Thank you Markz. 

At risk of being facetious,

I have to say that when I put in the smileys I try to smile for each one. So they are real smileys. (In case you were wondering my cheeks are hurting from the ten in a row )

Thank you Hashem for helping me each day. Especially today.

I had a great stint for most of this past week. Next to no lust, great shmiras eynayim, quite upbeat and positive. I felt that I reached a milestone. Then Hashem cranked up the challenge as I'll explain, and the game is back on. Though I am not set back, this is just the next move.

So about two months ago, I had, without any thoughts during the day, a really bad vivid wet dream in the middle of the night. Now, I don't normally have such a thing. And this one was out of no where. I have learned not to be thrown off by these dreams and so I cleaned up smiled and went back to sleep. It was a test to see if showing me (at least how my imagination thinks having sex feels like) would make me crave it more. But after a few days of working on it the whole incident faded from my mind completely, and even that morning it wasn't really bothering me.
    Then just this past shabbos, I was sleeping on the couch. (remember that this week was a 'new' madreiga or whatever of sobriety, at least how it felt to me) and I had a really vivid dream. This time though I managed to wake up right before the end, b'H! and sat up, cleared my mind and went to the bathroom. It was a strong reminder to me that I am not better. and that I just need to keep working at it and living LIFE the way HE wants me to.  

DAY 194 b'H!!!!

I would say that the five languages of love is a great read even before marriage. Hold me tight and the seven principles probably would be more understandable after marriage because they talk about conflict, and most newlyweds can't even imagine conflict. But it wouldn't hurt necessarily to read them before. But the five languages, like I said, is definitely great for before.

TzedekChaim wrote on 19 Mar 2017 01:37:

If you slept on the couch in the day, join the club. 
I too have explicit dreams when I nap in the daytime hours, regardless of many trucking miles. I don't have a solution  to this problem other than to try stay awake 
 and hope I don't fall asleep at the wheel 

Markz wrote on 19 Mar 2017 03:18:

I sometimes have vivid dreams of being able to fall asleep on the couch during the day.

KOT, TC!!

Facetious - A for spellin'.

Ten in a row - F in math.

B'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote on 20 Mar 2017 11:24:

He's right. The first one is not yet a row. Two define a row. So there's ten in a row, created by the first.

Singularity wrote on 20 Mar 2017 13:22:

Can you guys please speak in English, i didnt take my meds today yet.

GrowStrong wrote on 20 Mar 2017 13:23:

OK
I got it.
somehow

Thank you guys for the wonderful laugh... I realized it was one too many after the fact and didn't want to change it. Besides, who ever complains about having too much smileys

Day 196!!!

Keep on trucking!!!

@singularity: Are you a lawyer by any chance? That was quite a defensive stretch of thinking.

Baruch Hashem!!! Day 202!

It is amazing how much can happen in a couple of days. It's been a wild couple of them.

I don't know how much I should share. I have shared with a rebbe of mine yesterday, but I also don't want to give too much story line away since a clever person might after reading my thread try to figure out who I am. I think most members here do respect the forum rules and guidelines for anonymity, but still sharing too much is a giveaway, methinks.

So I'll share some broad strokes, and try to explain what I went through without going into the particular details of times and places.

I had a low period for a couple of days about a week ago. (I believe I discussed this in my last couple of posts, but I can't check right now) Then I got over it and was doing quite well. (this is normal. This challenge has ups and downs because LIFE has ups and downs. And downs doesn't mean you are losing, it means that you have an opportunity to have a high )

Then I was driving somewhere with my kallah and we were talking about schooling and stuff (she has been taking advanced jewish marriage classes). I found some of what she said to be very triggering. For her, it wasn't in any which way. I spent shabbos with my kallah. Either way, it was very challenging from then on in. and for most of the shabbos I was having thoughts. No amount of surrendering seemed to help (though in retrospect, had I not been surrendering I would have acted out almost certainly) (also, I will acknowledge that I had several good times over the shabbos. mainly during meals, or when shmoozing with my kallah as a person.

Skipping some... At some point towards the end of shabbos I did something very accomplished. I felt great afterwards and from that point till the end of shabbos I was doing well in this area. After shabbos I spoke with my kallah about how emotionally difficult this period is for me, and that I know these things are no problem for her. and if she would do me a tremendous favor of not discussing any of these things until they are practically relevant. (ie. probably after our wedding). She was very understanding, and agreed to this. Simply talking it out to her was not easy, I did make every effort to not make it a 'dump my problems on her' kinda thing. ( and I think it didn't come across like a problem dumper) I felt it took a big weight off my chest and it also makes me feel great to know that I can discuss difficult issues with her.

but wait!! the story is not over...

However, the next day the fantasies and the craving continued. I will say that felt like giving up. But I didn't. I davened shacharis (I cried a bit during tachanun), learned with my chavrusa, and then discussed some of the emotional challenge I am going through (he is married and has children, and he knows me well, though not about this issue in particular.) anyway, he gave me some helpful advice, and other advice that was not helpful. (at all, scary more like... but I know how to put it in context so I can handle it). Then I spoke to my rebbe. (the one I have spoken to about this issue of mine before). I don't know what happened but I was fine and clear headed with a set of specific questions in mind, but when he picked up I just lost it. I haven't lost it like that in forever. (Heck! I can't even remember the last time I lost it like that. Maybe when my grandfather passed away). Even as I type this tears come to my eyes. It's funny how some bodily reactions one has so little control over...

Anyway, we managed to discuss some things and this story and some of what I was going through. I had a hard time talking but he managed to keep the discussion going in a patient and [insert the most amazing and gracious words here] way. I think we worked out some things, though there is for sure more to deal with. But I am glad I called him. I am under a lot of stress now from schoolwork, emotional challenges from this struggle. Oh. and on my way to marriage. right... almost forgot that.

I still feel this craving... I don't know what it causing it. Probably a combination of sadness (stemming from lack of self-acceptance), stress, feeling like there is no solution to this endless challenge, and that I am heading inexorably towards a situation (real intimacy) that I don' believe I can handle. (yes I know that was a self judgment, and I need to be working away from those. At leas the negative ones)

I think that I may be reaching the point where many people who make it this far in the trail of sobriety begin to falter. If that is the case, then I need to deal with this appropriatly.

Here are some of the things I am planning to do:
1) reread the GYE handbook. Especially, the attitudes section
2) work on accpeting myself, and this challenge and understanding where my responsibility in sobriety ends and Hashem's picks up.
3) reinforcing ODAAT (I think it needs a lot of work and in fact may be the key to all of this). Since the thing right now for me is fantasies about the wedding night. and worries about the niddah period that is to follow. It is a form of living in the future and is not helpful. Nevertheless, it does loom on the horizon and I do anticipate it as well as I am very anxious over it. Worrying about how I am going to stay sober after having sex is living in the future.

A great line I heard is: regret is living in the past, and anxiety is living in the future.

I think that The ODAAT I have been doing successfully is surrendering the past for the present. but This living in the future is a new dimension of ODAAT that I hadn't considered previously. So that is something I plan on working on.

(one last point. The thought of not being able to stay sober after having sex is silly since I managed to achieve sobriety after having sex with myself.)

This is what I have been going through. (the craving is a living hell, and I hope to, with the chizuk from the GYE community and the help of Hashem Yisborach I'll be zoche to achieve greater and greater heights with all of the tzaddikim here)

Thank you for listening...

This smiley guy is awesome!
Great communication with your future wife.
Youre doing great in your bein gavra period.
IyH youll keep up the awesome Trucking mechayil lechayil

Awesome post, and awesome work!! 

11 Smileys for you!

TzedekChaim wrote on 27 Mar 2017 12:28:

You're an awesome guy, you handled this amazingly well, and both you and your kallah are lucky that you're working on this now and that you are a good communicator and are also able to open up to your Rebbi.

You are so way ahead of what many people go through that I can't begin to tell you. 

Great post. Lot to learn from you. Keep it up!

I think we have to give up on the idea of reaching a point where we don't have any cravings. These habits are very deeply ingrained in alot of us. They don't go away so quickly.

What's most important is learning to deal with them, each in his way.

I'm not sure the cause is important. It implies that once dealt with these cravings will magically go away.

Perhaps it's best to merely find a method that helps you bring back a feeling of serenity and well being into your life, bypassing the need to identify and address each and every problem (most of us have many and it's easy to get lost in them. I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't work on our issues, but merely that the proper time to do so isn't when you are stressed and overcome with lust). 

My method these days is music. I set the timer on my phone for a half hour, close my eyes and pay attention. I tell myself my problems​ will still be there in a half hour and give myself permission not to think about them. 

The above is true for me in my life. I wish yiu the best of luck. 

First of all thank you. Thank you. All of you amazing people. (markz nice new truck you got there). You guys give me so much chizuk, hope, and belief in me and what I can and am doing.

Wow! 

So, ODAAT is a big thing. But it is a tool. Yes a tool that I need to continue to implement (by tool I mean mindset and technique kinda rolled up into one. Not sure what I mean by that but hey...) I think the wall I was running up against is self acceptance. This is what my rebbe thought. Shame that I am wrong, and not accepting this situation. (imagine, though not too graphically, if a person could never have sex again. Physically impossible. The lust wouldn't go away. They would suffer and suffer horribly until they accepted that this was the new reality and then they could move on and live in it) Same thing here which Ihavenostrength was saying as well (thank you).

I was reading up on self-acceptance and tunnel-vision (www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-sobriety/201108/when-vision-becomes-tunnel-vision). (I found a bunch of articles on self-acceptance as well and I'll put them in the bottom, just be warned there is some garbage about how society messes people up and doesn't let them express their 'true' gender identity. you have been warned ) They speak to a lot of issues I believe in the GYE handbook as well as this whole addict thing. So that was helpful.

Then, I finally, got over my reservations and listened to the first shiur in Dov's workshop. 

PAUSE...

I want to publicly (or as publicly as an anonymous user on an anonymous forum can do) thank Dov for his amazing work. When I first got here two years ago I found a lot of what he said to be crazy, off the wall, not jewish. I was convinced. But then I kept falling, and I slowly began to realize the amazing and simple truths that he posts about. I found a few of his articles to be very helpful, and even if I didn't like them. I knew they were true and I wasn't getting out of this without owning it and being brutally honest with myself. (one article I remember well is the reset button, but there were many) So thank you Dov for all you do for the GYE community and especially for the helping hand you have given me.

RESUME

So I listened to the first Dov lecture, and you know what? He starts going through the outline of the 12 steps and when he gets to step four (which is probably what I am up to in terms of implementing) He says it straight out. about accepting our reality. I was like, 'thank you Dov, and thank you Hashem for sending me this rather clear answer.' So maybe if I felt like I was up against a wall it is because I need to start the next step. 

(the articles on self-acceptance, at least most of them, list making an honest inventory about yourself as critical to self-acceptance) I understand step four includes a brutal and honest and thorough inventory. But I think I shall include also all of the positive things I have done as well so I can accept the total ME.

So I updated today, and it has been one day since the last, and IMY"H it will be just one more one more time.

Thank you GYE and friends!!




ps. here are the links please see my warning above:

psychcentral.com/lib/therapists-spill-12-ways-to-accept-yourself/
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200809/the-path-unconditional-self-acceptance
zenhabits.net/acceptance-techniques/
www.eruptingmind.com/how-to-love-and-accept-yourself-self-acceptance/
www.oprah.com/spirit/how-self-acceptance-can-crack-open-your-life

really just the first bunch of google results that I found relevant.