Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:

It ain't for sale!

I hardly ever initiate.

Can't go back there.

Workingguy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:42:

Click on "My story" below. It's basically the same

I have a full time job (with overtime) which I enjoy although tough at times. and I try learn a little, and hold a second part time job, and spend time with my Fam, and participate on gye, so my hands are too busy to be goggling

Sorry it's no long psychological discourse

All my love
Getzel

Cords,

Personal question- would you do that even if she would never or almost never initiate? Serious not sarcastic question. 

Singularity:
Sorry to here about the hard time I feel your' pain and completely relate to it as my wife too tells me she wants to be my wall/rock or whatever. I usually do not  initiate and when we do it she is happy doesn't matter who started and when she asks if I need it and I tell her that I do not want to push her she appreciates it
You just have to find the right balance for yourself no one can decide for you

Workingguy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 17:28:

Not only is my answer yes to the future, it is to the past and present.

HaveI there been some days, weeks, months that she has somewhat initiated? Yes, but that is not the rule; it is the exception. And by the way, if you don't believe me, ask my wife; she will respond accordingly.

DoI I fall every once in a whileI and try to initiate? Yes. But usually, I end up beatin' myself up afterwards.

There are many people who have "asking their wife for sex" as a bottom line. While I don't have experience with this at all, I understand the logic.

I would like to add, however, that this is true for addicts. Singularity, or whatever his real name is, is an addict. I've heard addicts say asking for sex  is a bottom line of theirs. For people like Mark, it's a whole different story.

cordnoy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 19:17:


More questions- asking really to understand and not "lekanter".

If you're wife doesn't initiate and you don't, chances are it obviously won't happen much. Is that the way you leave it, and do you think your marriage is affected negatively in any way?

Do you not initiate because it's bad for you to do so, or because she doesn't want you to, or both?

If she told you that she wants you to initiate, would you?

If you're wife doesn't initiate and you don't, chances are it obviously won't happen much. Is that the way you leave it, and do you think your marriage is affected negatively in any way?

YesI, that is the way we leave it. At times it is adversely affected. Basically, it depends upon my moods.

Do you not initiate because it's bad for you to do so, or because she doesn't want you to, or both?

ProbablyI both.

If she told you that she wants you to initiate, would you?

HellI yes!

cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 03:59:

Cords, kol hakavod to you. I'm guessing that's not what you want to hear but you give yourself credit where it's due. If you beat yourself up when you "slip", be fair to yourself and give yourself credit when you're strong. Even though I don't know the numbers (how often you actually do it) from the experience that I have, for a few months when my ex wouldn't go to the mik and I was going nuts. This was at a time when I was extremely depressed & had a very weak sex drive. I can't understand what you're going through, but keep at it, keep focusing on how much strength you've gained through the years of work that you've done.

Look back at the times that you fell. How much did you grow overall because of each fall? Please try to focus on how often you are winning and succeeding. If you need help, lmk I'll try to help you focus.

BB0212

ETA: Just realized this is Singularity's thread. Didn't mean to hijack it.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:

Sometimes some abstention is necessary to break the hyperfocus on having sex. But that is not the ultimate. There should be intimacy and if both are interested it should continue to healthy sex. If she isn't interested, nobody will die from not continuing. It will be hard the first few times but after a while you can be completely in control. Your wife will appreciate you so much for this mehalech and when you do have relations it will be so much more enjoyable - and you will feel great and proud afterwards - the way a husband who treats his wife well feels.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 06:56:

I'd imagine that's true to a point - if somebody's wife isn't interested in sex for two years, what then?

Thanks everyone for the wonderful insights.

I feel I have a wife with very rare middos befitting a true bas yisroel. I thank Hashem for that, and thank you guys for helping me realise it.

On a lighter note, my wife and I had a fantastic day yesterday, had early supper with the kids. baked, sorted out clothing, made her feel accomplished. You know, normal things, things an addict dreams of.

And I didn't initiate this time! but there was a consensus, BH.

I understand I need to initiate sometimes. I don't believe my initiating or not affects my porn/masturbation addiction. That's just me. Just, I don't know the best way to go about it, and sometimes she really is tired, but I think it will be OK because is being tired an excuse? Every night is a different ball game; just gotta roll with it. It's hard to determine sometimes. And if I miscalculate, I end up feeling bad, and that's a potential trigger.

I need some more time to chew on it. But I'm in a better space, I feel, BH. Thanks everybody!

Workingguy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:42:

As an addict the white book says "sex is optional", it is hard for me to agree with it, but i know that if sex is not optional, then it means its lust for me, and having sex with my wife even though its Muter will only feed my lust!!!
When i want to show love to my wife, there is dozens of other ways to show it... not by pressuring her emotionally in to something she isn't in the mood of right now!

With that being said - there is a Mitzveh of pleasuring the wife (not yourself), and Piryeh Verivyeh, and a person that purely means G-d's will, wont get agitated if his wife dosent want it now!
Protecting me from sin... i know as an addict - for me having sex with my wife will not keep me off porn... 

will Succeed Beh wrote on 09 Feb 2017 11:09:

I agree that no matter how much I get from the Mrs, it will help nothing against porn and stuff. but in a matzav of being very aroused to the point of no control, what do ya do?