Well here I am. 

I thought I could do it on my own. Definitely can't. That's how being an addict is. Although this is in the 90 day journey section. I am not going for 90 days. Just 1 day. Today. From now till 7:08pm tomorrow. Then we'll see from there.

I was exposed to this filth as a youngster, completely out of no where. I was playing a gameboy and one of my classmates had a psp with unfiltered internet access and he shoved it in my face. The internet in my house was not filtered (parents in denial, yada yada...). b'h I have not watched that much shmutz but my imagination is a real problem, not to mention the triggers abound in the goyish college/public transportation that I go to. The rest is history. But since finding gye about 2 yrs ago I hope to change that. 

So why am I starting a thread if I have been doing this for two years? Obviously, because I have been failing at this for not just the past two years (where I have made some very big gains) but also for the last ten years. I am now 23 and in the parsha, but I am not stupid to think that getting married will solve my problems. it will probably make them worse. What I need is advice and support from this amazing community to help me get through this. 

Thanks

Yada Yada, I'm with you brother!

Yeah marriage can only make it worse and be worse too

Did you see yesterday's gye chizuk email?

Thank you Markz. 

Yes I did. It is exactly what I have been thinking. About fifteen minutes after posting the initial post on this thread I read through some of the handbook and that Idea was the one that struck me the most. That it is impossible to win this by myself, and that I need to give the struggle over to Hashem. Additionally, the last sentiment that us addicts should thank Hashem for giving us this opportunity to connect to him in such a deep way is very profound. 

Truly admitting that I am an addict (which I did to myself out-loud, and here as well, last night) has been very liberating. It makes accepting myself a bit easier. We shall see with time. 

Well, 11 hours to go.  

I have a date scheduled Sep. 19th and I have the following concerns, some of which are for marriage/dating in general. I'm sure everyone has heard of these, but I could use some guidance:

• Since being an addict is an illness as well as potentially devastating to a spouse, is there an obligation to tell her about it? (much in the same way as telling someone about diabetes etc...). IF so then at what point does someone say. I think that because this issue is taboo nearly everywhere, That she won't take it at the same level as if someone said they have diabetes/a heart condition.?
• What are some important things to keep in mind on a date. Some indicators to make sure that I am looking at this from a sober perspective and not from a lusting one?

not that it matters too much, but my longest streak was 167 days. It doesn't matter because amassing days isn't the goal. its about staying inspired and giving it over to Hashem, and trying to fix ourselves to be a little more healthy and normal. 

My previous dating experience has been with one person. I thought it was going well from a sober perspective. (note- I started the dating with at least 60 days clean, something that I won't have this time) I was viewing her as a person and not as an object. However, when it didn't work out, after a two month period of dating, I was a bit of an emotional train wreck for a week. It didn't help that the shiur I was in was talking on the topics of yichud and chuppas niddah in a more than graphic fashion. (well maybe just graphic for someone with my addition). Between the two I have had a couple of falls. Today, B'H, I am back on my feet. For today of course. 

One day at a time...

Welcome!  Rabbi Twerski writes about it.  Here is a link to some of his writing: http://www.guardureyes.com/gue/rtwerski/rtwerskimain.asp .

Check out these 2 in particular:
http://www.guardureyes.com/gue/rtwerski/startDating.asp
http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/RTwerski/Dating.asp

As far as what to tell and when to tell, I would use caution and get some direction from someone that knows you.  It's a delicate topic and requires some sensitivity to deal with it.

I will just say that my wife caught me after 12 years of marriage.  The fact that I hid it from her for so long made it extremely painful for both of us.  It may be hard to share up front, but it will save you that pain down the road. Unless of course you manage to recover on your own and she never finds out.  A tricky proposition IMHO.

That's day 3! Yay! Today was especially challenging. The first day was like a freebie from Hashem, but today was different. B"H I made it through. 

Thank you gibbor120 for the links (I'm amazed at how fast you dug the links up). I hope to read them over the weekend and get back to you with my thoughts/questions. 

I was unable to post last night because I got home past 12 the night before. [No doubt the lack of sleep made today as difficult as it was.] The main thing I kept telling myself besides for 1) surrender and give it over to Him, 2) trying not to objectify women (this one requires being clean for a while I suspect from past experience), that even though I feel down because of the difficulty of my classwork this semester. (I am doing very heavy engineering courses) I will try to deal with my problems in a real way and not try to fill it in like I have been doing for many years (more on that in a later post when I have more time and can think it out). I also started getting back to working out which was something stable that I think was very helpful for a variety of reasons.

One day at a time, that is all. Read a bunch of really great chizuks today, (i have them all in a folder in gmail so I can find them easily). I very much liked the one with the guy with the twenty dollar bill, that people wanted after he crushed, stamped, and ruined it; because the value of the money remained no matter the condition of the bill. I thought, wow! That's each of us. We can't even fathom our true worth and value to Hashem. May we be zoche to appreciate what it means to be a human being created in the image of Hashem.

Thank you gye for everything that you have done and continue to do for me, Thank you to everyone here in the community for your support. It really makes a difference.

Have a great shabbos and looking forward to day 4.

Day 5!

Thank you again gibbor120, I read the articles that you suggested. They were outstanding, and have really given me a lot to chew on. I have a few people/rebbeim who know me very well (aside from this aspect, although one does know a bit since we both have this issue. I believe that I have it worse and I think he was more in the "normal" category of just teenagedom who is now happily married) I am considering who to talk to out of them. I am also considering going to a therapist to see how I am doing and if getting married now something I can do safely (similar to articles though I do want to talk to a rebbe first) or if I need more time (it won't affect the date for friday either way. The best one to talk to who knows me, and who I would feel the most comfortable talking to lives in israel and is contactable through email/phone. I think phone is better, although in person is the best. I'll have to see when he would be in the states next. Either way something will have to be done in the next month or so. We'll see how the date goes this friday b'H. 

The fall that led to this push led me to an ultimatum. I told myself, tearfully, that if I don't fix this issue I will destroy my future wife, kids, family, and in fact my life. It hit me very hard. harder than any other fall that I have had. I think that the reality and far reaching consequences of this issue struck me so because of the realization that I b'H will get married soon and it's the END from there if I don't do something. For the first time (the 167 day streak was partially this as well) I complety surrendered to Hashem. I felt totally, helpless, Like my brothers baby (2 months old) when he cries for something. That is how I felt. I knew that I didn't deserve any of Hashem's help, but I am his child and I begged Him to help me. The helplessness was very unsettling, but b'H I have made it these past 5 days with amazing hatzlacha (I know that Hashem gives at the begginging for free and then he takes off the training wheels and let's you go a bit. That's how we grow). I am preparing myself for when that happens. I don't want to fall again. In these past FIVE days my davening has gotten a lot more real. I feel Hashem's presence a lot more.

I am hesistant to say that I hit rock bottom, because the whole thing is really not in my control. That does not mean that i don't do my part and just let Hashem run the show. I try the best that I can, but success is ultimately up to him. The funny, thing is this attitude really applies to everything in life. I do my work and if I make a parnassa at the end of the day is up to Hashem. (etc...)

Thank you all once again for hearing me out. Looking forward to another sober day!!! :D

Reb TC,
​B"H you are smart and are working on these challenges before they have a chance to strain your marriage.
You are lucky to have Gibbor help you. He has been and continues to be a great inspiration to me.
I just want you to know that I have never experienced sharper pain than that of seeing my wife suffer when she caught me and it shook her to the core. The hard ground she thought she stood upon turned to quicksand.
Although we got through the immediate crisis, every now and then when I do something that is suspicious, even if I did nothing wrong like stay too late at work, it causes her so much pain, I call my bad past the gift that keeps on giving because I am inflicting pain on my wife forever because I smashed the concrete foundation that she thought she had.
When you love someone, it is excruciating to know that you are the source of their intense sharp pain.
I will have to live with what I caused her forever.
May HKB"H provide you with a true healing and may you be zoiche to build a beautiful Jewish home with purity, addiction free.

Hi pischoshelmachat!
I went through exactly the same situation, but it wont continue this way forever. My dear friend, with much tefillos & patience you will be zocheh to a Pischo shel ulom!!! You can restore your wifes trust in you iy"h, NEVER GIVE UP!!!

Thank you pischoshelmachat & pischoshelmachat for the reality check and the CHIZUK. I needed it.

The high that I have been on began to fade a bit today. Many aspects of it remain (feeling a sense of fullness [as opposed to a void], happiness, productivity, kavana in davening, and some open miracles in the shmiras eynayim dept.)

Although the initial hatzlacha is fading a bit, I kinda saw it coming and have been preparing for it. Each morning I surrender to Hashem, and daven JUST FOR TODAY. what happens tomorrow doesn't matter, Hashem will take care of it when it comes. 

I would like to post more regularly, but my schedule is a little hectic with school and some other things. SO today is 8!!! B'H. One day at a time....

couple of shmiras eynayim stories that happened to me over the past days:

day 6: I was waiting for the subway to come, but it was delayed about 20 minutes (something about a person jumping onto the tracks.) Obviously there were immodest women afoot, so I was listening to some simcha leiner on my ipod and all of a sudden I hear a small quiet voice asking me if I was a teacher. I turned around and there was a little old lady (Dressed modestly, not Jewish, I think). I said that I was student and she said that she saw me with a knapsack and thought about how bad I must be feeling having to miss my class because of the train. I was blown away by her thoughtfulness and we had a nice conversation about her life and my schooling. (her husband died of lue gerics disease, and her youngest son died from lung cancer {smoking}). But she was a very positive upbeat person. She helped me focus my eyes and gave my day a boost. Wow! Hashem has agents everywhere spreading the goodness. (not only did I make my class but I even made the mincha minyan right before it exactly on time as the 8th man and we b'H had a minyan.)

day 7: I had to pick up a new pair of glasses from the store. When I went to pick out the frames with my sister, there were only women working there who were not dressed appropriately, that time I had my sister so I had someone to talk to and be able to look to the side a bit and not seem out of place (not a reason to look somewhere but this was several weeks ago, ie. before this push). Either way, this time it was just me. I walked in without my glasses on. Behind the counter was a woman who was dressed appropriately. b'H. Even better though she was busy with a customer (a guy). and the next person who came out to help customers was a man. So I was b'H able to actually check out my glasses without issue. Thank you Hashem for the treat!

Thank you all and hatzlacha rabba!!

thank you tzedekchaim for your posts, they are very inspirational. keep it up!

Sorry for the delay in updating. I had a lot on my hands (laining monday/thursday, moving, school work, etc...) I understand that updating and keeping focus on this struggle is THE most important thing so I will bli neder try to post more frequently even if the posts must be shorter.

Thank you heiligeryid and chaimwantschizuk for the chizuk. b'H today is 13!!!

Its getting harder to keep this challenge the main focus with so much on my plate. However, I understand that when I get married its not like I am going to have less stuff to do. I'll most likely be busier than I am now. Speaking of... The date on friday/shabbos went very well. (I was mentally sober) She was an amazing person, but not for me. And I am happy to say that it is for reasons other than looks. b"H!! We have a couple of other girls that have been recommended by family and friends to look into, so we'll see. But the most important thing is dealing with this issue of mine. When another date comes up I trust that Hashem will handle it then. For now I just need to focus on TODAY and just TODAY. Oh and did I mention TODAY!

Since it's elul I thought I would share a pshat I had a few days ago in li'dovid. We say why does the pasuk say 'achat shealti mei im Hashem osah avakesh, shifti bivais Hashem kol yimei chayai... ulivaker biheichalo.' 
it says I want to live in your house all the days of my life and then it says to visit in your heichal. How can you be a guest (visiting) and live there at the same time? (this question is famous and there is a famous answer, but I have a different answer) In order to dwell in the house of Hashem you have to visit every day. Tell Him, I'm visiting just for today, only today and that's it, then i'll be on my way. When the next day comes we say, "I'm visiting only for Today, that's it, then I'll be on my" before you know it 13 days go by and your still in Hashem's house. Keep it up and may we all be zoche to live in Hashem's house ALL the DAYS of our LIFE!!!

Kol hakavod to all of you amazing people!!! 

Nice!!

May you find your basherte soon - and sobriety too ;-)

Thank you Markz! Amain!!

Today is 15!!! b'H  

I bought a pair of sunglasses yesterday and made them into blinders. We'll see how they work today.

What are some ideas for not letting the struggle be everything. I had heard that if your alwasy worried about falling then that's the surest way to fall. Could anyone give me some advice on how to keep the determination up while not having to constantly (hyperbole) think about the challenge.

The past couple of days have been very challenging. Hashem feels a bit more distant (of course my yetzer harah says he's distant completely, but I know that there are times over the day when we are very close even if at other times it may feel otherwise) I have been thinking the struggle is like two things:

1) jews leaving egypt. first part of the battle is letting Hashem do the miracles and take us out of mitzrayim and through the yam suf. On the other end, although it is unnerving, we have to build emmunah that each and every day Hashem will help us the same way that the yidden had to rely on Hashem to provide food for them each and every day.

2) like a newborn child. First the parents (Hashem) attend to the childs every need constantly, never leaving him alone for a second. As the child gets older the parent is still there and watching; if the child gets hurt the parent runs over and takes care of everything. Even though Hashem sometimes feels distant it's because I am learning how to walk and he is giving me the chance to save my life. Could you imagine if a parent kept treating a child like a newborn infant. (first the parent would probably die lol ) but second the child would never develop.

These are some thoughts. Let me know if they are not accurate for this struggle.

Keep trucking!! 

(btw- markz what is the whole trucking thing anyway? Just an attitude for handling a long hual or is there more to it?) 

IMHO "Trucking" which was coined by bards refers to continually working a program of recovery - each man to his own - as long as it's honest. Eg posting on gye for some is part of their sobriety, for others it's an illusion and an escape until they can return to their illicit ways - I've seen this often. There's other examples

The thing about your sunglasses blinders;

If the world looks like an evil place - i.e. each woman is a Yefas Toar to you etc... then putting blinders isn't what you or they need
We need something deeper. And that means focusing on the "mind's eye".
Did you get your reading glasses on and start with the handbook yet?

But, until you remove your blinders I don't know how safe it is to drive a Truck