Sorry to hear about your fall. As mentioned by bb you had an incredible accomplishment of 7 weeks. That is extraordinary and deserving of CELEBRATION. Secondly, your gevura is beyond belief. No sexual thoughts?!?! In 2017 with the street around us the horrible way it is. We should be asking you for brochos! It appears you acted out due to stress as opposed to lust. You have to find a Shabbos appropriate way of relieving stress. Or at least a way to distract yourself Shabbos afternoon. Shake off the dust and keep going. This time around you know you can do it for a sustained amount of time by focusing on one day at a time. Believe in yourself and ask Hashem for His help.

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 04 Jun 2017 14:10:


Shivisi_Hashem, to me it sounds like this battle was a new battle for you. It happened on Shabbos afternoon when you lay down, that has happened in the last, but this time it came without you bringing on the thoughts with fantasies and porn, etc. If that's the case, realize what else it means. The old battles that you had lost so many times, you finally won them. That's not to say you never have to fight those fights again, but you're definitely a lot stronger now than you were two months ago.

Look at it like a video game. Until now, you were stuck on level 1 (or 2, or 10, doesn't matter, I'm just using this number for an example). Every time that you got up to the end of the first level, you kept getting out and you have to start all over. But this time you skipped through a few levels after winning the first level. Now that you slipped, you have to restart and work on level 3, but that's much better than where your previous battle began - way back on level 1.

Good luck brother

My sponsor has more than 13 years clean now.
He related to me that very early on in his early sobriety he would wake up in the mornings with his hand around his eiver. This was not something he had control over or could stop just by thinking about, he had been in active addiction for many years.
So he wore trousers to bed for the first year or so until it had dissipated.
My point here is that after being a chronic masturbator for many years like according to your story you were, sometimes theres no reason at all why in a half awake state you will find yourself masturbating again. Whether its trousers or a sefer, understand that your body and mind is healing and this takes time.
You are taking the actions of sobriety with shmirat eynayim, dont let that slip for a second and you are going to be fine.

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 04 Jun 2017 16:59:

Yeh, telling me..

lionking wrote on 04 Jun 2017 17:01:

I got that before, but i have to be on top of it every second, i cant let this fight go, i think there is a problem of thinking to much about it, i call it THINKADIC, but i survived 7 weeks clean, 7 clean weeks ever, it was a huge achievement for me, even with much thinking, so ill continue that way, 

cordnoy wrote on 04 Jun 2017 17:24:

cordnoy "current streak 800 days" wowowowowowowowowowowowo what a pro, 800 x todays!!!! Im jealus, no falls? I will get ther too, you will see... im committed fully....

Hashem Help Me wrote on 04 Jun 2017 17:46:

Thanks for celebrating, it is a celebration, and as hours are passing, im crawling out from my fall, im starting to think and to see how good and brave i am, i did it until here, and i will succeed forward too...

i can definitely say, not looking on the street is a gevurah, and i didnt fall even once the last 7 weeks, i didnt look at any inappropriate thing, and thats why im so shattered, why this fall had happen, for no good reason, i wasnt stressful at all, as a matter of fact i was in the catskils for shabbes, and i was relaxed at most, i had a long vacation since shviois, i didnt work on friday...

i do pray, and i will continue hashem he should stay at my 2 sides, he personal, no maluchim, our nisyoines are like in mitsraim, the yeshiah has to come only through him self, לא על ידי מלאך ולא על ידי שליח אלאל הקדוש ברוך הוא בכבודו ובעצמו...

thank you for your support

bb0212 wrote on 04 Jun 2017 18:00:

BB, you made a tear fall on my cheek, on of the best support post in the last 12 hours, you really touched me, and you are so right, to the point, what a great push forward.

thanks a million, you made my day...

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 04 Jun 2017 19:45:

I'm talkin' to myself here:

II came here four years ago, was committed and promptly "did" over 100 days, then fell. That's ok, but I was told and I felt that I needed to do more. Why? Because I was still runnin' away. So over the next two years, I added therapy, phone conferences, meetings, sponsors, book readin', step workin' and more. I fell after 90, 150 and other times. Each time, I added somethin' else. Why? Because I was still runnin' away. 

I still lust nowadays, but I am not runnin', strugglin' and fightin'. 

(In the right/wrong set of circumstances, I still see myself fallin' in the future (and that would be loads of fun), but that thought doesn't bother me now.)

B'hatzlachah

Hi all GYE community,
First of all, i would like to thank you all, for your great chizzuk and support, dont estimate it, its huge, you have no idea how i felt last night and today in the morning, but later on i started to get toons of emails and private messages, beside the post here on the forum, people asked me if i want to talk to them over the phone, you have no idea how it reflected on me, im 75% relieved, i never tought that all this replies and emails has such an impact on someone who had a fall, i have a completely new vision on this, THANKS A MILLION ALL OF YOU, its really appreciated. 

Yesterday after the nefilah, i was thinking to myself, why coming out to the public and shaming myself, i was very hesitant, i couldnt daven mincha, i was all over the place, i was broke, but then i was thinking that i has to come out publicly, 1) because part of being clean is becuase GYE memebrs, so i have to share the bad shares same as the good ones, and 2) becuase the support and the chizzuk will be tremendous, so to all of you, in case of a fall, please be open, it can only be a healing, not the opposite. 

Second, i didnt know how much people are following my daily post, and how it affects them, thank you for giving me this opportunity to be someones support, im really thankful for that, and i wont let you disappointed, i will start tomorrow again as day #1...

Now today i neex to do my taphsic knas, a very hard one, 10 בלאט גמרא רשי תוספות בעיון, i have done 3 already, hope to be done by tomorrow night, and i hope it will be a שטיקל כפרה for what i have done...

and least but not last, i would like to Thank hashem, ברבים, thank you for taking me till here, im convinced that with out the help from hashem, i wouldn't be clean for 7 weeks, i have no doubts in that, and i think if i may say, that the fall was a ירידה לצורך עליה, i shouldn't get comfortable that im good to go, just the opposite, i should be very vigilant on my self, and also, when i see someone else has a fall, first i shouldn't look down on him, i should feel for him, i should feel his pain, i should pray for him, i should send him a supportive email, and i will.

THANK YOU השי"ת FOR GIVING ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE CLEAN FOR 7 WEEKS, AND TO GET MORE CLOSER TO YOU...... I PROMISE THAT I WONT LET YOU DOWN, I WILL CONTINUE FIGHTING FOR YOU..... AND PLEASE DONT LET ME DOWN AND ANYONE OF OUR COMMUNITY AND ANY FELLOW JEW.

שיויתי

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 04 Jun 2017 16:39:

קייפ אן טראקינג

י

Markz wrote on 05 Jun 2017 00:24:

Thank you markz, my first smile in the last 24 hours, you made it......

Day #1

B"H I passed 45 clean days, what a journey, and (not “but”) Today is #1.

I’m very happy, that today is number #1, I have a choice to look at it as a sad thing, I’m back at the beginning at Day #1, but I won’t do that, I’m looking at it as, YAH I’m on Day #1, I’m not going to let myself to fall on that, I fell enough, ( let’s not call it fall, it’s a uplift) now I’m accepting only the bright part of it, and I’m very happy I’m back on track, and I promise to prevail, yes, it’s my DAY #1. As someone wrote to me yesterday, that Hashem wants we should fall and get broke afterwards, but in his way, in his terms, not in the way the YH wants, the YH wants we should get broken forever, and to get lost with it, to get completely Meyiash, and play around in the mud of sadness, he loves that, but hashem want we should get broke in his way and his terms, which is, to be broken for just a few minutes only, to get the message not to do it again, just learn from the outcome, and take the lesson for the rest of the journey, and not to stay there, just in and out, take the lesson and run, I was wondering all day, why this fall happened to me, I didn’t do anything wrong the last 7 weeks, but now I know what happened, it was just part of the healing process, hashem is fully on my side, and he sent me this fall with a purpose, TO GROW, TO LEARN, and I will take this lesson along with me forever…

I had a clean yesterday! I feel now B”H great, I recovered from my fall, and now and forever, I won’t fool myself, I’m still an addict, and I need to be constantly fully aware of that. I’m still on top of the hill, one slip and booms, even after 7 clean weeks, and as someone told me he had a fall after 690 clean days, please I beg everyone, don’t fool yourself, this monster is behind you..

I would like to thank all of you, for the support and chizzuk I received in the last 24 hours was tremendous, its unbelievable how people came forward, I got so much emails, so many offers to talk to me, to guide me, I don’t know anyone of this people, ,מי כעמך ישראל I was amazed, Thank You Hashem for sending me this great message, ill learn from it, and ill take it along wherever I go, ant most of all, thanks for my great partner, my 7 clean weeks goes to him…

Im marching forward like a pro, lige a major general, not looking from behind, only forward,

today is #1, and today only, היום אם בקולו תשמעו, I will be on top of my soul, I'm not interested what happened in the past, and what it will happen in tomorrow or in 2 weeks, or 2 months... and the today is not that long, just a few hours, and Hashem, please stay on my 2 sides, please don't let me down, I want to stay clean, and help me and all Klal Yisroel stay clean.

Day #2

B"H I passed Day #1, and Today is Day #2.

I’m very happy, that today is number #2, hashem is fully on my side, I had a clean yesterday! No Porn, No bad thinking, no bad looking, and of course no bad doing, I feel B”H great, I won’t fool myself, I’m a full fledge addict, and I need to be constantly fully aware of that. I’m still on top of the hill, one slip and booms.

We see a good lessen this week, the Medrash says, Ahron Hakohen is lighting the Menorah אור מתוך חושך to show us, that “light is coming “”only”” from the darkness”, we see it again this Parshe from Miriam, She became a מצורע because she and Ahron were talking about Moshe, we know that Ahron is a אוהב שלום  so how come he was talking about moshe? To show us the same thing, that he became the known  אוהב שלום right out from the his problem, he spoke negative about moshe, he took a lesson, and became the אוהב שלום, then we see that the צרעת turned into שלג, so what we see is, that our “fall” is just to opposite, it’s the uplift, our fall is our Tiken…

Thank you Hashem for directing me to this great GYE community, Thank all of you, for the support and chizzuk I receive daily from all of you,מי כעמך ישראל, and most of all, thanks for my great partner, all my clean days and being abstinent of any sexual stuff goes to him…

Im marching like a pro, like a major general, not looking from behind, only forward, please join me all!!!

Today is #2, and Today only, היום אם בקולו תשמעו, I will be on top of my soul, I'm not interested what happened in the past, and what it will happen in tomorrow or in 2 weeks, or 2 months... and the today is not that long, just a few hours, and Hashem, please stay on my 2 sides, please don't let me down, I want to stay clean, and help me and all Klal Yisroel stay clean.

Day #3

B"H I passed Day #2, and Today is Day #3.

I’m very happy, that Today is number #3, hashem is fully on my side, I had a super clean yesterday! No Porn, No bad thinking, No bad looking, and of course No bad doing, I feel B”H great, I won’t fool myself, I’m a full fledge addict, and I need to be constantly fully aware of that. I’m still on top of the hill, one slip and booms.

We all must march like the best army in the world, and with the best weapon in the world, let’s keep our flag עם קדוש very high, and we will never surrender to our worse enemy LUST, he is a monster, and he won’t let us go till our last breath, but we are much more stronger then him, and we will prevail, every soldier gets a medal for every good move and elimination of the enemy, I promise you all, for every lust and acting urge elimination, a golden chair is being reserved, Im marching like a pro, like a major general, not looking from behind, only forward, please join me all!!!

We will win!

Thank you Hashem for directing me to this great GYE community, Thank all of you, for the support and chizzuk I receive daily from all of you,מי כעמך ישראל, and most of all, thanks for my great partner, all my clean days and being abstinent of any sexual stuff goes to him…

Today is #3, and Today only, היום אם בקולו תשמעו, I will be on top of my soul, I'm not interested what happened in the past, and what it will happen in tomorrow or in 2 weeks, or 2 months... and the Today is not that long, just a few hours, let’s not mess up the few moments left in Today and Hashem, please stay on my 2 sides, please don't let me down, I want to stay clean, and help me and all Klal Yisroel stay clean.