Hey there to whoever is still interested. I've been on vacation for a few days already in Canada with family of mine. So far so good. Hard to keep up here and there, but in general I'm keeping busy, B"H!

Let's hope I manage to keep it up to the end...

We're all here rooting for you (even people like me who wasn't on this topic until right now).

Regarding your Windows 10 questions, I have K-9, and that seems to work for me. I would recommend 1 of 2 things to avoid the uninstall problem: either give the password to someone else (I believe there is some "Filter Gabbai" on this site that could hold this for you). Another option would be to create a ridiculously un-intuitive and not remember-able password (for example, bang on the keyboard once or twice - sort of how I got my screen name), and use that as the password. Have the password saved on a .txt file somewhere on your computer where you won't easily access it. Granted, you would always be able to get to the password and uninstall it yourself, but the point is to make it difficult enough that by the time you hunt it down, you'll be able to (hopefully) fight against most of the urge.

I also had the same issue with Covenant Eyes, albeit back with Windows 8. The only suggestion I have is make sure you're using the most up-to-date version, as they're likely to fix those bugs over time (as an aside, make sure you're getting the program directly from Covenant Eyes. Part of the issue was that I was getting it from the Web Chaver partnership, which was a version or two behind. Downloading the product directly from the Covenant Eyes website was a more up-to-date version).

And regarding what you said about "Ever since I started up on GYE I developed an addiction, whereas beforehand I at least had very long breaks in between falls.". I've felt somewhat similar to that myself at times. I try to think about it as a sort of "last-ditch"-effort-by-lust/a candle is always brightest right before it extinguishes/insert-famous-phrase-along-those-lines type of scenario.

m58yiw84niym wrote on 08 Apr 2016 03:52:

M58, thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm on the verge of giving up (whatever the heck that means...[no, not suicide ch"v)]. I'm sick of it all. I'm not supposed to be where I am. However good I am doing, around the corner comes that moment where the world crumbles around you and nothing else. Nothing. No-thing. (Yes, yes, that's the wrong outlook, the wrong perspective, bla bla bla). 

And as can be told from my tone, Yes, I am indeed after a fall. and another fall. and another. and I. am. sick. of. this. 

I have changed my entire perspective recently, various works of mussar have helped etc (mesilas yesharim for example). It made it easier to cope and go on and keep improving after a fall. And then it happens again. Filters. And then another loophole from some old dusty device that wasn't 100% filtered from years ago. 

I am sick of this. Is it my fault??? Have I not done the effort? time and again? I mean, really! how much can I be expected to suffer and try? I just want to live a normal life, do what normal people do, work without having to be dragged down. I am sick of it all, it's killing me, it's really really killing me inside. 

I refuse to do live meetings or phone calls or all that. I absolutely refuse. I was in a similar situation in the past, and I managed to get out of it for a significantly long time before a very specific occurrence happened, got some bad spiritual advice from someone and then the rest went haywire until today. I mean, it's ridiculous....my situation and all that...I wish I can be more specific but I'm very paranoid for my privacy.

 

It should be B'hatzlachah.

Refusing certain assistance that may be beneficial is not what I would call "what am I expected to do?" I don't know your situation, but I know mine. It called for tools in recovery that I wasn't so comfortable taking, but the alternative sucked. I took them.

B'hatzlachah

Did you try anything besides mussar and a filter?

If you haven't then I'm really not surprised you fell.

I don't know anyone that got helped by mussar, and certainly not by a filter.

Maybe you should ask for advice?

There are a lot of people here in the same boat as you. You can learn a thing or two.

If you aren't comfortable going to live meetings or calling then don't. No one is going to force you. You might not even be addicted despite the belief that you are.

As for privacy, don't post anything identifying. It really is as simple as that.

Hatzlacha



 

Yaalzu wrote on 20 Apr 2016 08:51:

There's a saying work smarter not harder. The phrase the oilam here uses when they're fighting with all their might is called "white knuckling". Most guys tell that are successful tell you they DON'T fight with all their might; they try NOT to fight at all by not getting into the ring with desire/lust/theYH.

So have you done the effort? I can't tell you that, but just because you're working very hard doesn't mean you've done everything you can, and possible, being successful means trying something DIFFERENT, not harder.

Also, by definition, by absolutely refusing to do certain things, can you really say you've tried your hardest? Are those things worse to you than the problems you have now? 
 

Alright, alright, so I need to pull myself together...(I fell again last night by the way...big chidush).

I looked around more closely at the tools and have a gameplan set up for the future. For now I have already set up a shvua and had it checked out by The Guard. In fact this technique has very much helped in the past, only that I didn't do it properly and I am still now sort of uncertain if I have to do a hataras nedarim on what I did back then....

In any case BE"H may this itself be a big leap to success. I know that the biggest problem I have is at those moments when my taava is going crazy and I can't seem to deal with it, and I tell myself that I just have to let go and forget about it because that's better than having to fight it for so long. BE"H with the shvua I can hold off for long enough until I pull myself together and get back to business as usual. One of the problems I have is that I have to work with computers on a daily basis, and that itself is what causes my taava to rise. Back when I could hold up easily for weeks and even months at a time without a worry at all was when I didn't need the computer. BE"H may this succeed....

I want to give you some good news. The way the tayvah works for most people is that for the first few days of being clean it gets stronger. Then it starts getting weaker and easier to resist. Eventually it's pretty easy to avoid falling because of tayvah alone.

There are other things to watch out for then, but for now just keep in mind that it will get easier.

Ok guys. I'm officially giving myself up to more options. It's just not cutting it. As long as there is internet, filter or not there will be weaknesses, and at the end of the day it will happen even without the internet junk, though perhaps a bit easier to manage. And the shvua is a bit messy, so it helps but I can't rely solely on it because I guess I'm just a little bit too deep into it.

There is that one day which is filled with taavah, and eventually I just don't have the strength to keep the temptation up, and it can go on for the longest time without going away, and then I'll give in, and it will lead into a few days or more of a whole mess of falling and all that.

Please help me out, those of you who have experience, I'm completely lost. (and i dare all of those smartalecs to tell me that I have to be afraid of gehinom and realize what a horrible sin and all that. really, i dare you.)

Sorry to hear.
Are you still holdin' by the same refusals for help as you mentioned in an above post?

You might want to start by commiting to come here daily instead of every few weeks. Its hard to see you getting help from gye if you only show up periodically.

(I know I didn't give any advice it'd be a waste if there isn't going to be follow up)

Ina, I think our friend tried the forum and it doesn't seem to me to be the clincher for him, if you see some posts. It can help to post, but there are other guys here with Threads that have pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages, but... no positive change

IMHO, posting alot helps when there's positive attitude headlights

We are not gonna debate if - to post or not. I'm saying this specifically in the case of my friend Yaalzu

Yaalzu, please turn on the lights, take up an offer of getting in touch with someone here - start with the success story guys (see my signature if you wish)

I have bad news for you

Theyre not gonna throw the fires of gehinnom your way

I'd hardly call posting 13 posts mostly consisting of saying that he fell trying the forum.

Trying the forum would be asking for advice, getting advice, trying to follow said advice, asking questions, and following up on the replies you get.

Coming online every so often when you feel down doesn't qualify. No one can help if you're not committed. I completely agree to try to get in touch with someone but if you only talk to him periodically it isn't going to help too much either.

This issue needs work, not sporadic bursts of action.

Markz, thank you for words imparted in a kind and understanding manner, more than others here seem to care to do. Especially in a forum (no pun intended?) such as this, I see it very important to reach out a helping hand as opposed to a judgmental eye, and seeing the other comments I really was on the verge of giving up the forum altogether. 

The presumptions of what I have/haven't been trying is utterly ridiculous, you're all so certain of yourselves and defensive of someone who challenges what you found acceptable....This is my second account on GYE, and yes I have done plenty of reading on the forums, though I can't say that the attitutde you guys yourselves are expressing here is making it a very complelling thing to do, to post in such a judgmental place. Sending judgmental messages my way, I can promise you, won't convince me to do anything you would ever try, even if there was room for it in my opinions, just because of the way it is presented, attacking my ego and all that. anyways I don't feel like expanding the topic any further so I'll stop myself here.

Markz, how do you mean getting in touch? by phone? by chat? I've already been reached out to by a member to call him and I did, he gave me a bit of a push in the right direction, but unfortunately wasn't too familiar, I suppose, with the various implications of my current position and therefore the advice he gave was rather limited.