Things have been going great thanks GD.
I dealt with a bunch of errands I had to do that had been giving me anxiety, and have been fulfilling my daily goals.

This morning though, two random ***holes said nasty remarks to me about having not seen me around so often, and did so in loud voices in front of a bunch of people.

Lets just say I didn’t respond how I wanted to.

I’m literally doing my avoda, I’ve begun learning again, davening, facing GD again. It’s like I’m learning to walk anew.
But I’m encountered by people doubting me.

Even one of my rebbium, who I’m close to, didn’t think I should remain in this yeshiva, and when I approached him tonight to talk he said “are you still here?”
He meant it innocently, I know, but it hurt.
And it hurts so so much and really *isses me off when people I walk by keep saying “welcome back!”
When really I’ve freakin been here! It’s so so terribly frustrating, and then people say “so you’re back?”
And I’ve said different things to different people, just really *issess me off and knocks me down.

And now I’m gonna pick up the mashgiach from somewhere tomorrow, so he’ll speak to me about going at my own pace, not having pressure etc, but then he’ll drive me nuts calling me constantly and being on my back.

I also reached out today to someone about a trauma therapy group which killed me.

Long story short, after doing a pretty good job till now with these emotions, I buckled and was nichshal.

I had a good davening tonight though, first time in awhile, feels lonely, like the world is doubting me…

I swallowed my pride and went to a much lower level shiur this zman because it’s less intense and it’s what I need to begin my ascent.
But it’s so embarrassing telling rebbium/friends and random people it when they ask.
I look like some confused nebach.
And taking *rap from those in the shiur I’m in now about not being as “Shtark” makes me wanna tear them apart.

Confused but determined,

YeshivaGuy

Ps. To make matters worse, yesterday was leg day in my workout schedule so I’m in tons of pain. And the Yeshiva had these cookies by dinner which weren’t even good but I had a bunch of them. Petty stuff but still it adds up.

I feel heavy for you reading this. That's so hard.... 

Your determination to succeed and push forward and your devotion to authentic Avodas Hashem in the face of all the challenges Hashem gave you is a real inspiration to me (and probably many others). There's a reason the first seif in Shulchan Aruch includes this line


It's a tremendous Yesod in Avodah as well as in life to not let (our perceptions) of other people's opinions stop us from doing what's in our own best interests (like you recently told me in a different context...) Needless to say it is extremely difficult to implement. You seem to be putting it into practice, although your emotions are lagging behind (יש לחקור if  לא יתבייש is telling us how to act or how to feel-perhaps both...). I am very moved by your courage (and hopefully it will rub off on me as well..) Eventually people will respect you for that, and see you for who you are- a fighter, and Eved Hashem and a unstoppable force of everything good and holy. 

With much respect and admiration,
OivedElokim

Incredibly inspiring to read this. It made me think of the life of Dovid Hamelech who was debased by so many in his life, even those closest to him. While it may be painful for you to learn in a "lower level" shiur, what you are accomplishing in the olam ha'emes is true greatness. You are a special person, stay strong and continue to rise

You write beautifully and are very inspiring to the rest of us. Nobody has the exact same story as someone else, and how our challenges manifest themselves can be very different, but i assume you ignite a hopeful spark in anyone reading your posts. 

As careful as we are, we are sometimes "guilty" of comments to friends that are insensitive. And oftentimes we really meant well. It has already been written about numerous times how a childless couple can be hurt by being purposely avoided when a friend has a child, while another childless couple appreciates such a hanhaga. It all depends on the listener's perspective and mood - both things that only a ba'al ruach hakodesh would know...

Your resilience, and courageous "picking up the pieces" and moving forward is the stuff of heroes. When your rebbeim and therapists advise you to proceed with dating and marriage, some young lady will iyh be very fortunate to find such a mentsch.

Trying to hold back from being nichshal tonight
Got pritzus on my phone managed to delete it but having trouble deleting it from the trash so I still have it, idk

YeshivaGuy wrote on 22 May 2022 06:06:

What don't you know? (idk)

Fell.

Tonight was feeling very lonely. Drove in the Jewish community around my Yeshiva, saw families in homes etc and was yearning for such a thing.
Went out for pizza with a friend to feel good but was nichshal still.
It’s a difficult time as friends of mine are dating, some even are engaged or married, and I am working on these inyanim instead.
Bh I’ve seen life altering success in the last year but it’s still hard. I have no safeik that I’m making the right decision and my therapist/rebbium agree 100%.
But still it’s hard.
That I’ve had such a transformation in the last year makes me hopeful that in the not too distant future I can date and with my inner pain less consuming, get past porn/masterbation.
Its no coincidence that me falling from 198 clean days and falling repeatedly coincided with working on trauma.

I need to patch the self made hole in my filter.
When I left yeshiva etc I got back an iPhone, at that time I needed it as a distraction etc, but I think now I’m past that and it’s no longer a tool to help me but rather bad for me.

Either way, the yesod is healthy outlets, and proper gedarim on the phone etc. 

Ill discuss with my therapist (who’s frum Ben Torah) about where I’m at now and whether I’m back at the point where I don’t need this as a distraction for my mental health and could discard.
Either way though I must implement the gedarim.

I also need to call HHM who I have delayed getting back to.

A big part of me being nichshal is that while in bed tonight I was freaking out that I have no money for things and my parents don’t have anything and I’m not making enough money this summer, so honestly I just wanted to numb the pain and anxiety.

Spoke to my Rebbi who I thought wouldn’t value where I’m at and but I was complywrong bh. It was amazing, really good to have his support.
But still it’s hard, so many ppl say nasty things knowingly and unknowingly.
Its so hard to keep my head up and to truly believe that I have a future life, let alone a present life, worth living.
I don’t even know why I am fighting, why I’m trying to return to Yeshiva/learning/frumkeit and why I even want to live.

Confused and deficient,

YeshivaGuy

@YeshivaGuy, I would like to see you posting more about what you do well.

I don't think it's important to post about every fall. The falls are not important. 

Dude, live life! What is your life? Fall, fall, fell, fell, nichshal, taivah..........

Tell us about recovery, about progress, about what is working, what is going well. There surely is positive. We will embrace you even if you do well, don't worry. 

From now on I will give you a karma for every positive post I see from you and take one away for every negative one (max one a day). But you got to get some more positive energy into your life, at least the way you are making it out to be here. It's almost as if you think if you are happy, the GYE community will exile you! 

I hope this wont rub the wrong way.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 22 May 2022 06:53:

Amazing. Thank you very much.
It bothers me though, as I am doing well there’s this whole side of me that is consistently doing bad and worse and it’s frightening.
How can I focus on good when I’m falling apart?
How can I smile when there’s porn running through my mind on replay? 

You’re right though, I know you’re right. I just don’t know how to live with my emotions, how to live with myself, how to accept my failures and faults and yet strive for more.

A good thing I did? I went to mincha b’tzibur today and didn’t feel anxiety.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 22 May 2022 06:39:

Well stam, I don’t know a lot of things.
What I was saying was idk if I can overcome and idk if I want to overcome.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 22 May 2022 06:53:

You have been formerly outvoted
YG is free to share whatever and whenever!!!!

Here’s something positive for those who are into that kinda stuff
Despite waking up late, despite reusing a pair of underwear cuz gotta do laundry, despite not having prepared the Gemara and my stomach hurting etc, I am still gonna leave my room now and go to shiur.

Hope y’all enjoyed that positivity boost!

Here’s a positive spin on things:
Even though I only got out of bed at 1:30pm today- missing the shiur/Seder that I’ve been makpid davka to keep, I still got out of bed cleaned myself up and learnt with my Zaidey Alei Shur on the phone for 40 min (as we started daily).
Also, I pushed myself to the gym to work out.

And even though I had intended to do night Seder/Maariv tonight and instead I procrastinated and missed it as I’ve done repeatedly, even though I feel now like I’m wasting my life and not doing anything- engendering anxiety and anger, nonetheless, I will endeavor to not watch shmutz/masterbate.

And even though last night I intended for today to be a fresh slate with me going to Seder/Shiur and yet I failed, I will nonetheless commit myself again instead of giving up.

I hope that got my feelings across with a tinge of positivity.

YeshivaGuy

No need to get into details.
B’kitzur I was sending a resume of a girl to a friend and when he asked for a pic I was the go between.
Was astonished by how pretty she was, deleted it from my phone etc but she’s a cousin (not close) and hadn’t seen her in years.

Was m’spael and feel like I’m “missing out” etc.
Especialy feeling like I could’ve “made something happen” growing up had I known she was “worth my time.”
Being completely honest and transparent over here.

I hung with a friend tonight, had doughnuts and ice cream which ruins my diet/work out regiment.
And now I’m going to bed super late…

All of this makes me want to see shmutz and masterbate. But right now, despite all of these emotions, I will not give in and will persevere.

Any eitza about the above emotions are appreciated, in addition to how to be manhig (or not) with setting a guy up with a girl.

YeshivaGuy