all Klal Yisroel stay clean.

Lets Stay Strong! Lets Stay Clean! Yes! We can! And Together!

Day #22

B"H I passed Day #21, and Today is Day #22 &Porn-clean Day #81

Yes, I’m still clean, Today is number #22, I’m very grateful and thankful to Hashem for helping me to get at this stage.

I had a great day yesterday, I went out to the mountains with my packages, and it’s very nice up there, the problem is, when my wife is there and I’m alone, the struggle is much more bigger, (ill update on that later) on the way going and coming, passing Manhattan was a bit problematic, but I managed. I feel so great when I come home after such a commute and I’m still clean, and clean in my eyes means, clean of looking, clean of mind wandering, and clean of touching,

this week is Parshas Puru, קריאה מעורר הזמן, we can clean our self this week by reading and learning the parsha, let’s all stay clean, and positive, I love when people are happy and positive, when you thing positive and happy, you will get positive and happy, when you think negative, down and sad, you will get negative, down and sad, we have to be besimcha, even after a fall, because we are children from hashem even when we fall, and he is a t our sides even when we fall, so why not be besimcha even after falling, so let be positive and besimcha together!!! Bachdus……

Hashem, thank you, for helping me to survive, thanks to my best partner, and thank you all of you on GYE, I’m clean only because of you, it has nothing to do with me… I’m powerless, I wouldn’t be clean today without your help, I’m very happy that I’m part of this chevrah, without you, I wouldn’t be where I’m today.

Today is Day #22, and Today only, I really want to stay clean, and I will stay clean for the rest of my life, I realized that I’m Powerless, I can’t help myself by myself, I need upper power, assistance and guidance, the Today is not long at all, it’s a matter of just a few hours, I won’t mess up the few moments left in Today,  and Hashem, please stay on my 2 sides, please don't let me down, I want to stay clean, and help me, my partner, all GYE members and all Klal Yisroel stay clean.

Let’s Stay Strong! Let’s Stay Clean! And lets be positive and happy, Yes! We can! And Together!

Yes! Its my book of business, and every business has its loses. Here it goes!

Yes, its horrible to write, but i am writing you this to all of you, my good friends, i need to get some chizik now, im crying like a baby, im so crazy, i dont know what to do, im lost, i didn’t want to write, but i have to for my recovery, in order to start from fresh, i must give it out from myself, to someone who understand me.

Im embarrassed, im ashamed, i feel like a baby, which cant control him self, i acted out big time, i was thinking, that nothing will happen, but it took me to a diffrent direction, i did it for no good reason, im sooo foolish, i dont know what to do, and im starting from alef, from A. im soooooo embarrassed, im so asahmed, what should i do now, i was fighting with my self the entire day, but by the end i just couldn't control myself. The YH won big time, he has me in his pockets, how do i get my self out of this, im so degraded, im so down, what the hell is going on with me, why, why, im going true so much, its such a big struggle, im fighting and fighting, i dont know what will be the end with me, im so in the dumbs... why am i doing this? Whats going on with me? Im such a baby, such a fool, im soo down, what will be the end with me.

Im starting NOW again, im not going to let myself down, and i hope it wont happen again..

In last week torah portion "korach" it says וירדו חיים שאולה and we know that בני קורח לא מתו so the question is how so, weren't they in שאול תחתית? 
The answer is that מקום נתבצר להם בגהינום ועשו תשובה, and they got out of there (and they are counted to be shmuel hanovis grandparents)
so here it goes even if ur in שאול תחתית but if u have a מקום, u know where ur מקום is then u can have תחיית המתים.

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 27 Jun 2017 00:04:


 I wanted to share my shoulder for support 

youre taking many positive steps

YOUR TRUCK IN ON THE ROAD FORWARD!!

It will be ok!

i have what to say, ask me later.

Sorry about your fall. You are such a positive and energetic force on this forum so this fall is kind of a sucker punch for me and I'm sure others as well. 

your not alone you never were and you"ll never be 
remember the agra d'kalah 
cont. being a chizuk 

So sorry to hear S.H. 
Time to turn a new page with some modifications(from what you learned this time) to deter any future mishaps. 
Hatzlocho

Day #1

Thank you hashem for everything, for the good and for the bad “looking” I didn’t pass Day #21, and Today is Day #1 for the 3rd time, and im happy for that, im happy I have the courage to start again.

Yes, I’m starting again with Simcha, Today is number #1, I’m very grateful and thankful to Hashem sending me this tests, it will get me only stronger and happier, even though I was very sad and broke yesterday, but now I have from what to learn, which I didn’t had in the past, I learned from my last 2 falls, that it will get me only stronger, and I learned that the fault is not me, I personally want and can be good, and I learned that I can do it, and I learned that I cant do it alone, its impossible, only with the help of the our chevreh here at GYE and my partner, I’ll be able to control myself.

I would say, that I had mixed thoughts, should I start again to stay clean or not, yes, because after all this is my duty on this world, and yes, because after all it’s a great feeling being clean, but maybe no, I can’t handle it, it’s too much of a struggle, it’s too tough for me, I cant anymore, its much easier to look at porn, and to act out, but in the end I decided that I will continue again, so here I am, im back part of this heilige chabirah

I basically had a great day yesterday, except of my fall, which was horrible, till my fall I was great, and after my fall I kept on being great, (except of the sad part)

Hashem, thank you, for helping me to go with this fall through, for not getting depressed, and giving me the courage for swimming again, giving me the courage to keep my head high, for helping me to stay positive and Besimcha, thanks hashem for getting me closer to you, thanks for helping me now, so I can pass the test next time, and thanks for giving me the opportunity for the clean days I had In the past, it was a great experience.

thanks to my best partner, and thank you all of you on GYE, I’m was clean until now and will stay clean again only because of you, it has nothing to do with me… I’m powerless, im really powerless, its completely out of my hands,  I wouldn’t be clean today without your help, I’m very happy that I’m part of this chevrah, without you, I wouldn’t be where I’m today. Thank you all, for the great chizik and support, the support I get after a fall is not to be described, I feel very good about it.

Today is Day #1, and Today only, I really want to stay clean, and I will stay clean for the rest of my life, I realized that I’m Powerless, I can’t help myself by myself, I need upper power, assistance and guidance, the Today is not long at all, it’s a matter of just a few hours, I won’t mess up the few moments left in Today,  and Hashem, please stay on my 2 sides, please don't let me down, I want to stay clean, and help me, my partner, all GYE members and all Klal Yisroel stay clean.

Let’s Stay Strong! Let’s Stay Clean! And lets be positive and happy, Yes! We can! And Together!

"Today is Day #1, and Today only, I really want to stay clean, and I will stay clean for the rest of my life...."

I'm sorry, but I believe that is an inherent contradiction.

Additionally, I would suggest not to worry or think or write about the rest of your life.

cordnoy wrote on 27 Jun 2017 18:56:

you are 100% right, it takes time to learn the trade!
Thank You.

Sorry to hear about it. Remind me- do you do twelve steps or therapy?

Shivisi, sorry to hear about the fall. However your post brought out the real beauty of GYE. Look at the genuine care people have for each other's successes and falls. This is what we all missed so desperately. We suffered excruciatingly in silence. We felt like reshaim and losers. Now we realize we are all part of a warm loving family of genuinely good people who struggle together. I am a big fan of yours and have gained tremendously from your posts. You write so upbeat and inspiring. Iyh you are going to become a big leader in this place one day. For now, pick yourself up, ask Hashem for help to push far away the yiush, and move forward. If you can, prepare yourself a plan what to do if whatever triggered this happens again. Maybe call someone.........