Baruch Hashem!!! Day 202!
It is amazing how much can happen in a couple of days. It's been a wild couple of them.
I don't know how much I should share. I have shared with a rebbe of mine yesterday, but I also don't want to give too much story line away since a clever person might after reading my thread try to figure out who I am. I think most members here do respect the forum rules and guidelines for anonymity, but still sharing too much is a giveaway, methinks.
So I'll share some broad strokes, and try to explain what I went through without going into the particular details of times and places.
I had a low period for a couple of days about a week ago. (I believe I discussed this in my last couple of posts, but I can't check right now) Then I got over it and was doing quite well. (this is normal. This challenge has ups and downs because LIFE has ups and downs. And downs doesn't mean you are losing, it means that you have an opportunity to have a high
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
)
Then I was driving somewhere with my kallah and we were talking about schooling and stuff (she has been taking advanced jewish marriage classes). I found some of what she said to be very triggering. For her, it wasn't in any which way. I spent shabbos with my kallah. Either way, it was very challenging from then on in. and for most of the shabbos I was having thoughts. No amount of surrendering seemed to help (though in retrospect, had I not been surrendering I would have acted out almost certainly) (also, I will acknowledge that I had several good times over the shabbos. mainly during meals, or when shmoozing with my kallah as a person.
Skipping some... At some point towards the end of shabbos I did something very accomplished. I felt great afterwards and from that point till the end of shabbos I was doing well in this area. After shabbos I spoke with my kallah about how emotionally difficult this period is for me, and that I know these things are no problem for her. and if she would do me a tremendous favor of not discussing any of these things until they are practically relevant. (ie. probably after our wedding). She was very understanding, and agreed to this. Simply talking it out to her was not easy, I did make every effort to not make it a 'dump my problems on her' kinda thing. ( and I think it didn't come across like a problem dumper) I felt it took a big weight off my chest and it also makes me feel great to know that I can discuss difficult issues with her.
but wait!! the story is not over...
However, the next day the fantasies and the craving continued. I will say that felt like giving up. But I didn't. I davened shacharis (I cried a bit during tachanun), learned with my chavrusa, and then discussed some of the emotional challenge I am going through (he is married and has children, and he knows me well, though not about this issue in particular.) anyway, he gave me some helpful advice, and other advice that was not helpful. (at all, scary more like... but I know how to put it in context so I can handle it). Then I spoke to my rebbe. (the one I have spoken to about this issue of mine before). I don't know what happened but I was fine and clear headed with a set of specific questions in mind, but when he picked up I just lost it. I haven't lost it like that in forever. (Heck! I can't even remember the last time I lost it like that. Maybe when my grandfather passed away). Even as I type this tears come to my eyes. It's funny how some bodily reactions one has so little control over...
Anyway, we managed to discuss some things and this story and some of what I was going through. I had a hard time talking but he managed to keep the discussion going in a patient and [insert the most amazing and gracious words here] way. I think we worked out some things, though there is for sure more to deal with. But I am glad I called him. I am under a lot of stress now from schoolwork, emotional challenges from this struggle. Oh. and on my way to marriage. right... almost forgot that.
I still feel this craving... I don't know what it causing it. Probably a combination of sadness (stemming from lack of self-acceptance), stress, feeling like there is no solution to this endless challenge, and that I am heading inexorably towards a situation (real intimacy) that I don' believe I can handle. (yes I know that was a self judgment, and I need to be working away from those. At leas the negative ones)
I think that I may be reaching the point where many people who make it this far in the trail of sobriety begin to falter. If that is the case, then I need to deal with this appropriatly.
Here are some of the things I am planning to do:
1) reread the GYE handbook. Especially, the attitudes section
2) work on accpeting myself, and this challenge and understanding where my responsibility in sobriety ends and Hashem's picks up.
3) reinforcing ODAAT (I think it needs a lot of work and in fact may be the key to all of this). Since the thing right now for me is fantasies about the wedding night. and worries about the niddah period that is to follow. It is a form of living in the future and is not helpful. Nevertheless, it does loom on the horizon and I do anticipate it as well as I am very anxious over it. Worrying about how I am going to stay sober after having sex is living in the future.
A great line I heard is: regret is living in the past, and anxiety is living in the future.
I think that The ODAAT I have been doing successfully is surrendering the past for the present. but This living in the future is a new dimension of ODAAT that I hadn't considered previously. So that is something I plan on working on.
(one last point. The thought of not being able to stay sober after having sex is silly since I managed to achieve sobriety after having sex with myself.)
This is what I have been going through. (the craving is a living hell, and I hope to, with the chizuk from the GYE community and the help of Hashem Yisborach I'll be zoche to achieve greater and greater heights with all of the tzaddikim here)
Thank you for listening...