I just joined GYE a few minutes ago... I’m a very frum Jew in yeshiva and In a relationship with a very frum girl... never thought I would be posting about this but I’m here today struggling... I’m in the midst of a very meaningful and emtional relationship... can’t learn as well nowadays... looking for anyone with similar challenges... can anyone relate?? About my relationship- it all happened accidentally... never thought talking to a girl for a few minutes can cause so many challenges...now It’s been many months... we’re both super frum and relate to each other extremely well... we share a lot a lot a lot of similarities... feels like I met my twin ... now trying not to meet in person... after meeting several times and falling with shomer negiah...can anyone relate to my situation?! Any comments ??? Please... I’m looking for support I’m a very unique guy... very emotional.. and loves learning with all my heart... I’m a big learner and want to be good.... just struggling with an intense relationship... besides that sometimes very rare I do fall to porn... and to m”zl.... looking forward to hearing from you all!!!

Just to clarify,are you from a background where it is typical to have a GF? Is this  a secret? If you are from a more yeshivish background and this is a secret I may be able to relate a bit. Different scenario but similar feelings.

Yes we’re both yeshivish background and it’s a secret!

With the years I learned that things I need to hide or lie about them are a no good thing for me.

If you feel so close and connected to this girl, how about marrying her ?
I can be your shadchan 

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 01 Dec 2020 21:09:

First, a Hartziga Shalom Aliechem! Second, may I ask you what your problem is? Meaning do you personally have or see a problem with the way things are currently?

Hey, welcome!

If all it took was a few minutes of talking, then maybe you can give advice on how to solve the shidduch crises!

I can't relate to your story but if it is an option to get married, then why not?

It's probably best to speak to someone you can trust, that knows you.
Maybe your rosh yeshiva?

All the best

Hey, welcome!

I’m gonna speak my mind abit, and please forgive me if I’m being too forward.

listen, I’m from a modern backround, I’ve had shaychus to girls...
I know it’s beyond hard to resist, especially the emotional aspect. And feeling like u got so much in common! Ah, yup I’ve been there...
But u should know the Emes, even if ur not yet holding by living with it.
The Emes is that in the long run life will be much better etc if you wait until your married/dating to engage in such a relationship (I’m not even discussing Halacha, I’m talking about Olam Hazeh).

Honestly, it’s not like I’m perfect myself, though I’ve become frummer, I’m still nichshal once in awhile and talk to a girl (though have been doing way better bh), so I’m not giving mussar, I’m just sharing my thoughts as a friend who understands...

The problem is you feel so emotionally attached/invested, and it would be so so so super insanely hard and painful to make up with her to wait/pause the relationship for the time being.
I understand buddy.
Theres different eitzos we can discuss bezras Hashem, if you’re interested...

I hope I’m not overstepping my bounds, especially since I don’t know you.

I had an encounter with a certain girl last year during an off Shabbos, Baruch HaShem we didn’t touch but it got close...
I really liked her, we were so similar etc and really “clicked.”
I wasn’t able to concentrate in Yeshiva for the next 3 months.
It killed me. I kept replaying the night over and over again in my mind thinking “if only.”

This stuff kills ones learning man.
Kills ones focus,concentration,davening etc.

Theres only one eitza.
An eitza that has caused much pain in the immediate aftermath, but much joy and serenity in hindsight.
Go cold turkey. Break it off for now.
Im speaking from personal experience.
Its super duper hard and we can shmuze about how to do it, but it’s kdie.
It’s the only mahalach man.
No other eitza.

You have a wonderful bright future ahead of you. 
Invest now in your learning 100%.
The Torah/other things can fill up the emotional void for the time being. 
Obviously there comes a time where one needs to get married, but as a buchar it’s toxic to one’s spiritual growth.
Its not worth it.

Don’t get me wrong, it could be she’s your bashert and will one day marry her!
But right now your Avoda is to invest in your Self. Your learning, davening etc,
So that when you find your bashert, whoever she may be, you will come into that marriage better prepared to build a Bayis Neeman B’Yisrael of Kedusha v’Tahara.

We’re here for you, one step at a time.

Feel free to respond/not respond at your own discretion.

YeshivaGuy

Some good advice guys!!

Here’s mine. It’s a gift and it’s free. 
Tell her to keep it in her handbag for a rainy day. Sorry you can’t buy it on Amazon. The BF and CM sales are over. 

HERE it is. 

She will love it!

Shalom,
It sounds like you need to either break it off or date her properly with a shadchan, if you are connecting, do it right, if you are not ready, cut it off and speak to a rov that you are close to about it. the Rov knows all to well about yetzer haras. I even spoke to a rosh kollel who is super scary (in a good way) about a jewish girl in my class at uni, he was very understanding and said to me, "Baruch Hashem you are a functioning male." If the rov you speak to does not understand do not give up in seeking a Rov, it just means that he is too scared to admit that he himself has yetzer haras, One of the most important things is to seek a rov and conect with him in your journey. I have even told some rabbis about my experience with a non-jew that I was overly attracted to and how I had to cut off the relationship. A tip I heard from Hagaon Rav Breitowitz is when seeking a Rov in hashkafa one needs to be able to connect to him deeply, therefore look for someone who is more affectionate and kind. I am adding that he needs to be someone who can listen to you properly. I can't stress enough that breaking secretive boundries with a rov will help you build, even though it is immensly embarassing at first, in the end iyou will finally understand what a Rov is all about.

Wow!!!! Thanku all for your support!!!! It’s amazing how we’re all here to help each other... it feels like a big family... 

There is a great video from Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky titled "The Platonic Relationship". In his very funny style he crystal clear shows why this relationship must end ASAP - obviously with gentle care and concern - but it must end. Watch and listen and you will have clarity. May Hashem give you the maturity courage and strength alnog with seichel how to do this properly and may you have tremendous hatzlocha in your learning and in all areas of your life. As an aside, it does not matter which community you are from. His points hold true even for those communities that are officially ok with boy girl relationships. 

I went through a break up with this girl... cried immensely many days... then got over it at some point but was so in need of her.. of all the love of that support of the relationship... forget it being a sexually exciting relationship... it was a relationship of growth and support being there for one and other etc etc etc... I’ve never had a friend that loved me and had a real care for me... many people can tell me I’m nogei’ah bedavar... and she doesn’t really love me and I don’t really love her... I love the pleasure they can say things like that etc... but they are simply very wrong:( so basically this is such a unique real relationship... so much support... I Daven for her so much.. and really believe in her and her greatness... this is a tip of our relationship ... so I tried tried tried and couldn’t I couldn’t take the break... so now I’m back in it again and all that hard work feels like it’s in the garbage... 

Many people when they talk about a relationship they can say all different things etc... like it’s not healthy it’s this it’s that... but all I’ll say is this- I’ve changed and grew so much since I met this girl! Not that It makes it muttar to continue but just to be aware of the type of relationship it is... she encourages me to be a better person and strengthens me etc etc etc... and I’m looking forward for in the future with hashem permitting for it... to build a bayit ne’eman beyisrael... with a lot of growth kedusha v’taharah bezH... 

Just feels like such a challenging state... such a torn matzav... cuz it’s a distraction in my life and I can’t focus and learn and here and there (rarely) we meet and even then (rarely) we slip with shomer negiah... 

When I say “break up” I mean take a break... me and her both know that In 2 years time (when we’re both dating) hashem allowing of course ... that 99% we’re getting married... i know people can say I’ve never seen other girls or whatever it may be... but I’ll say like this any relationship with an amazing communication between 2 ppl, amazing chemistry, so many similarities (I can’t stress enough SO SO SO many) perfect click, work things out together, go through challenges and hard times together, grow together, and spiritually and hashkafically so so so similar... and the list goes on and on... I think it’s A great relationship but just has to wait for marriage..