YeshivaGuy wrote on 24 Sep 2020 20:03:

Maybe you can take some chizuk from this guy who posted when he was in a RV...

Shkoyach, I decided to drive my friend to pick him up a sandwich as he didn’t have dinner. We hung out and I got a Geshmak slice of deli role.
Ended up losing track of time and missed maariv, but bh not nichshal.

Lmaaseh last night was a close call. Gotta be more careful.

Wasn’t the best with Shmiras Eynayim on thurs, and fri night it was running through my mind through davening.
Very disturbing.
Friday night in bed I started getting a lot of hirhurim and was having a hard time so took a higher than usual dose (but safe) of melatonin to make me fall asleep fast, and Baruch HaShem it worked.

I didn’t go to shachris or mincha though.
B’chall I’ve been very bad at minyanim lately.
Honestly, it because I’m just not interested in davening. I used to get such a Geshmak from it, saying pesukei dzimra with kavana etc.
But now I just can’t sit still and focus like that, idk…

Anyway have a Good Night!

YeshivaGuy

It sounds from your situation that you are just having a hard time sitting straight in davening. I remember I had this once (probably on a lesser level but still tough) when I was going through a lot of stress. It's important to remember that it's not that "I don't like davening and i'm not interested in connecting with Hashem" but rather "my body is having trouble sitting straight (because of stress, etc) so it's harder for me to get into davening, but that's not ME" and then it will pass at some point.
hatzlocha

About davening, how do you think you gain from davening with a minyan? 

If you can't think of any way it makes you better, that might be why you lost interest. It's okay, it just means that you should ask a rebbi or look for a sefer that helps find the value in tefillah. 

If you do feel like you get something from it then try to enjoy those things and don't focus on the fact that you "have to" do it. 

This morning: went to shachris things were great.
Then: first seder didn’t work out for dif reasons and wasn’t down for 2nd seder. Felt like I needed to “get out.”
So: Instead of “getting out,” I lay in bed struggling whether or not to masterbate. Started to touch and then held back and was like I better get going.

So I started driving, picked up some Dunkin Doughnuts.
Then, I lost my mind and started driving around looking for pritzus (nothing serious chalila, and wasn’t matzliach).
Mamash lost my mind.
That was for like 40 min.

Then as I was driving I went into teshuva mode, started talking to myself, to HaShem, and began singing a nice song I composed a bunch of years ago to the words ״יעזוב רשע דרכו…״
Kept driving, it was beautiful.
Chapped gas, a soda and a bag of chips, and went to go on a walk in a nearby park.

So things ended nicely in the end, but rough times chevra. Rough times.

Anyway, that’s 50 days!

YeshivaGuy

Soda bag of chips and gas? What a way to celebrate 50 days!

Just Masterbated.

Allow me please to give you guys the full story.
I am currently going through intense trauma therapy.
Before the zman I was petrified about doing it, and though I honestly did not want to bring the iPhone to Yeshiva, I was so scared that I would need extra distractions that I brought it.

I made gedarim on it, but kept slipping.
On Erev Shabbos after having spoken to HHM and my therapist, I came to the decision that I would bring the phone back home, as I have been through the beggining of therapy thus far and, though it will be hard, it’s worthwhile to not have it here.

The plan was to drive home (for a dif reason) and drop the iPhone off there and retrieve my kosher phone.
I was prepared to make this difficult decision, despite still being afraid of not having “distractions.”

I had been having a hard time as I struggled thurs night, Friday, over Shabbos, and I was ready to put this behind me.

And then there was a storm. I tried so so hard to get my parents to let me drive, with my ikur kavana being to get this phone away from me, but to no avail.

Today I struggled a lot with it. And when I drove around today for “pritzus,” it was me looking for wifi…
Finally, tonight, I managed to get YouTube and was nichshal.

Let it be clear, I can not have an iPhone. I did not want to bring it to Yeshiva. It was my excessive anxiety in anticipation of the trauma therapy that drove me to bring it. And now I’m living in the result.
As HHM told me, I created a problem through my own fear, and I made a decision because of a problem that I myself concocted.


All thoughts, critiques, and eitzas are welcome and deeply appreciated.

Thank you all,

YeshivaGuy

Tripped, and something new to learn from.

I just read your "explanation" (it was not there when I originally posted) and my original post still stands.

It looks like you have everything worked out, you know what works and what doesn't, you know that you need help, you are b"H getting that help, all that's left is to daven that they are the right shluchim and that things fall into place quickly. 

You are doing a great job here and are a true hero to everyone! You really are going to get there, you are doing all the right things and taking all the right steps. Just keep doing what you are doing and let time do it's thing, these things tend to take a little bit of that. 

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

YG you are a hero. A struggling hero but a hero nonetheless. Keep on moving forward and upward. May Hashem help the trauma therapy go as easy as possible.

Moreinu YeshivaGuy,

I hate to reference numbers (they are so restrictive), but 50 days - given the storm that you are living through - is absolutely mind boggling. Think of the surfer who remains vertical for 50 seconds. Or the running back who eludes multiple defenders and rushes for 50 yards...

Keep shteigin', brother.

Inspired in Grodno ~ IMG

Ish MiGrodno wrote on 23 Aug 2021 17:18:

I beg to disagree. 











50 seconds? He scored way more than that. 
Don’t minimize his success. Please!!!!

Keep it up don't stop!!