Day 18

Bh im still clean.

I'm wondering if anyone has any insight.. When im out, either driving or shopping, at what point does your mind learn that just because you saw a pretty girl the automatic response isn't "let me look again"? or does in never go away?

One of the reasons this time is different for me is because I am focused and working on avoiding triggers. Im try to teach myself not to get into the ballpark with my YH, because once I do, eventually I lose. Yet, when I pass a pretty girl all of the sudden I like almost automatically get the urge to look again and have to tell myself not to. Does that response ever go away?

I think that may be one of the hardest things.  When I'm doing well, I don't look.  But the fact that so many nisyonos pass right before us makes it very difficult.  It also has a lot to do with my emotional state at the time.  If I'm generally happy, I have an easier time not looking,  or at least not second-looking.  If my wife is upset with me, it's VERY difficult not to look.  I suppose it does get a bit easier over time, but I'm not sure it ever gets easy.

For me, I found that a red line I have to draw is not to fantasize afterwards.  That for me, is worse than the looking.  For me, fantasizing as poison, and will surely lead me to act out.

gibbor120 wrote on 06 Jan 2017 16:10:

True.
I don't think the desire to look again ever fizzles out. Just have to work on that muscle, like you said.
If the wife is upset, yeah it's much easier to say "to hell with it all!" but as Dov says, if you've hit YOUR rock bottom, doing it for YOURSELF, then EVEN your wife's attitude won't deter you. That's the real li'shmah level

Day 22

Just hit 3 week clean bh. 

​Part of me in nervous. The longer I go clean and the more cognizant I am about the fact that I am clean the more nervous I am about falling. What if I fall.. will I be able to get back up? Its a little nerve racking 

Im with you with this feeling, recently hit 30 days myself and when i get urges, which were strong this week, i get nervous about "wasting" how far I have come. But based on advice and other forums Ive read here i think differently about it. Ya, hopefully i dont fall but if i do it doesnt mean my efforts were wasted. It would be hard to get back into it but the fact strength I showed by making it this far has changed me and I know i would be able to do it again. whether i fall or not we both have made great personal accomplishments and even after a fall we have to look at it as part of he process and keep it going. Please stay strong and keep us posted, youve accomplished a great thing no matter what and I support your efforts 100%

Relax.  Stressing about it just makes it worse.  Do your best today, and don't worry too much. 

Yesterday I had a close call.

Really didn't want to post about it but I said I would. I was on a website where you could watch sports games for free online. Sometimes on the side they have this chat room going. Anyways someones picture under there name looked inappropriate. I saw it out of the corner of my eye. Almost automatically i looked again. In the back of my head I knew I shouldn't have but I wasn't fully on guard and therefore wasn't able to control myself. Happens to be the picture was very small and in my glance at it i wasn't able to even make out if it was inappropriate or just made to look inappropriate. (Don't want to go into too much detail) I'm not counting it as a fall because I'm not sure if it was inappropriate and I also gained control within a few seconds and looked away but it was a close call. It reminded me that I need to be on call and careful at every moment especially when I am on the computer.

You keep talking about close calls

With cordnoy? Dov?

This is just great work my friend
Even though you went to look a second time that was a pure reaction to many years of incorrect programming.
Not only did you realize and understand it immediately, you saw it for what it was and was able to completely recover from it, understanding what had happened and how it happened.
While it might have been a close call, not only was it far from a GYE slip it was a small victory.
Chazak!

KOCC!!

oh no wait don't

unless you're Close Calling Dov. Or Markz. Cordnoy too

I'm back. I havent been on the site in a while.. need to start coming back here daily. I had a fall..or a few falls in the past few weeks. I have a lot going on and I am not good at handling stress. I've trained myself to turn to p**n when i'm stressed out. I'm not sure how to untrain myself. 
I hope I can get on a good streak and maybe gain some momentum but I know that until I learn to deal with stress in a healthy manner I will always be at high risk of falling. 

Any suggestions?

I'm sorry to hear. 
It's great to hear you know what your problem is and it sounds like you know what you need to do. Instead of untraining yourself, train yourself to relieve stress in another way. For me, i know it helps me to work out, and talk to people about my stress,

Welcome back friend.

chizukconstant wrote on 28 Feb 2017 18:38:

Fantastic step for coming back! We're here for you. Please keep posting. Keep us updated. And if the forum really isn't working for you, well ask Dov what he has to say on that topic.

Why do you censor out that word? gevalt, even the word may make you fall? I hope not. I also hope it's not a sign of misguided chumras. Why I'd say "porn" all day and never watch it again, if that were a choice granted to me.

Thanks for the support. 
I don't know why I censored out that word. Probably because typing it makes my embarrassment more real to me. Its hard for me to admit that this is a problem for me even though I know it is and it has been for a long time. I wish I could be like other people that don't seem to struggle with porn. And even those that do seem to have it under control. Yet, me I'm weak. 
Yes it is true that every time I fall I end up picking myself up at some point and try again. But is that because I want to change or just because I feel so low and despicable in my eyes that I am left with no choice?
I know I want to change. Or at least I know I need to. At some point I will get caught and my life will be destroyed. But can I really imagine never looking at a naked girl again? Do I really want to give up that thrill of looking at porn?
Yes, I understand that the pain afterwards is way worse than the joy. But in some way it still seems worth it. Perhaps that is my issue. Maybe I don't want to really succeed enough to actually win this battle.

Confused..