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Re: Make it to Yeshiva 15 Nov 2022 01:08 #387733

  • teshuvahguy
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 14 Nov 2022 05:19:
Dear friends,

Everything is so confusing, painful etc.
I see no purpose in my day to day activities and run around all day, but for what?

This excerpt from a poem of mine written a few years ago came to mind. I’ll share it below, describes how I’m feeling:


“Is there worth to life that lives
With pain and with strife?
For what does Man arise each day
What is the point of life?

Why is life so miserable 
Can no smile last?
Digging digging in my grave
Seeking to cast all past

Know- life is not meant to be
Of both joy and thrill
Nor does pain now justify
To run away and kill

Man exists to ride the waves
Of ones pain and strife
Crowned with faith- a smile sprouts
This is the point of life

Every arrow has its source
Shot by One who loves
The injured bird will fly again
With help from up above

Every piece remains a part
Let Ice burn again
These Bricks of Pain do build a Man
Who lives with Hashem”

Please oh please, help me.
And yes, on Tuesday night I went onto a pornography website but for a moment. (Had never done so before)
Was disgusting and yes I am terrified of the future.
Where I stay during the week I have this laptop I had planned to use but I’m not so stopped paying for the filter and that’s what I had used.
I’m terrified and feel doomed to fall.
I recall countless conversations with friends describing similar feelings after they first went on such a site but that they eventually fell deep down.

Hashem don’t let that be me!!

YeshivaGuy



Wow. Beautiful. It won’t be you…you have worked too hard. You got a glimpse of the ugliness. Don’t let it suck you in. If you do it may own you and then everything is harder. Put it in the past. Lesson learned. Don’t look back. We are ALL here for you. You know that, I’m sure ❤️

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 15 Nov 2022 01:16 #387734

  • teshuvahguy
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 14 Nov 2022 05:19:
Dear friends,

Everything is so confusing, painful etc.
I see no purpose in my day to day activities and run around all day, but for what?

This excerpt from a poem of mine written a few years ago came to mind. I’ll share it below, describes how I’m feeling:


“Is there worth to life that lives
With pain and with strife?
For what does Man arise each day
What is the point of life?

Why is life so miserable 
Can no smile last?
Digging digging in my grave
Seeking to cast all past

Know- life is not meant to be
Of both joy and thrill
Nor does pain now justify
To run away and kill

Man exists to ride the waves
Of ones pain and strife
Crowned with faith- a smile sprouts
This is the point of life

Every arrow has its source
Shot by One who loves
The injured bird will fly again
With help from up above

Every piece remains a part
Let Ice burn again
These Bricks of Pain do build a Man
Who lives with Hashem”

Please oh please, help me.
And yes, on Tuesday night I went onto a pornography website but for a moment. (Had never done so before)
Was disgusting and yes I am terrified of the future.
Where I stay during the week I have this laptop I had planned to use but I’m not so stopped paying for the filter and that’s what I had used.
I’m terrified and feel doomed to fall.
I recall countless conversations with friends describing similar feelings after they first went on such a site but that they eventually fell deep down.

Hashem don’t let that be me!!

YeshivaGuy



@yeshivaguy, your poem expresses pain but is really so filled with wisdom about what life is really like for a Jew. What our life purpose is. I see a lot of hope in those lines. Can you share what, right now, is confusing and so painful? What is driving your sense of purposelessness? You are kind of a legend to me on this site, you share such wise advice and such, and I really want to be here for you. How can I help?

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 15 Nov 2022 04:25 #387744

  • Markz
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My brother YG,

I was blown away by what Cord’ wrote a few days ago. I didn’t see your Thank You on it which tells me you definitely didn’t see it yet.

Check it out and let me know what you think (if you like :-)

guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin?limit=15&start=1560#387538
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Re: Make it to Yeshiva 16 Nov 2022 14:48 #387795

  • yeshivaguy
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Markz wrote on 15 Nov 2022 04:25:
My brother YG,

I was blown away by what Cord’ wrote a few days ago. I didn’t see your Thank You on it which tells me you definitely didn’t see it yet.

Check it out and let me know what you think (if you like :-)

guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin?limit=15&start=1560#387538

Will do. Thanks

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 16 Nov 2022 14:49 #387797

  • yeshivaguy
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Teshuvahguy wrote on 15 Nov 2022 01:16:

YeshivaGuy wrote on 14 Nov 2022 05:19:
Dear friends,

Everything is so confusing, painful etc.
I see no purpose in my day to day activities and run around all day, but for what?

This excerpt from a poem of mine written a few years ago came to mind. I’ll share it below, describes how I’m feeling:


“Is there worth to life that lives
With pain and with strife?
For what does Man arise each day
What is the point of life?

Why is life so miserable 
Can no smile last?
Digging digging in my grave
Seeking to cast all past

Know- life is not meant to be
Of both joy and thrill
Nor does pain now justify
To run away and kill

Man exists to ride the waves
Of ones pain and strife
Crowned with faith- a smile sprouts
This is the point of life

Every arrow has its source
Shot by One who loves
The injured bird will fly again
With help from up above

Every piece remains a part
Let Ice burn again
These Bricks of Pain do build a Man
Who lives with Hashem”

Please oh please, help me.
And yes, on Tuesday night I went onto a pornography website but for a moment. (Had never done so before)
Was disgusting and yes I am terrified of the future.
Where I stay during the week I have this laptop I had planned to use but I’m not so stopped paying for the filter and that’s what I had used.
I’m terrified and feel doomed to fall.
I recall countless conversations with friends describing similar feelings after they first went on such a site but that they eventually fell deep down.

Hashem don’t let that be me!!

YeshivaGuy



@yeshivaguy, your poem expresses pain but is really so filled with wisdom about what life is really like for a Jew. What our life purpose is. I see a lot of hope in those lines. Can you share what, right now, is confusing and so painful? What is driving your sense of purposelessness? You are kind of a legend to me on this site, you share such wise advice and such, and I really want to be here for you. How can I help?

Thank you for your kind words, concern, and care.
I’m struggling to find meaning in my daily life, don’t have much time to write, will elaborate

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 16 Nov 2022 14:53 #387799

  • yeshivaguy
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Rare good news: Last night I had to log into online for report cards that are due. It wasn’t working on my filtered iphone and it’s due today. So last night my only other option was to go on an unfiltered laptop which I’ve been nichshal with in the past.

Instead I Emailed the menahel, told him the issue with the site on my phone and said I don’t have access to another laptop so will complete in the morning.
And it’s indeed true because I don’t have mutar access to an unfiltered laptop!

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 16 Nov 2022 17:22 #387803

  • chancy
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Good for you! This is bigger then you think. 
You have successfully convinced yourself that you are string enough to withstand a lot of pressure and not give in. 
Now you build on that strength and use it against everything the YH wants you to do. 
You have the strength to do what you really want to do with your life and not drown in tuma. 
The first steps are 1. Knowing that you really want most of us know 1,000% that shmutz is NOT what we want! Some people are not convinced yet and struggle with that for a long time, but once you know for sure it gets easier. 
2. Knowing that you can fight the YH. 
It looks like you have the told already so go out there and win!

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 16 Nov 2022 21:56 #387827

  • gevura shebyesod
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 16 Nov 2022 14:53:
Rare good news: Last night I had to log into online for report cards that are due. It wasn’t working on my filtered iphone and it’s due today. So last night my only other option was to go on an unfiltered laptop which I’ve been nichshal with in the past.

Instead I Emailed the menahel, told him the issue with the site on my phone and said I don’t have access to another laptop so will complete in the morning.
And it’s indeed true because I don’t have mutar access to an unfiltered laptop!

A+!
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל


"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."
"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."
- General Grant


My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 18 Nov 2022 03:18 #387917

  • yeshivaguy
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Was nichshal about an hour ago with YouTube bud/masterbation.
Cuz called filter to momentarily get AppStore for an app.

Fixed the heter and I ran to this new initiative I’ve decided to start in my life.
Learning b’Iyun at night in a Chabura of Bnei Torah.

Really feel like will help with me feeling sipuk in life, not lonely etc etc.

Made set chavrusa for mondays and Thursdays with a night iyun shiur after Seder by a big Talmud Chacham.
Tonight was my first night.
Feels pretty uncomfortable going to a night seder for “working folk,” and I still refuse to call myself “no longer in yeshiva,” “past Yeshiva years” etc.
Definitely part of the shame I feel…
But would definitely be atzas hayetzer and straight out stupidity to not join this night Chabura  because I don’t wanna be like other workin folk.

May this be my tikkun and the impetus towards acquiring the life that is mine to own.

YeshivaGuy
Last Edit: 18 Nov 2022 03:27 by yeshivaguy.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 18 Nov 2022 10:13 #387934

  • frank.lee
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Amazing!
you may want to let your filter company know when you find loopholes so they can fix them up for everyone...

I understand your feelings of pain about not being in yeshiva. I look at it differently, I also did some Klei Kodesh things when I was single. Was not in a yeshiva as a student for some time. But I always considered myself a Ben yeshiva, because I did not leave the world of learningTorah. For me teaching is learning... I hope that maybe can help your self identify.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 18 Nov 2022 17:33 #387953

  • gevura shebyesod
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As long as learning is a central part of your life, you will always be a Yeshiva Guy.
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל


"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."
"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."
- General Grant


My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 18 Nov 2022 17:39 #387954

  • teshuvahguy
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 18 Nov 2022 03:18:
Was nichshal about an hour ago with YouTube bud/masterbation.
Cuz called filter to momentarily get AppStore for an app.

Fixed the heter and I ran to this new initiative I’ve decided to start in my life.
Learning b’Iyun at night in a Chabura of Bnei Torah.

Really feel like will help with me feeling sipuk in life, not lonely etc etc.

Made set chavrusa for mondays and Thursdays with a night iyun shiur after Seder by a big Talmud Chacham.
Tonight was my first night.
Feels pretty uncomfortable going to a night seder for “working folk,” and I still refuse to call myself “no longer in yeshiva,” “past Yeshiva years” etc.
Definitely part of the shame I feel…
But would definitely be atzas hayetzer and straight out stupidity to not join this night Chabura  because I don’t wanna be like other workin folk.

May this be my tikkun and the impetus towards acquiring the life that is mine to own.

YeshivaGuy

You are always a Yeshiva guy because you have been a yeshiva guy and continue to learn. You never have to give up that title. It’s also ok to embrace the life of someone who also works. But you can be a “yeshiva guy” who works! Is that a thing? I’m a BT so never went to yeshiva. My loss. If it’s not a thing, you can be a trailblazer!!
Last Edit: 18 Nov 2022 17:41 by teshuvahguy.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 30 Nov 2022 06:40 #388566

  • yeshivaguy
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No intro.
I won’t explain.
Very close to meeting someone in person, real none jewish girl.
Not getting into more right now.

Told her I’m Jewish so we can’t touch, marry etc so won’t work…
So she said we can just be “good friends.”
Not writing more right now.
Yes I know.
Help me to not ruin my life cuz she lives 15 min away and I’ll give in…

Send mussar but only positive mussar.
This happened just now when I began entering into a deeper more painful part of my trauma..
Gn

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 30 Nov 2022 06:58 #388570

YeshivaGuy wrote on 30 Nov 2022 06:40:
No intro.
I won’t explain.
Very close to meeting someone in person, real none jewish girl.
Not getting into more right now.

Told her I’m Jewish so we can’t touch, marry etc so won’t work…
So she said we can just be “good friends.”
Not writing more right now.
Yes I know.
Help me to not ruin my life cuz she lives 15 min away and I’ll give in…

Send mussar but only positive mussar.
This happened just now when I began entering into a deeper more painful part of my trauma..
Gn

Hey YG. Think of how far you’ve come, how many battles you’ve fought, how much effort you’ve invested into beating this monster. Don’t give into it now! You’ve climbed a mountain higher than Everest-don’t willingly throw yourself off back to the bottom! 

YOU CAN DO THIS! 
"It ain't about how hard you hit.
It's about how hard you can GET hit,
and keep moving forward,
how much you can TAKE,
and keep moving forward.
That's how winning is done!"

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 30 Nov 2022 12:37 #388576

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You are too great for this buddy. Such she'ifos in life. Such bikush. A diamond like you belongs in a protective vessel, not in a cesspool. She will never appreciate you. Say no. Hakadosh Boruch Hu will have immense nachas beyond our comprehension and imagination.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

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