Dear All, (Me, Mevakesh and Admin)

Thank you all for your wonderful advice and chizzuk. I can truly say that it is your inspired words that are helping me haul myself onto the right track once again.

I did have a nasty fall. It was messy and I couldnt see a way out of it. When one is down in the gutter all you see is shmutz and people treading on your face. Trust me, there is no greater feeling of utter depression when you feel that you have let everyone down, most of all yourself. Like I was saying, before 9th Av, I was flying high and in full control. As soon as it was over I went into freefall, a real 'prikas ol'. I tried climbing out of the mess but fell at the very first attempt. It was like trying to climb a rung-less ladder.

I have been trying to search for the causes of my fall. After all, I have everything good in life B'H. I am very happily married, lovely children, good job etc etc b'h. Then i came to the realisation that there are two main reasons why this was happening to me.

1) I am human and male. The very two attributes and ingredients for the Yetzer Hara to ply his evil trade.

2) I was quite severely sexually abused by my cheder school rebbes/camp madrichim/fellow bochorim/peers and yeshiva students as a child.

I know that others will have suffered too at the hands of these despicable people but, I as a young boy went through hell and I mean real hell with the abuse. I have never done anything about it and never addressed it. My wife knows nothing about it.

I am also very aware that although the above is painfull to recall, noone is put through a test in life that he/she cannot handle. I am positive that Hashem made me go through what i went through in order that i can help others and make other people aware of issues that are otherwise sealed and kept in the Heimishe taboo closet. I believe that in the best and most dignified way i can help due to my personal experiences.

I'm not looking for excuses. I'm not looking for ways out of this. I know that ultimately, I have the bechira to do what is right and what is wrong. The trick is self control. I just need to keep telling myself this.....

Thanks again for all your help and good advice!

Menachem

 

Menachem,

#2 is the reason, not #1. You are not going to heal sexual abuse by yourself.  There is a much faster way and that is with group experiential therapy.  You might need to seriously think about going away for a week or 2 to a treatment center.  If they don't have one in the UK, there are plenty in the US.  I went to one in Nashville, TN  called onsite (onsiteworkshops.com) for a week during last Tisha B?v and have been sober for over a year, with one slip, ever since.  It is scary and a very intense process, but well worth it. 

I am wondering, if you have a good marriage, why wouldn't you tell your wife what happened and she can help you get through it. Again, on the advice of a certified counselor.

In the meantime, do yourself a favor and get these two books.  They will open your eyes, mind and ears to what has happened and why you continue this action - because of the abuse.

One is "Betrayal Bonds" by Patrick Carnes.  The other is "Healing the Shame" by John  Bradshaw.
If you can't find them in the UK, I'll send them to you.  That's how important it is, right now for you.

Anyone else reading this who has been though, sexual, physical, emotional or intellectual abuse, do yourself a favor and get them today.  What's intellectual abuse?  When you ask a rebbi or teacher a question like "why" do we do that and the response is , "don't worry about why, just do it, don't ask such stupid questions.  that's intellectual abuse.  Sound familiar.  In my high school, kids were told that if their mother didn't wear a shaitel she would burn in hell.  Again, abusive.  So many young people have turned away from Yiddishkeit from this type of abuse and it is rampant today in our society.

A