b'H that is day 52
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!!
I have a lot that I want to talk about. been having some tough days, but b'H have gotten through them sober Thank GOD!
Thank you markz. I am getting better slowly, just went to see a doc today. and he gave me something for it so that should clear up a bit faster.
Hashem has really been cranking up the pressure in terms of school work, being so far behind because of yom tov, and having lot's of exams and papers due. (all in addition to being sick) Today, it was raining and I did not have any rain gear. (yay!) Anyhoo, as the day went on at about 10 o'clock I just started laughing at how rediculus it was getting (who doesn't have time to see a doctor to get better?) and I realized that maybe He wants me to realize that my life is not in my control. So I surrendered to Him and said, "Hashem, It seems to me that you are testing me in this way, to see if I'll cave from the pressure and fall back in, and to see if I can accept that you control every aspect of my life
even* outside of my addiction."
that's it. it wasn't magic, instant, or anything. But from there is slowly started resolving one issue at a time. I still have a lot on my plate but it is so much more manageable now than it was just a couple of hours ago. Funny how that is.
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For example, I met with a lot of other jewish students during a chabad event on campus and realized that I am not the only one who is behind and that we are in this together (taking off yom tov to do what Hashem wants). There was a girl there having a nervous breakdown towards the end that she had just had a very challenging midterm exam. I felt really bad for her and realized that It could be so much worse the situation that I am in in terms of workload.
Another example, an exam that I took over chol hamoed that was really tough (lot's of mental gymnastics) and the average was 9.7/33. I had thought I had gotten a 10 on it which is not great to say the least. but today I looked at the numbers again and realized that I actually got a 14.5 which is pretty good. (the high score was a 22 in case anyone was wondering so 14.5 is pretty good on the curve). Wow. I can't believe that I didn't see those numbers before correctly. Well, you can imagine that that took a bit of the pressure off for that class realizing that I wasn't as far behind as I thought. thank God!
Well that is that. I learned an important lesson and will b'H tomorrow keep at it. One day at a time!
Keep on the trucking!!
*I know, crazy thought...