Nope. Keep on MONSTUH Trucking.

Still clean for today.

I kinda OD'ed on conference calls today.. could be worse : )

I actually struggled a bunch this afternoon, cause was home and feeling very restless, anxious, and having some cravings.  I survived, between white-knuckling and the knowledge that just giving in was not an option on the table today.  It was a problem though that I sat in the RID for such a long time.  I dealt with this a bit at the end of the day, and hope I'm doing better now as a result.  I stopped by a Beis Medresh for some quality time, which gave me some more meaning, connection, satisfaction. Good things.

Also a victory today I think.  I was resentful cause a family member asked a favor from me and I felt pretty stuck having to do it.  Plus it caused me some grief in the end.  I avoided talking to them too much afterwards, but I also avoided saying anything to express my aggravation to them.  Really it was pretty reasonable to ask of me, and the grief it caused me was my fault in a way, and also beyond either of our control.  I may still bring up how I felt to them, but I'll try to do it without expressing RIA (resentment, irritation, anger).

Today's gratitudes:

1. Had a car available to get to an appointment on-time even after I missed the train
2. Was pleased with notes I took a month ago that were helpful in yesterday's conference call (more validation than gratitude maybe)
3. Had friends and family to lend an ear to some sadness I was feeling about some recent news

So just saw this on poshuteryid's thread, but didn't want to take up space there


It got me thinking though, so I went and checked my own stats, and guess what ?

First post:                  October 10, 2010
Joined GYE:             April 8, 2011  hmmm...
Worst vacation ever....
Returned to GYE:     March 6, 2016 

I have an idea how it happened, but still pretty strange 

Still trucking (I hope)

But, technically I had a fall.  I thought I had dealt with my feelings and inner discontent last night before getting to bed.  But I did stay up way too late and had to basically skip my night routine, which I think helps calm my body and mind.  Couple hours later I woke up in the middle of acting out.  I wasn't really conscious of what I was doing until it was over, but it's definitely a fall for me I think.  (starting the count over, for what it's worth).

I didn't take it too hard at the time, but later in the morning I started to feel pretty depressed about it.  Depressed enough to actually do my work...  More than depressing, I guess it was a "sobering experience", cause it made me realize that I have to stop chasing adrenaline - even if its in the form of talking with GYE guys, posting to the forum, calling in on conference calls, listening to GYE recordings - and spend more time and energy living my life. By living my life, I mean attending to my "spiritual fitness" by doing things that are meaningful, fulfilling, productive, and real.     

There's a quote I like:  "Life is so unnerving, for a servant who's not serving"  (if you get the reference 

The way I see it, I am a servant, put in this world for a purpose. And if I am not working towards that purpose, then I am sure to be miserable, irritable and discontented.

Yesterday's gratitudes:

1. Every now and then I thank Hashem for  big(bad)moish (I hope at least he knows what that means)
2. My family member showed me appreciation for being responsive to their concerns
3. A meaningful share from another GYE guy

kind of cryptic today, sry
 

You're not really responsible for what you do while you're asleep. But whatever works for you...

KOMT!

In sobriety I have learnt not to be so hard on myself.

sober today

 Woke up late today, but had semi-productive day otherwise.  Which I'm grateful for.
Connected briefly with a new GYE guy, which I'm also grateful for, but hoping to keep the connection.

Felt some resentment for something at the end of the day, but did not act on it. Was able to be patient with it and find the right perspective. 

 

Sober for today.

Open/Unfiltered Internet

I've been reading up on different strategies people have had success with.  I have a confession for today.  I currently use unfiltered internet.  In the past, I have used K9 and sometimes monitoring software, at least on my personal computer/devices.  My family computers have never been filtered, but there used to be a login password that prevented me from getting onto them. These methods sometimes helped, but I always found loopholes, both actual and ways of rationalizing to get my fix.  

Since starting my current journey, about 2-3 months ago, I pretty much have been using totally unfiltered internet.  It wasn't deliberate, but I I am not bothered by it because I have decided that my sobriety cannot be built on an internet filter (though I understand some good arguments for using one anyway).  I felt that I wanted to be honest on the forum about this, and maybe hear reactions from those who have experience with it.  If anyone can comment on this either by posting responses or sending PM's would be great.  

Thanks

thanks613 wrote on 08 Apr 2016 19:20:

here is how i see an internet filter in regards to myself:
1. an internet filter has nothing to do with my sobriety. because sobriety is not the lack of acting out. (look up "dry drunk"). sobriety is primarily עשה טוב, not סור מרע. the סור מרע is primarily the product.
2. the internet filter בעצם will not stop me from acting out my urge. i will find a way around it.
3. an internet filter IS a היכר בעלמא to break to auto pilot feature in the my mind. it is one more thing i have to do to acess the material, and in the interim i may "catch yourself", or i may avoid the whole thing knowing it will take time and energy.
its like the sword of פלטי בן ליש - he himself put it there and he could have pulled out anytime. so what was the point of it? היכר בעלמא - one more thing to do beore the act.
(*this comparison has been made already in the gye handbook)
4. one more benefit - there are times when i feel i could have controlled myself. i was online, and not in the mood to be up to no good. but no filter meant triggering links popping up, ads, and pics coming out of nowhere, accessible with 1 click that got me into the mood, and we know that aint good. chazal were wise for saying סחור סחור אמרינן לנזירא. 
פילטער פילטער אמרינן לאדיקט

So I lost my sobriety. It was on Sunday at first.  Old story, really. First I "slipped", then I really "lost my balance" and "fell in".  But I quickly "climbed out" only to "dive back in".  It was a back flip.  Then I swam around for a while. Now I'm in the hot tub.

And that's how to make light of a not-funny issue . . .

I'll write more, eventually. I'm clean today, but not gonna update my chart for not.  Gonna try for a bit without the count

It should be with hatzlachah.

Looking forward to hear your voice again.

thanks613 wrote on 13 Apr 2016 22:44:

Hot Tub Addict in Taylorville, IL is offering refurbished hot tubs at affordable pricing, come check out our showroom today!

I actually wanted to write about hot tubs as well, but then I thought better of it.

Haha, thanks.  I couldn't compete with mark'z comedy if I tried . . .  Interesting thing about those hot tubs though.  According to Chris C on January '14:

"Hot Tub Addict in Taylorville is terrible! (blah blah blah)...broken the day he delivered it! He said he would he would..repair the hot tub over a year ago and has still not done so! (blah blah blah)...has used every excuse possible and finally it's time to talk 5 my lawyer! DO NOT BUY HERE

It all fits!! though I'm still trying to figure out the lawyer part ;<}

I recently listened thought maybe I would go backwards and listen to some of the shemiras anaiyim shiurim GYE has.  I figured, 'it may not be what I need, but it can't hurt, right..?'  Anyways, I got through about 10 minutes, and had about as many objections, but that's another story.  Probably the shiur is more of a preventative measure, and may or may not be suited for people of my own background and thinking.  By way of intro, the maggid shiur mentioned that a Chassideshe Rebbe said that if someone is tempted to look at a woman in the street and he stops himself, then he could be responsible for causing a bomb that was intended for Jewish lives to explode in the terrorist's own basement.   I'm sure I've heard something along these lines before.  But the obvious logical jump for me is-- If I do look at her, or worse, if I go home and indulge in pornography and masturbation, then I am responsible for killing Jewish lives (or at least for failing to protect them).  This thought has bothered me for a while, and I'm curious what exactly is the appropriate Hashkafah on it. 

In other news, I was looking over the parshah and I was reminded of how I used to labor over the part about Zav and Keri as a teenager, searching for the exact Issur of masturbation.  I was pretty dismayed that I did not really find one at the time. I guess I concluded that Keri causes Tumah, and Tumah is bad.  Anyways, just remembering.  It's hard not to think about it this week

I know I still owe it to myself and to all you who have supported me to address my recent fall...