Got 2nd vaccine shot today. Spent most of my day driving back and forth.
I had to stay in my room the last few days to avoid getting sick before the shot.
That was very very rough.................

They say I should expect fever in the morning for a few days, so we’ll see what happens.

Bh I didn’t need to go to a certain wedding tonight which would have many pretty girls..............

Trying to keep positive that I can still accomplish in the next two weeks left of zman. And I’m trying to keep in mind that life is a long journey, with ups and downs...

Im in touch with my therapist bh, and things are pretty good Baruch HaShem in the mental health arena.

Day 180 I’m going to celebrate, B’ezras HaShem. Gotta keep marching forward on this path, despite pot holes I’ve dug enroute.

Have a great Night!

YeshivaGuy 

10xחי!
Let us know how you celebrated!

Bad fever, chills etc etc.
The Yetzer had a great idea.
If I masterbate/start instigating my Taiva, then I’ll get warmer!
Amazing! Even when I can barely move it still attacks...

Hatzlochaaa

YeshivaGuy wrote on 04 Mar 2021 21:35:

Been there when I got my second shot. Hang in there! The good news is that it passes within 12 hours.

Been having an amazing two days in learning, davening etc etc.

Havent been using the iPhone so much.
Lay down in bed with it for a moment.
Got an “idea” to find the restrictions code.
It worked.
Been nichshal on YouTube for the last 1.5 hours.

Didnt masterbate, that was difficult to withstand., and I am proud of that. But I will not allow that to cloud the grave breach in my Kedusha that I have just committed.

Im keeping the number streak as a Masterbating count.
But this was an outright fall on the Shmiras eynayim front.
For Shmiras Eynayim we’re at day zero.
Theres no way to spin this good, and I will not try to do so.

Kabola: Though I’ve been doing a good job with only using this phone for what’s needed and using my dumb phone as my primary phone, this still isn’t worth it.
Next zman I won’t bring this phone at all, I won’t even keep it in another friends room or even a dif dorm building.
I will do banking on my friends laptop and will bring a GPS.

Yetzer: So when will u ever be able to deal with technology?
Me: you call this dealing with technology?! That’s not my concern right now.

Rabboisai, I do not look down at myself. I do regret what I did, however I beleive that this is unfortunately usually the result when one, in one moment, gets unfiltered access.
But I do not and shall never justify.
I have taivos.
I thought I had a system that worked, and indeed it did work, for a few months.
However I have now seen my error, and humbly request from all of you, my fellow brothers, and from HaShem Yisborach, a seacond chance.

In Yevamos 2nd seder I’m learning the end of the 8th perek about the dinim of Bitul. Very hard stuff, and I will soon go to my chavrusa 1.5 hours late.
And as I sit there in a gaze, may HaShem see the inner yearning of my neshama to be Mevatel myself and all of my Retzonos to the Ratzon of Avinu Shebashamayim.

With faint hope,

YeshivaGuy 

Edit: I just messaged my dad what I did and how I got the restrictions code. My friend will make a new code until I go home, and I already told my dad I’m not bringing this back.
Wasnt the easiest to confess to my dad, but that’s what we do fellas

Amazing!

You should go from strength to strength!

Your an example for all of us here.

Keep strong!

Keep up the good work 
Im impressed by the nuance of how you’re looking at it. Regret together with  self acceptance. 

(Too scared to post this so I’ll put it in parentheses, After I did the last post I was nichshal more until my friend came from the bais at which point I called him and changed code... I went and got a massive cup of frozen yogurt for dinner, and now feeling withdrawal from not watching more zachen. Oyyy it’s like drinking sand, doesn’t quench the thirst.)

I need help

What do you need help with?

YeshivaGuy wrote on 09 Mar 2021 00:57:

Ooh I was getting worried you went crazy with some ToughSics or Cold showers...

Good to see you’re normal. 
I love your posts and watching your progress. 
You’ve come a long way. 
No worries.
Keep on Trucking. 

How much does it cost to FedEx it home?
2 days in yeshiva without it is worth the few bucks...

Here's an idea. Have your Dad change the icloud password to your apple account and then report the phone lost and change the iphone password remotely.

Don't consider it a fall. It is a Yeridah Ltzorach Aliyah. It taught you a lesson. Keep up the good work. I'm extremely amazed by you.

lionking wrote on 09 Mar 2021 05:01:

Thanks for the eitza and the kind words.
Amazed? Not sure what’s so amazing, but thanks...
Yerida ltzorech aliya still means it was a yerida. Meaning, even if I use this to do better, this is still bad, just trying to keep clarity in my mind.

Thanks!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 09 Mar 2021 03:44:

Here’s the pshat: So my friend had put in a new restrictions code.
Later on, after fantasizing,wishing i could get “another chance,” and ignoring the eitza of my friend To “close my eyes and run to the bais,” I saw that for some reason the new code didn’t register and there was still the old code which I knew.
At which point I thought it would be a great time to do teshuva, but I squandered that, was nichshal more for almost an hour.

As I edged closer to Masterbating, and glued to my bed, with my last breath I pressed “call” on my dear friend Zedj.
He stayed on the phone with me until my roommate returned from Maariv at which point I got him to again put in a new code.

After he put in the new code I began walking away but then I thought to insure it registered and I saw it still didn’t!
So we figured out the problem, and Bh now all is good.

After tons of frozen yogurt (16$ worth!), a Fresca and a bag of chips, coupled with today’s shindig, I’m feeling pretty gross...

And now, at this moment, the tzadik Ish M’Grodno, without knowing what was going on, gave me a call!
Ah! A glimmer of hope.

But just a glimmer...

Edit: Made a deal with Ish M’Grodno to do zero internet browsing until The new zman (this includes the vital and exciting time of being home).
I am thankful to all of the very special tzadikim and true chaveirim here.

With now a ray of hope,

 YeshivaGuy 

I’m doing great, Baruch HaShem.
Trying to end the zman strong and get into the sugyos.
Hatzlocha and thanks for the continued support