jewizard21 wrote on 07 May 2024 04:00:

It’s from the 1 and only beloved dov 

https://guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/Dov/Dov's%20Recovery%20Talks/Dating%20-%20how%20to%20tell%20her-him%20about%20my%20problem.mp3

Thank you so much!

Markz wrote on 07 May 2024 04:04:

thanks for sharing this. not sure why i haven't discovered the audio library before

Yah I've been listening to a bunch of dovs talks.

I talk to my Rebbi in a few hours, I have mixed feelings of "I can't wait" and just panic or anxiety (not the clinical anxiety)
I hope and already know it will go well.

good for you!
sounds like a good decision. good luck

jewizard21 wrote on 09 May 2024 17:48:

Gevaldig! With much Hatzlacha!

I'd second that. This is a very complex discussion on multiple fronts. There are many factors and many of the variables of your IYH future dating are yet unknown. It's great that you, jewizard, are thinking seriously about this, but it's too early to be conclusive. Hear what your experienced Rav has to say and weigh the collective experience of the GYE community. I think that the girls you will date almost certainly won't be aligned with your well-meaning intentions. You have fought and gotten yourself to the right path. Focus on building a relationship from who you are now. That could be a tremendous source of inspiration and motivation to keep fighting the good fight and stay strong.

Wishing you all the best!

So...
Second meeting with my Rebbi.
It's a lot easier and not as impactful as the first meeting but I think it is just as helpful.

This wasnt the first topic but I wanted to clear this first about telling a date.
He said that you only need to tell if it's something that you can't live without doing atleast once every couple of months. If you are past it you should not tell. (This is not an exact quote and not a psak)

I think something I am coming to notice is that my main goal right now is to make this nisoyon not a huge part of my life. As of now I feel as if it's a defining feature of myself.
I brought this up and he agreed and said that this feeling may even come along on its own as I progress in recovery.

Another problem I am having is that I don't know what to do to relieve stress and anxiety. Before I stopped porn and mainly masterbation I never reached for it specifically and consciously to deal with my stresses of life, it was more of a subconscious thing that since I would masterbate I would just regulate the stress and anxiety.
I asked him about how I can deal with this problem I am having of not being able to relax. He mentioned that one of the signs of an addict are, when you ask him what he likes to do for fun his answer is "I don't know". This is because most people learn how to relax naturally while we learnt to use porn and/or masterbation to relax.
He suggested that I start making a list of things I enjoy. Also that I need to learn to notice when I am stress and to learn how to regulate it and not just stay in the stress.

The meeting was great and I am still processing this and the other things talked about.

Thank you everyone here.

(Just a tip on something that I think helps with getting clean that I told my Rebbi off hand during this meeting. I mentioned that I didn't count the first 108 day clean streak and that even now I checkin each day but I don't think of the days, I let GYE count for me and have it in the back of my mind. 

The goal isn't to stay clean for a certain amount of days, its to stay clean as long as possible.
Don't get caught on what day but have it in mind.
It's somewhat like the Kosel, your not davening TO the wall but in the place the wall is. Don't get lost in the count, but use the count to get clean.)

I found exercise, socializing, Urge Surfing and SOBER to be good solutions to reduce stress. I found Urge Surfing, SOBER and journaling as I outlined in this post https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/401159-This-time-for-real?limit=15&start=165#405970 to be good solutions for anxiety. Although P&M give relief, they cause the negative moods to intensify later on and they add some new ones too, whereas the solutions I wrote have long-lasting effects and they can sometimes heal the stress and anxiety for good.

I'm actually not farmiliar with the SOBER method. Is that part of the F2F bc I don't remember it?
I also still need to read the battle of our generation and the GYE handbook

jewizard21 wrote on 09 May 2024 23:10:

https://app.guardyoureyes.com/toolbox/tools/sober

If you have enough coins you can download SOBER recordings by pressing on the coins in the upper right hand side of your screen.

Got it, thnx

Just an update on where I am at right now bc I haven't posted here in a while.

BH I am over 2 months clean since my last time masturbating and it's been about 6months of real progress.
Since I last posted here I have talked to Dov over the phone. I also started to make a lot of progress in making shmiras einayim and shmiras habris just something regular in my life rather than an obsession that can get overwhelming and possibly cause me to fall.

Something I am concerned about is that I might be getting too complacent with my progress and that I will/am platoue. The problem with a platoue is that if you get to close to the edge you may fall and it's just flat with no progress.
I still think I am progressing but at a slower place of course. 

My main tools are of course a filter, basic shmiras einayim, and when I get an urge I tell myself that I only need to be clean for today, after that if I still feel the urge/"mental fantasy replay" I ask myself and Hashem "please can I just be clean for today, I'm so tired and I've put in so much effort please help me here a bit more"
I also recomended Dovs talks in the Library under audio. He gives a really great perspective on this nisoyon as a whole. 

guardyoureyes.com/tools/kosher-isle/shiurim/category/dov-s-recovery-talks

Thanks,
Have a great shabbos