LifneiHashem wrote on 26 Jun 2017 01:35:

Hi LifneiHashem,
please remember 2 things:
1) TODAY, when you work on yourself only for today, not looking at the past, and not looking forward, just TODAY only, that you dont want to mess up your today, which you started clean, then it will push you forward for the entire TODAY, when you have this lusty moment, just stop for a minute and think, "why should i mess with my TODAY"? Its not worthed to mess it up.
2) your nick says it all, LifneiHashem, remember hashem is there for you every second, anything good and bad you have in your life is from him, even this lusty moment, and he is standing in front of you, and he is willing to help you not to fall,  so that might help you getting back with your will power, and remember a 1 slip brings another slip, so watch out, 

"why look backwards when it looks depressing...why look forward when it looks impossible..."
quote-Shivisi

LifneiHashem wrote on 29 Jun 2017 15:32:

More importantly "why look inwards"

why look inwardsif I have no clue what I'm looking for or looking at or how to deal with?

Ill leave it to you to figure out the answer

Its simpler to look outwards ;-)

Markz wrote on 29 Jun 2017 15:56:

Gotta figure out the question before working on the answer. What are you talking about?

i like this post!

I relate to everything you said. I started out with this because I wanted to feel strong, in control, in a word, like a man and not a child. (The hidden meaning behind all these descriptions is the desire to "feel good about oneself". ) 

​Soon however my motivation shifted. Life was so tough even being clean. I didn't feel strong, I didn't feel in control and I didn't feel like a man. I was easily irritated, I was anxious and I found it hard to get things done. It turned out that not acting out didn't solve my problems. 

Life was out of control with not acting out. So, I started slipping because life was so painful. I needed the escape. The only thing that was stopping me now was that it was a sin, and that wasn't enough, so I fell. 

It was then I realized acting out wasn't my problem. 

Wanting to stay clean was my issue. Wanting to be able to look in the mirrorwas my problem. 

A strong desire to be complete/whole, otherwise known as perfect, starting with fixing my most glaring flaw (acting out), can be debilitating.

Without the recognition that all humans are imperfect, and the compassion for ourselves and others that follows this realization, it's difficult to grow, and in fact even live in this world without much constant pain. 

The solution is to accept the basic fact that to be human is to make mistakes. (We tell ourselves we make worse mistakes than others but that must be foolish talk. Firstly, how can one truly know the going ons of others, and secondly, it truly does seem that most people fail in the area which is most difficult for their personality, only achieving true success with much labor.) 

I would say it's totally fine you slipped. Congratulations, now you know you're not an alien. You're human. It's the height of hubris and arrogance to be sad when you slip/fall. (your mistakes and internal struggles are not tougher than anyone elses.) It's not noble to demand perfection from oneself, it's arrogant. You want to feel good about yourself, which is a mistake. You already are great. We all have good and bad things about us. When you overcome this challenge, trust me, you will still have other issues to deal with. 

Have a little compassion for yourself and cut some slack for others as well, we are all just doing the best we can, making mistakes at every turn. 

Peace 

P.S I may have used the word "you". I don't mean you in particular. It's's the plural (general you). I don't know much, but when I read your post I felt I could have written that a short while ago, so I thought I might have something to share. Best of luck! 

Thanks for your comments. Truthfully, I was just feeling so low that day and once I felt better the next day I reread my post and definitely doesn't describe my real feelings. 
One of the first chizuk emails I read after signing up for gye had such a simple yet powerful insight that I contstantly need to reiterate to myself: Thoughts are fleeting. I remember those early days lust attacks & my first reaction was that it's all over & there's no way I'm going to get past this. There's no way I'm going to live with this feeling forever. Somehow I pulled through and lo and behold the feeling slipped away just as easily as it came. Fortunately after several months of guarding my eyes the lust attacks became much less because as time goes by the images flashing through my mind became weaker). Of course there are always other triggers like boredom, stress, loss of motivation etc. 
Now at this stage in the game I once again need to remind myself that thoughts are fleeting. Yes I felt like garbage on Sunday and to the point of having zero motivation and in danger of falling. And the reason those thoughts were so powerful was because it feels like that is the new reality, like I will always feel that way. But thoughts are fleeting! The next day I was fine, recommitted to being successful and motivated to make it happen. 

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 26 Jun 2017 13:10:

Shivisi and Lifnei, are the two of you related?

Just another litvak & chussid brought together through gye. 

Unfortunately very serious slips happening. The progression is so obvious and predictable: 2 weeks ago was super stressful and rewarded myself with "chill time" AKA YouTube clips of Hollywood movies etc. last week less stress but already ensnared by pop culture so continued to surf. This week bored of that stuff & surfing other stuff, stopping short of actual porn which would require me to restart my count. I'm having such trouble recapturing my momentum. I'm so close to a year yet once again feel like back to square one with no progress. 

It doesn't have to be a progression. Today is a new day. Amount of days isn't everything.

Maybe take your focus away from trying not to act out and put it into positive things which will put your attention elsewhere.

I think it's also important to realize there is nothing lust has to offer you in terms of real happiness. You are not depriving yourself when refraining. The only way it feels like deprivation is if you hold onto the fantasy that it has real value. 

If any of this is useful, great. If not, you know what to do

You can do it! You are worth it!

Thanks for responding. Its an amazing thing to be able to post & receive feedback/ chizuk. 
Yes today is a new day but there's no denying a clear progression which needs to be rectified. When I first started a year ago i  stopped watching anything secular or even listening to the radio. I was petrified to even touch my iPad when alone,
and didn't. Unfortunately that has eroded starting a few months ago and its progressed to this point. 
Realizing there's no real value is a nice philosophical thought, which can definitely help strengthen ones resolve to make proper gedarim, but does little to help once those walls have eroded and I'm back on the front lines facing lust attacks caused by my own breach of guarding my eyes. 
Yes amount of days isn't everything, but it sure means a lot to me. Just a short 300 days ago I couldn't imagine the possibility of P&M plus pop culture not being a major part of my daily existence and life. For a good part of this year it was behind me, a nightmare that I had awoken from. Even now that I've let myself be pulled back into the trenches I can't go all the way back to square one, which losing my count would equate to. At this point all I have left is my count.

Perhaps I can relate, as I'm only a little ahead of you days wise and pop culture and YouTube clips and movie clips were my biggest struggle.

I love for this with the disclaimer that I'm sure I could easily be in the same spot as you any day, and I'm just commenting because I am not at this moment.

Thebprogression always got worse for me because I really wanted to see it but was also trying to stop. I was at a point of full honesty with my wife and she would see my internet reports and know if I was starting to slip. I got tired of saying I was slipping, got tired of being out of control and watching the predictable happen. 

So I decided that I would make life a little easier by strengthening my filter (which can also be counterproductive, depends on a lot), stopping to watch YouTube, and no more movie trailers. 

There's almost no filter that could block the trailers on my phone, and I can still access it, but I just don't. 

It's about coming to a place of realizing that you have to give up all this movie pop culture stuff. I was at a place where of course I didn't want to act out, but I was still dying to see all this stuff.

I realize that it wasn't possible to do both. Now my challenges to realize that I can't be looking everywhere in the street, but in the meantime it sounds like your battle is realizing that maybe you have to give up the stuff

Definitly feel what you're going through.

Yes I agree with everything you said and I know that it all has to go. Until this past May that's how it's been- zero secular culture, and just like you my struggle was more or less confined to controlling what I see in the streets. (It's amazing how similar peoples experiences are.) 
i can even pinpoint the start of this whole downturn progression to a single moment, and I even wrote about it on this thread a page ago ( I just didn't realize at the time how much it would affect the course of my life). In may I was traveling and while in a store saw a big display for a movie from a big franchise that was just released onDVD. I had loved this stupid franchise and after a few days of going back and forth I watched the movie. I have to say that while there's no such thing as a "kosher movie", this movie really was 0% triggering and caused no lust problems. However what it did do was serve to pull be back into that world- once again interested in what was going on in pop culture and within that movie franchise. & it may have taken several months but here I am, pulled back down all because of that one event. And that stupid movie was great! 

Was it a Marvel type movie? That was always my first step back in; One of these Marvel action adventure films that are great for escaping reality