YeshivaGuy wrote on 30 Aug 2022 00:42:

Generally I find your posts extremely relatable, but this one and the previous one took it to the next level. Been going through this same transition myself for the past year and hopefully getting a more serious job, although I will still try to learn half a day.

The grief over the idealized version of oneself that did not materialize is sharp and acute, and perhaps will stay with us throughout our lives. But learning to have faith in the G-d that put us in this state probably helps a lot . (I wouldn’t know…yet).

I don't know if this is an accepted hashkafa in the Yeshiva world, but Chassidus teaches (based on a medrash, I believe) that even though we have bechira chofshis, ultimately the yeridos we have in Avodas Hashem (I think this includes not maximizing our potential) are all part of Hashem's plan for us. I haven't fully intenalized this idea but it does give me some comfort. Anyways the pain and shame is still there...

Also the anxiety about how this will impact shidduch prospects is also very real.

Thanks for sharing, as צרת רבים-חצי נחמה.

Sending you hugs and best wishes for success and self-acceptance.
May you continue to be an unending reservoir of strength and inspiration for me and probably many others,

Regarding the fall I’ll be honest though uncomfortable.

I’ve been using LinkedIn, thought it’s a good way to network as I was looking for jobs etc.
I know guys/girls look at people profiles on it for shidduchim, kinda like a yeshivish social media.

And yes I did look up tons and tons of women sending invites to connect and have been enjoying the thrill whenever someone accepts.
And yes I’ve been making out my weekly maximum of friend requests.

I have actually gained a lot from it but it’s been the impetus for my falls to say the least.
And this is without even speaking with the girls, just seeing who they are, there pics, and especially seeing that they checked out my profile.

Also it was my first week in an urban place so more pritzus.

There’s the context.

OivedElokim Thank you for this post. The honesty touched me, I relate to it albeit in different contexts. Some self acceptance we can all use.... 

P.s. Didn't hear from you in some time... Nice to see you again.

Once I was honest I’ll be honest again.

I’ve lied to you all and to myself.
The filter setting I’ve had allowed me to request a site (not porn sites but YouTube etc) to be allowed, give them a code (which I know) and then would be open.

I’ve said that’s a filter.
I’ve told myself that’s a filter.
But it’s not.
The last like 5 months I’ve been nichshal that’s been the way.

I knew the issue but procrastinated dealing with it.
That ends now with my admittance to you all now.
After being nichshal now again, I contacted the filter to take away that setting (which they’d done in the past).

I apologize to you all for my lack of transparency and hope to face the reality of my circumstances and thereby grow in a truly meaningful way.

Edit: I deleted the LinkedIn app. Hard but I did it. 

YeshivaGuy

Update: As stated, I emailed the filter to make the change. They emailed me back saying they did it but I saw it wasn’t changed.
Definitely a nisayon to say “ok I tried,” but instead I got on the phone and changed it.
Was hard but I did it.

Additionaly, as you know I’m teaching classes.
I’ll be showing videos to help with one of the lessons and will need to use YouTube.
It would make things so so much easier to have YouTube on my phone as I have no given curriculum, am doing this all on my own and it’s science which I don’t know (a neis that I got such a job without a degree etc..).

Nonetheless I am keeping YouTube blocked and the change on the filter I made ensures it will remain that way.
Even though the filter offers a “filtered version” of YouTube, it’s not כדאי.

Yes it will make things harder.
Yes I am nervous about this.
But the same GD who has lead me thus far with such direct Hashgacha will help me again.
The teachers room has laptops and it’s all public bh.

Have a Gut Shabbos and please hold me to what I’ve committed to if I chalila deviate.

YeshivaGuy

DO you know which videos you will need beforehand? If so, there are a couple of ways to prepare these videos beforehand and not need to view them directly through youtube. I dont recall specifically, but i remember seeing ways to download videos or view them through a miror video that doesnt allow you to go back to youtube.

Not to say I dont believe you can take this on but why make more challenges

Update: B’kitzur, things have been horrible.

Been watching tons of porn and masterbating.

Had massive fight with my dad motzei shabbos which led to me breaking down crying like nuts for a bunch of hours about being abused and them not being there for me.

Horrific and painful and hard to move on.



Pretty weak etc, parents bh are more understanding now. Should prob go to therapy again together.

Was hoping this was mostly behind me that I can move on.



Unbearable pain obv has led me to more porn/masterbating.

How have access?

Getting through filter loopholes etc.

Idk anymore, there’s really always a way and with this job it’s not shayach to ditch this phone rn.



Also I said how I’m such a tzadik for not having youtube on my iPhone but meanwhile brought a laptop which haven’t put a filter yet.

And have been badly nichshal once already.



So so much going on.

Trying to keep the job stable, teaching Torah and conveying real yosodos in hashkafa to these highschool kids for 4/5 hours a day.

But everything’s falling apart around me.



And btw, haven’t heard shofar yet even… So basically I’m a wreck and don’t see a way out.



Please comment, I want you too. but please don’t be too harsh because I’m in a lot of pain.



Guy

Sounds really hard.

Don’t beat yourself up - you’re doing the best you can in the circumstances thrown at you. Keep your chin up!!

YG , I recall when I went from Kollel to the workplace it was a massive change , I needed a smartphone,there was bad middos, loshon horah, infighting , potential for dishonesty , much more contact with women, less time to learn and daven properly. And while no two working environments are the same there’s obviously a bigger challenge in kedusha and keeping a strong avodas Hashem.Not only are you dealing with that , as you mentioned your in an enormous amount of pain from past traumas. I salute you for taking the time to write here , I think that’s a powerful statement , you’re true self is screaming out , perhaps it’s a cry for help. Know that I and from what I understand , many others are here for you .I would suggest to have a friend to talk about work and any challenges that come up there,as a way to prevent yourself from losing focus .
Lots of love and prayers, hope to hear good things from you.

Where can i come meet you to give you a bear hug buddy?  

YeshivaGuy wrote on 13 Sep 2022 02:56:

Godspeed to you. Life can suck.

From readin' your story, it is my humble opinion that you should forget about the porn, masturbation, talkin' to girls, lookin' at their cleavage, etc. It should not be on your radar at all! Get a hold of your life. Make a schedule, stick to it, accomplish what you need to, work with your therapist on all your emotions and feelin's, and when time comes that all that stuff has settled down, work on your sex addiction, but not until then. If you have trouble prayin' on the High Holy Days, for you went thru 2.5 boxes of tissues since the onset of Selichos, tell God my name and HHM's (not that he agrees with me) and then pray on for His revealin' of His Glorious Kingdom - the sticky stuff is on me/us.

cordnoy wrote on 13 Sep 2022 13:41:

I am in full agreement. Just i would add that your comment "and when time comes that all that stuff has settled down, work on your sex addiction, but not until then", should say "and at least 6 months after all that stuff has settled down, work on your sexual issues...."

YeshivaGuy wrote on 13 Sep 2022 02:56:

Yeshiva Guy -
i feel your pain.   please don't be too harsh on yourself either.  When things seem bleekest and toughest is when every small effort that you do is worth so much more.  I agree with Cordnoy - put the sex addiction aside for now. Don't look at this as a failure.  This is simply strategic planning.  You are being challenged in many ways right now.  One thing at a time you will grow and you will get though it.

You will always be Yeshiva Guy to us no matter how down you might be feeling.

heartfelt best wishes
vehkam

So sorry to hear Guy :'(

It is indeed really painful.

Your eyes are clouded in darkness, you only see darkness right now.

But the darkness is somewhat of an illusion, created by the sitra achra to make you think that all is lost, after all, that is his end goal, to make us think that it's over and all is lost.

In reality, this darkness is part of the process, a process to bring you to great heights, a process that HKB"H entrusted with you and did not entrust with many others. It's a special process.

Right now it's dark, but the end game is light, just don't lose sight of that. That is all that is required of you, not to lose sight of the light and not to give up the fight.

Much Hatzlacha

I dont know yes or no about putting it entirely to the side (though those in favor all far far outweigh me), might make it harder afterwards to bounce back, but yeah, you have plenty other things to focus on and dont beat yourself up so much. You do what you can do. What for right now you are able to do.And when you are able, you know you can return to what you really can be. You're not a wreck, you're just in one and it makes you feel like a wreck till you can put yourself back together.
Just being able to write here is a huge thing.You think you're lsot yourself but you haven't.

It sounds incredibly hard, but it also sounds like a transitionary period. And as hard as those are, they are also a comfort becuase things are changing. And they will change, will improve. Kol Techilos Kashos, ups and downs and there's a lot to pull through before you get there. But you will get there. Things fall apart, but with Hashem's help it's so they can be better rebuilt. When issues from the past come up, it's all part of the same process. So you know where these things lie and you can move forward. Not leaving them lurking as you start a new period. It's awful But it must be worth it because your future it worth it for you and for us.

Did you feel better after what happened motzei shabbos? You sound like it was cathartic.

As for your teaching, I'd say youre in a good position now to relate and be real. Or maybe dont show that side, I can't say.
I'm being very wishy-washy, aren't I? I want to help you, I just dont know what to say. Please keep in touch. We care about you.