Hi all, 
I have been reading a lot of forums and found them to be at times a source of chizuk, as well as upsetting, at times.
Like so many others here, my struggles with P&M started in my early teens and continued until now. I assumed it would stop by itself when I got married, but here I am 10 years later and obviously that didn't happen. We didn't have internet for several years, so the while always an issue, it wasn't encroaching on my life on a regular basis. 
About 3 years ago we got internet. It was a relatively slow progression, but at some point it became a nightly pasttime, causing a lot of wasted time and not enough sleep. This lead to missing minyanim on a pretty regular basis. The nightly watching was not exclusively x rated. I also started watching a lot of streaming TV. (I grew up on TV but moved more to the "right" in my late teens and "officially" stopped watching TV. However, over all the years I always kept an ear open to what was going on in pop culture.)
I tried stopping a few times over the years, but never with any success. At some point I realized this is a real issue and I can't just stop on my own. It was beginning to take ovr my life, and I was no longer really connecting to my family, that I could be in the room with them,at the shabbos table, but not really there. This past Rosh chodesh Elul I decided to stop for good and signed up on GYE a few days later.
BH now I'm at day 77, which I'm sure is my longest ever. GYE taught me that if I want to stop acting out, first I actually have to guard my eyes. I know this is really obvious, but for the longest time I felt that the acting out could be an isolated issue, and there was no need to stop looking at whatever crossed my path, and of course my favorite tv shows. I learned from previous posters the importance of avoiding triggers and the slippery slope.
Things have been going pretty smoothly, & I can honestly say I that for most of the past 2 1/2 months I had minimal desire to act out. I was tempted to believe that I was "cured", but after reading so many other people's experiences, I knew not to be fooled and i needed to keep my up my gaurd.
The reason I'm finally posting now is because today I am really, really struggling, and could really use some chizuk!  

Great going and great job for writing out your thoughts (maybe there's some deeper ones you haven't accessed yet, ask cord' he can help you traverse deeper waters)

Have you had the time yet to read the handbook or / and some Dov quotes

Thanks, I did have some interaction with cords, and he pointed me to some threads which were very informative. I started the handbook but had a technical issue- it's most practical to read on my phone, but every time I close and reopen it, it loses the place. I'm sure that's the laziness & procrastination talking...

Of course, makes perfect sense, once the high of not constantly acting out starts evaporating, we're back to the other high....

You haven't shared  enough for us to know if you're addicted and or how strong your addiction is but from what you did share it does sound like the common story....

Keep trucking brother, you came  to the right place, look around and start using the tools this place offers . ....

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your experience with us. Don't let today get you down. You did the right thing by reaching out.

serenity wrote:

Thank you. When in the throws of an attack one of the hardest things is the thought that these feelings are here to stay, and even if I overcome today, it will be back just as strong or stronger tomorrow, so might as well give in now. This is untrue of course. Yesterday was a tough day but BH I didn't fall and today was better. 

LifneiHashem wrote on 22 Nov 2016 04:01:

Nice job!

Day 82! 
Today I've been having feelings which I read about here but hadn't experienced before: I miss pornography. I miss relaxing on the couch, seeing what's new from my favorite performers, etc. I know intellectually that as soon as I've acted out the despondency and disgust will kick in, but on an emotional level those things don't click right now. any suggestions?
On another note, since my conviction has gotten a little shaky recently, I was thinking about opening up to a close friend of mine so I could have a real person to talk to (SA meetings are not on the table at this point.) However, this person is not struggling as far as I know, so perhaps he wouldn't be able to relate. Any thoughts on this?  

Me thinks it's a great idea
KOT!



    KEEP
      ON
TRUCKING

How exciting! you're almost there! Don't let your guard down now!

Singularity wrote on 29 Nov 2016 08:51:

I am deliberately nitpicking your words. Please don't take it personally, I'm just trying to bring out a point. You mention that strange word "there." Where is "there?" 90 days?

 Hello shoulders
and welcome to the club 
I'm going to knit pick as well 
Think about what you wrote
"I miss relaxing-whats new from my favorite performers"
if your post relaxation involves 
Guilt
Shame
Depression Etc etc.
than maybe what your doing isn't actually relaxing
And as far as the performers go 
i promise you that they don't give a damn about you so maybe it's time you feel the same way about them
Just the opposite,look at what they've done to you/us and everybody else that's on GYE and many many more that are still stuck in the mud and don't even realize it yet. these "performers"are ruining them and almost succeeded in ruining many of us.
if I would tell you to keep up on the latest developments in cannibalism or anything else that disgusts you what would you tell me? you have to think of porn and especially"your actors" the same way 
Hatzluche rabba

Meier wrote on 29 Nov 2016 14:28:

II never liked this argument about the performers that they don't care about us/you.

Meier wrote:

Thanks for your thoughts and caring. Although what you say is true, it applies only on an intellectual level. Of course if I was thinking logically it would be a no-brainer and I would never fall (or do anything else that I know is wrong.) 
Do you find that the advice you provided ever kept you from falling?
Last night I came very close to falling. All the thoughts of how disgusting I would feel after weren't helping. The fact that I was at 85 days wasn't helping. The only thing that helped was the very "sobering" post I read on another forum about the fellow so out of control that he was with a prostitute and was afraid he had an STD. This snapped me back into reality and allowed my intellect to take over and remind me of all the guilt, disgust etc which you mentioned. 

And yes, if cannibalism was a turn on I would certainly keep up on the latest developments.