Starting 90 Days today. 

Really don't want to.. I'd much rather just stop.. but that doesn't seem to be happening. 
Been trying to long.. its time to try something new. So here we go.

Sometimes I just can't believe it has come to this..

Welcome

Maybe do like I did. Focus on today - does it mean some sort of railings so you don't fall, or look for like minded addicts shoulder's for support

Then every now and then update the chart

Keep on Trucking!!!

chizukconstant wrote on 20 Dec 2016 17:43:

Welcome!

Being honest and Doing something to help it, is the best recipe to sobriety.

chizukconstant wrote on 20 Dec 2016 17:43:

Hatzlocha on the journey ahead. It's a good one!

You really don't want to. You'd much rather just stop... stop what? acting out? So stop! Oh, forever, maybe? Well, I can't get to forever. But I can see three months ahead of me a little clearer. Maybe you could extrapolate to forever. If you dare. But three months is a good start.
So congratulations! You have stopped!
So why don't you want to again?

Still clean b"h.
I think perhaps the most difficult part of going clean is remembering why I want to be clean when I am under attack. All of the sudden all the reasons don't seem as important. 
I also find that while the gratification of acting out is immediate the rewards for restraining are in the future.. That makes it difficult as well.

@singularity - What I mean is I wish it was easy to stop.. I wish it was just a simple decision and that would be all. But apparently, with me at least, I need to do more.

chizukconstant wrote on 21 Dec 2016 14:45:

This was reason of my falls even when i was on the 90 day chart (helped for a few days),

Then i found the TaPHSiC Method, that is tailor-made for this problem, check it out!

chizukconstant wrote on 21 Dec 2016 14:45:

One idea is to stay out of the boxing ring. When lust hits, logic will not prevail. But we can minimize lust hits, by staying far away from whatever triggers us. As the GYE handbook says: The more you feed it, the more you need it. (And conversely, the less you feed it, the less you need it.)

Hatzlacha

Day 3
Now that i'm paying attention and trying to avoid any triggers I notice how many times throughout the day, without thinking about it, I did stuff that would ultimately lead to a fall. A few extra minutes here browsing the internet, even if the site is completely clean can and will ultimately lead to something else until all of the sudden there is that urge.. At that point the battle is practically lost already.

So I have to be on guard all day, everyday..

One day at a time

chizukconstant wrote on 22 Dec 2016 15:43:

Thats it!

I try to browse all posts on GYE in my spare time as that keeps me off surfing on the World Wide Web, and getting to places i wouldn want (and getting triggered in to places that are really bad).

Keep up and keep us posed

chizukconstant wrote on 22 Dec 2016 15:43:

While it is important to do what you're doing (my sponsor calls it "respecting the disease") it is also important to develop behaviors/actions/ways of living that are productive. In SA we call merely holding back "white-knuckling" because we always have clenched fists from fighting all day. I tried it and it didn't last nor did I feel good. Every day was so stressful. What are some activities that you think could improve your quality of life?

Welcome! I'm not sure that trying to "last" 90 days is really "trying something new".  Have you checked out the handbook?  What tools do you think you can use?  What have you tried? What has worked/not worked?  Stick around.  Keep posting.  Tell us more about your struggles.

chizukconstant wrote on 20 Dec 2016 17:43:

Boy can I relate to that feeling, I sometimes think to myself "oh, what the heck, why can't I just be like all normal people out there, why can't I just not slip, why am I triggered by stuff that other people don't seem to even realize?", but then I remind myself that it was God who gave me the disease and He for some reason understands that this is best for me.

chizukconstant wrote on 21 Dec 2016 14:45:


This is the disease lying to us with truth, it makes us remember the instant pleasure while not letting us remember the pain that comes afterwards, even though the pain is way more powerful and lasts way longer....

KOT brother! Don't give up, no matter what happens, God still loves you (talking to myself now).

Day 4

Thank you eveyone for the chizuk, avice and what to think about.

Bh I am still clean. I find it amazing how if I change when I've been clean even if its for only a few days. I feel more confident and find myself being able to look people in the eyes. It feels good. Then again, I know the risk this comes with.. confidence can backfire. It's realizing that even if I feel good I am still powerless to fight this battle. Only handing the battle over to hashem, asking for his help when I feel tht craving surfacing helps. I myself cannot win this fight, he can. 

@gibbor120 I have tried every filter in the book, very few work at all I find. I know loopholes in almost everyone. Bh my phone is actually blocked successfully. My computer is blocked pretty well with webchaver but its not foolproof. Hence, I am going for 90 days. Its says on GYE that a physical change happens at 90 day. I understand its not going to take the struggle away but perhaps it will get easier afterwards. 

@shlomo24 I agree 100%. "white knuckling" does not work for any stretch of time. Instead I am trying to fight from a different angle. Giving the battle over to hashem, davening for his help, updating my chart daily, and posting here.

@YidFromMonsey Its nice to see that you understand my struggle. I agree that the YH is lying about the pleasure and purposely making us forget the pain we feel afterwards. That being said, from personal experience I didnt find that thinking of the pain I'd feel worked as a deterrent. Not sure why

@Keep
@On
@Trucking

chizukconstant wrote on 23 Dec 2016 15:36:

Totally agree with that, I don't think logic works for anyone once under attack, our job is to do whatever we can not to get attacked.