Welcome to GYE! Thanks for all your posts!

Tzvi - I owe you a Thank You!!!
This week would typically have been downhill for me as I have my ups and downs, but the fact that I decided this week to take the plunge and join GYE, and partnered with You saved me - How can I thank you?? And I like the handshake picture!

You wrote "I find I have a hard time 'snapping back' to how I was before the slip. The desires still linger."
My friend - what were you expecting? That the desires will dissipate and cease to exist for the next 14 days? I know you had a picture of a baby earlier - but you weren't born today and past experience tells you that desires still linger and you probably have what I do. I find usually its the opposite. After I slipped once, I'm in slip mode - why not repeat? Who cares? Etc.

Solutions? I find that 90% or more slips occur by me after 11pm. Is that the same by you?
If your answer is yes, I have an idea [which i don't think is mentioned (yet) in the 30 Principles of GYE Program], that has helped me some and Id be interested to to share with you. Let me know if you are interested to hear, and if most slips occur after 10pm?

Welcome mark!
Have you thought about starting your own thread?

markz wrote:


I'm glad that you found this thread helpful, thank you! I'd love to hear your ideas, feel free to PM or post them if you'd like.

Today is Day 2

Yesterday was rough. Coming off a slip, all I could think of was the images dancing around in my head. Additionally, I have a lot of free time now, which makes for a volatile concoction. I read, I listened to music, and generally tried to distract myself.

But you know what I didn't do? I didn't daven. Not out of spite, but out of habit. I go to minyan, but my mumbles barely represent the turmoil in my soul. Like any relationship, my relationship with Hashem is complicated. There's a lot of bitterness on my part, "Why did you put me through what I went through in my younger years? Why do I have to be a sexaholic?"

However, there are beautiful times of lucidity where I feel so connected. Hashem has given me a wonderful marriage, children, friends, social standing, health, and the list goes on and on. I look at my life, at 'what could have been,' and know that Hashem has been holding my hand all along. I was like a blind man, in the dark, walking on the edge of a cliff. By all accounts, I should have fallen off, broke, and perhaps even died.

Yet, here I am! Me'eis Hashem haysa zos, hee niflas be'eyneinu! At so many stages in my life, I truly and honestly had thought I wouldn't be where I am now.

Yet, with all this, I find davening to be difficult. Besides the fact that generally teffila is one of the four things that need constant chizuk, (which, perhaps, may mean that the relationship with Hashem needs constant chizuk) I find that I have other impediments.

Recently I realized that part of me doesn't believe that I am allowed to have a relationship with Hashem. That, as one of His children, I am deserving of a relationship.

I've been accused of overthinking things. Perhaps...



P.S. I plan on counting this as day one, as technically my slip was on the morning of Thursday. It's semantics, but this way I can say I had a 15 day streak :D

Hey Tzvi - I hope you're rowing strong on this Guard Your Eyes Steamliner, on your way to 16+!
Please checkout the new GOOD-NIGHT-BLOG I posted
guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/262276-THE-GOOD-NIGHT-BLOG. You're invited to partner on this ambitious blog. I'd really appreciate if you'd consider to join the blog to 'moderate' me any times I feel the urgent need to logon after my shut-down time - Although I'm trying my hardest not to find excuses to logon, at times it's really tough...

TzviFree wrote:


It's really good that your difficulties with tefilla disturb you.
You've given a number of credible reasons why your tefilla may not be going. Also bear in mind that acting out cools one's cheshek for a connection down immensely (that's not my own assertion).
Something as important as your tefilla certainly deserves to be thought about. If you feel you're overthinking maybe it's better to talk everything through with a wise sympathetic rov? Not hiding your acting out because it's a critical part of the jigsaw.

Hello folks... it's been a while.

I've had a bunch of slips. I didn't post, because I was slipping, and I didn't want this thread to be 'TzviFree's 90 days of slips'

It's silly - reaching out to others is one of the tools to help me ground myself, and stay sober. There's so much wisdom on these boards, and I deprived myself of it. The good news, though, is that I'm here now.

Y'know, I've read Steps 1 and 2 about a million or two times, but only today did I get a real feeling for them. I always kind of glossed over them - Yes, I can't help myself, yes, there is a HP that can, etc.

But today, I had a flash of insight. I really can't help myself! I always knew it, but today, I felt it. For a moment.

I feel like I've been doing everything I can to keep sober, and nothing is working. So I have a new plan. I don't plan on being sober tomorrow. Tomorrow I might slip. However, my goal for today is to be sober.

shlomo613 wrote:


I have a very good relationship with my rov, and he is well aware of my struggles. We speak semi regularly, and it's been very helpful. That being said, there's only so much he, or anyone else, can do. If my thinking is warped, though he may help straighten out some of it, there's just many parts of a day that I apply my thinking to.

"There's so much wisdom on these boards, and I deprived myself of it."

Tvi,

Ever since I joined this club a few weeks ago (GYE), I come on almost daily to the forum so I don't get deprived - just to read, and it helps me on 2 fronts.

1) There's so many different views and angles discussed that it keeps me focused positively
2) Until I joined the club, what I was dealing with was private, and I grew up with the perception that this is my problem which no-one can understand or help me. By joining the forum and reading daily it totally changes the mindset. There's more to discuss about this. I'd think it a good idea if you try come on often to read different board discussions like I do, and it could really help you too.

שבת שלום!

TzviFree wrote:


I feel like Iv'e been doing everything I can to keep sober and nothing is working."
You mentioned reaching out...but then it seemed that by reaching out, you mean posting on this forum...

The forum is great...but as you can see, it is far from a powerful tool for you. Perhaps the inherent weakness of posting from behind a computer using a fake name - to people hiding behind their computers and posting w fake names. Perhaps not. Just a thought from a guy who loves the forums but knows how limited they are for the real thing...and you are in the real thing, sir. Your struggle is not 'virtual'.

So, if you'd like to really start reaching out, i'm just offering as a fellow recovering pervert, that you email me and make this thing a bit more real than posting using a fake name to people using fake names. We culd talk on the phone as well. It's OK.

Hey Tzvi long time no speak. How you doing these days?

TzviFree wrote:


Hi Tzvi,
Thanks for your inspiring posts.

I too find music to be a very helpful tool, and it can totally change my mood sometimes. My Rebbi in yeshiva used to tell me to listen to music even in the 3 weeks.
I have a long list of Jewish songs that I listen to frequently that I'd be happy to share, just PM me if you're interested.
One caveat is that Jewish music didn't appeal that much to me when I was also listening to non-Jewish music. I have been "clean" from non-Jewish music for at least 12 years now, so it may be different for you.
Also, there are times when I actually watch Jewish music videos on YouTube, which is much more powerful. My filter is smart enough to block most of YouTube but allows me access to my saved favorites.

Lastly, I've been through some of the things you mentioned, but in different chronology. If you want to shmooze, PM me as I'm not into public sharing (Dov scared me off as well ) BH I am in a very different place than I was, but still have some big hurdles ahead.

Imcha anachnu b'tzarah b'aliyah.

Gevalt, I scared someone off?
It would be a service to explain what that means.
Thanks,
Dov

Hi, it's me...

I've been sober now for 11 days. Been having ups and downs, but the last week + has been great, BH.

More later...

Speaking of music - the Gr"a in divrei hayamim says that the reason why music is called ניצוח is because music can defeat the yetzer hara.

(Not to confuse Yetzer Hara and addiction )