Hey ! Good morning all!! Let’s go for a strong day #2!!

I have been reading through this thread and I am amazed at your strength and resolve to do what is right. I can associate a bit with some of your feelings but I don't claim to truly understand your nisayon as we all are unique.I just want to share a thought and a small Dvar Torah that may help.My words are being said with a caring heart for a true brother. Please read it in that context.
My thought is something like this. I have read what you have written. i don't doubt for a second that you feel intense love for this special young lady. However,the level of love that you are expressing does seem more like infatuation than deep love.If you were to speak with the married men on here,most of us love our wives. However,that love is something that is cultivated over time and takes real work.Love that is full of excitement can often be brought on by something different than true love.It is romance (possibly mixed with lust). That is entirely different than true love. "Love at first sight" is not real love. This infatuation is really a huge nisayon to grapple with and as i said i am extremely impressed with your strength. You truly inspire me.
Yaakov worked 7 years to marry Rochel. It says that it was in his eyes like a few days because he loved her so much.That is very strange. If I love to eat a hot dog and I have to wait an hour to eat it for some reason,I wouldn't say it felt like  a few minutes because I love hot dogs so much. I would say it felt like forever because I love hot dogs so much. What does this mean? The answer is (Sorry, I don't remember the source)  that when it says Yaakov loved her it wasn't the way we use that word.It meant that he appreciated her greatness and was machshiv her. He loved "her" not what he could get from her.Therefore, it felt like he got a metzia! He only has to work 7 years to marry this great lady! Thats why it says it felt like a few days. This is real true love that we are all striving for. No,we are not there yet,but at least it is a goal to keep in mind.
I wish you all the Hatzlocha in the world and I thank you for the inspiration you have provided me in my nisyonos.
Achecha,
Lou

Hey all! Hope everyones doing good! Wow! Day #2 I had my moments today lol! Honestly feels like such a long busy day can’t even remember it anymore ... accomplished a lot Bh! Yeshiva helped me Aton to control the sadness Bh !!! This time around feels much easier Bh! The sadness hits me mainly at night but at least it’s bearable ! I miss her a lot !! WISHING I CAN HER FROM HER!!!! Wish I can hear about her day and everything !  Feels like someone is gone! But I keep reminding myself she’s there I’m just taking a healthy step away... so for it being #2 today was- FANTASTIC!!! I hope for her it is the same!!! Thank you all!!! 

I keep checking my phone maybe she reached out !!! Maybe she texted about her day !!!!! Checked it like 200 times today lol!!!! I miss her so much!!!! I can do this tho!!!! Mostly smooth and going shtark!!! Bh 

Chevra, I’m feeling lonely! I’m feeling weak it’s hitting me at night!!!! But... no way!! I just made money on eBay yay! 1,2,3 let’s jump outta bed and dance with music in my ears! No way am I giving in to this!! I’m gonna reach my goal!!! I’m determined!!! Sad or not!! 1,2,3 let’s dance!!!! Everyone come join me let’s do a tantz wooohoooo life is awesome!!! I’m doing this as I write now 1,2,3 I’m getting outta bed and dancing!!! Gonna thank hashem for everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow what a dance haha lol! I wanna hear from my love!!!! How was her day all the details I miss her sooooooo much!!! But I’m gonna get through this!! Anyone available for support now ? 

Hey, gonna get some sleep now  

Thanku hashem for gye!! for the such heartwarming support privately that I just got from one very special member!!! Thanks everyone Gnighty!

You are a wise young man. By posting in a super honest fashion "blow by blow" your emotional turmoil, you are releasing tons of tension. You are expressing the deepest feelings that most guys are afraid to be vulnerable about. Keep it up. You can b'ezras Hashem pull through this. Nobody will chas v'shalom die from this withdrawal. Simply accept it as the reality of the process in breaking out of this mess you were in. One day you will iyh look back at this thread in awe. 

Hashem Help Me wrote on 23 Dec 2020 12:25:

Wow thanks!!! I appreciate that!

Hi shtarkandemotional,

Oh, how I remember the deeply emotional days of my youth, where I got lovesick from even seeing a girl who I thought was my soulmate.  I've never had the opportunity for a relationship on the level you have, but believed I met my soulmate a few times through my teenage and early 20's.  Just having the opportunity to observe the girl for a while, her middos, refinement, (and stunning looks) got me head over heels (and mildly depressed).  Looking back years later, THANK G-D I didn't marry them!

I hate to put this to you in this way, but maybe all the spiritual growth and davening etc are all coming from the Yetzer Hora in order to make you stumble deeper.  He is very smart, and has been around for way longer than you or me.  He has tricked the best, smartest, most self-aware people.  And he's taking you down the road to ...

Please read Mishlei 5 & 7, then continue reading this post.  Your dream girl (who is probably a wonderful person) should be to you like the evil woman Shlomo Hamelech describes.  It's very hard for you to understand, but the Satan has hijacked this special girl for the purpose of ensnaring you.  The boy in Mishlei is hypnotized by the woman, and maybe he feels the same deep connection you do.  But the wise man watching is pleading with him, because he knows where this ends up. If you really love this girl, you will make the ultimate sacrifice for her. Not the stupid one of 'A Tale of Two Cities,' but rather free her from the hijacker who has turned her into a tool for someone's (yours) destruction.

Also, מים גנובים ימתקו, stolen water is sweet (Mishlei).  You are now enthralled and hypnotized by the charm of this young lady, but marriage changes everything.  It won't be the same, I guarantee it. The fairytale ending of 'they lived happily ever after' is for the fairytales.  I'm not saying that marriage is bad, but that it is a different relationship than the one you are in now, and it will be a shock and let-down.  See or hear R' Avigdor Miller on the issue, he has discussed it many times.

​You are better off marrying someone who you date under the proper parameters for the proper amount of time.  You still will not be ready for the difference marriage brings (How is marriage like a midnight phone call?  You get a ring and wake up), but your relationship beforehand will be for the purpose of marriage and not for its own sake.

It will really hurt to make the move.  Maybe it will feel harder than death.  But while many young hearts have been broken, many have been healed. הרופא לשבורי לב ומחבש לעצבותם. I'll share a tub of ice cream with you and cry with you, but will also dance with you on the best day of your life ביום חתונתו ביום שמחת לבו.

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 23 Dec 2020 05:41:

How did Reb Akiva manage being away from his beloved for 12 years?

Thistimeillwin wrote on 23 Dec 2020 15:33:

Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! Nothing too personal bro!!!  but this sounded so strong minded!!!! Woooh!!! I gotta go on a week vacation after reading such a strong post!!! I wanna ask you something, do you know my relationship to make this comment? I’m not being the guy that wants to be in denial... I’m the most self aware guy you’ll find! And YES- the yetzer hara is very smart and can be fooling all of us... now bro I have a question for you... does your comment still remain if we went to a kabbalistic rav that said this relationship has strong potential for marriage... this rav has dealt with 1000s of relationships this is his expertise! And he said it’s extremely unusual! He knew all about me and my entire past without me saying a word! But anyway that’s a side point, who cares about that for now..., is there a 1% chance that this may have a future? Or is this completely total yetzer hara?( Yes of course right now it’s a yetzer hara)! But do you agree this may have potential? What about yehuda B on this forum that married his girlfriend... what happened?!? It’s the yetzer hara?!? What about my own neighbor that was in a relationship with a girl and married her after 3 years?!? FRUM man!!! Not that this is the right and correct mehalech but cmon your telling me that this is completely a trick that’s fooling me ?!? That doesn’t make sense sorry... anyway, love is built on growth! Love is built on going through challenges with the person... being there for them in hard times being there for each other, growing together! Having good chemistry together, having many many MANY LIKE MANNNNNYYYYYYY similarities !! Like a twin from I don’t know WHERE !!! But everyone wants to say it’s infatuation OK I can’t fight the world what can I tell you guys!! Maybe I’m also infatuated with my siblings! I just bought my sister a gift and I like her so maybe I’m infatuated too! Anyway I understand your trying to bring out another point just like many others like to do! But listen, from my brain forget my heart a sec... I think this is a very logical reason to make this a shidduch knowing the similarities we have! And the future we both together dream for! I’m honestly not that dumb yes I had those days too where I saw a pretty girl and I wanted her SO BADLY! Yes!! But in this relationship it’s the insides that really count! It’s what I see in her it’s what she went through it’s what WE went through!! It’s everything I always wanted! But I can’t force you to chap! Listen bro maybe your right! But I highly doubt it! Knowing myself... and looking at my 20 year old self and 30 year old self and 40 year old self! Do I want to be with girl?!? The answer is YES! I want a girl like this to be the mother of my children !!! simple!!!! It’s not so complicated! Yes! I want a girl that understands me like no one else ever did my entire lifetime! Yes- I want a girl that’s machshiv learning the way I always wanted! Yes- to everything in her! She’s a metziah ! And I wanna end off with a bracha! Halevai, everyone looking for a shidduch should find a girl even half as good as this girl(even is he won’t be my kallah one day) and BOY will they be LUCKY! she still will always be an amazing girl such a girl with such middos with such understanding of people with such care with such everything a man needs!! Wether it be I marry her or not one day that makes no difference! In my eyes she will always be someone special that I look up to!! 

@SAM I don’t think what @thistimewillwin meant to do is to bring you down. I think rather that he tries to make you aware that there might be a possibility that after marriage things won’t be so rosy anymore.

I mean, think into it.

A women who is pregnant is not so attractive and not so wildly exotic to be around. Her hormones are skyrocketing. Her moods are mind boggling... and if not for the commitment to marriage I think a lot of us would long be out already; just from experiencing these nine difficult months. 

Ok, so now she had the child already, now she needs to rest and is weak for a good 2-3 months. 

And then the fun begins...

Changing diapers... Staying up all night... crying baby.... running to the doctor... and having a husband that needs attention. 

Now, imagine what it looks like when you have 2 kids and 3 kids and 4 and 5 and so on... 

My dear friend, this is a reality all married people here will agree with me one hundred percent. No doubts. 

In real life, marriage is way way way less rosy than you can ever imagine. 

It’s not just a lovely friendship. It’s continuous hard work. 

I once saw someone describing real life marriage as being able to live with the other persons - excuse me let’s not get graphic her but: not rosy smell from their stomach gas... 

In other words, living with a person 24/7 is very very very different than having a super close relationship with a friend. It’s just different. Fact. Of course there is love, true love, real love, but it’s not rosy, and glorious. 

Now, I’m not saying she is not your Bashert. I don’t know and I have no opinion In these matters. What I’m saying is we on the other side of the ocean - being married can tell you certain facts how it looks like when being married.

yuyu wrote on 23 Dec 2020 20:03:

OH BOY!! Haha you just snapped me out of my fantasy that I’ve been dreaming of for the past 6 months Lolol!!!! JUST KIDDING! Yes true there are many many challenges in a marriage and it’s not all about being romantic!!!! Etc etc! And things aren’t too rosy with the gigantic belly haha! And the mind boggling moods! And the crazy diapers that I’ll have to change in middle of the night 2AM cuz my wife is weak!!!! All true!!! After all I have parents lol!!!! Haha!! But i do think marriage is a growth together and a very real love and with all the challenges that it brings it builds the couple and become really meaningful... am I right? Like especially if they have good communication  a marriage my not be too rosy all the time but it can be really meaningful (I think, you can tell me if I’m wrong)! That’s why I’m saying in my relationship it’s not about the rosy ness !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s about good communication!! It’s about real love ! Learning from each other! Growing together! Etc etc etc!!! And besides think I’m a fool lol?!? There were times when things weren’t too rosy in our relationship either you think it’s SO easy to deal with a girl during her menstrual cycle/ think it’s easy to deal with a guy during his wacky craziness which all guys have THAT I had plenty we’ve seen each other in all situations!!!! , it’s a decision is this girl worth investing your life in!!! And my answer is one big FAT YES!!!!!!!! But anyway it’s irrelevant now cuz things can change over time etc!! Anyway thanks “yuyu” for clarifying!