Hi All,

This is the first time I am telling my story to anyone.

I am now 39 years old and have been acting out since I was about nine years old.  I discovered how to by accident and didn't know that there was even a problem with doing it for many years. When I did find out, I was already addicted to it.  In the passing years, I became enthralled with lusting. I would look at and/or touch any girl or women in passing that I possibly could.  I would imagine myself with any women that caught my fancy (just about all of them).  I discovered pictures of women on the internet when I was in my early teens, before my parents even knew that we had internet at home (they thought it was email only). In my later teens, I had a friend who left a porn video easily available on his computer, which I saw.  Since then my taste for it developed and I have been struggling with all the above issues.  I have had some periods of sobriety; mostly they did not last for long.  I discovered GYE a number of years ago, but only subscribed to the emails.  I thought I was strong enough to stop by myself with just that.  I even managed to stay sober for almost two years until I fell again.  That was about three years ago.

I’ve even gotten in to trouble with someone suspecting me of looking at his wife too much as well as some women catching me touching them when passing next to them and threatening to tell my wife or even go to the authorities and yet I still can’t usually control myself.  I tell myself that this time I won’t be caught.

I have been married for over 17 years now and b"h have a few beautiful, smart and wonderful children. The marriage has been rocky most of the time and even though my wife is unaware of the full extent of my issues, she obviously knows that my heart is not in it, but cannot figure out why.  I am not sure I have a full answer either, but it definitely includes my mind wandering after every attractive women I see.  In addition, my wife has put on a huge amount of weight since we got married, which makes her much less attractive to me.

Another big issue is that I am naturally an apathetic person; I get in to moods (/depression?) where I don't really care about any consequences.  I have to somehow transform moods and to function again, but this doesn't happen too often.  I have come close to divorce countless times because of it. 

I have now been out of work for over five years and the main reason I cannot get a job is because I spend so much time on the computer watching movies (mostly not porn, but enough of those as well).  I did this during my previous job and I eventually lost my job because I was not putting in full effort (I was not caught). I'm trying to qualify for some course to update my skill and get a new job, but don't really want to do it.  I want to have a job to get out of the house, but struggle to put in the effort needed.

Overall I have a good life and have nothing real to complain about (we have some passive income). However a lot of the time I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I feel like a faker. I mostly get to a minyan every day, but I don't ever enjoy davening.   I learn a little bit twice a day, but don't really enjoy it.  I feel like a puppet, going through the motions.  I'm not sure this is even the right place to whinge about all these things, but I don't have anywhere else.

There you have it, my life laid bare.

Thanks for reading

WannabeFree

Wow. What an honest and courageous post. Hang around here and iyh you will get out of this mess. May Hashem give you hatzlocha.

It's the perfect place.

Find a life changin' recovery and it will be extremely rewardin', for you and for all those around you.

God speed!

to quote Hashem Help Me," wow ,what an honest and courageous post,"couldnt of said it better! you sound like youre really interested in getting out of this.im sure youll be relieved to hear that there are many people here who went through your situation and are going full steam into recovery and Teshuva , and even getting  your marriage  back into place,it is possible! kudos to you for sticking your marriage out! the process is not overnight and youll probably have some falls along the way, but keep at it and dont let go, one reason being that there really isnt any other option,for you and for many of us ,if not all. chazak vi`ematz! Hashem knows what kind of crazy situation you were born into,maybe this is His Hand that is being stretched out to you to pull you out, grab hold and dont let go!
hatzlacha!

This is the definitely the right place...that feeling of being a faker and living an empty life is all too familiar to many people here, and in all likelihood has everything to do with your struggles.
May you have much success on your journey

welcome !
this not just the right place - it could be YOUR place - where you could befriend good people recovering from similar issues and find the tools to be  helped too .
Hatzlacha 

WannabeFree wrote on 09 May 2018 21:14:


Forget about the public roadways. Hows the pathways of your brain looking?

Often "Lust starts at home"

Do you have an easy ride in your head when you're all alone with no one but yourself - before you hit the road?

Like I wrote in the post, I struggle with this the whole time.  I do not have an easy ride - I'm constantly bombarded with lustful thoughts.

Welcome!  Have you ever spoken to anyone about this?  Have you ever thought about therapy?  It sounds like there are other things going on in your life that you need help with.  They may all be related.

I have been to therapy, but I wasn't happy with the therapist and I don't tell the whole truth when I'm face to face with someone about these things.

So maybe you can tell the whole truth to one of us GYE chaverim.....

Welcome! And keep coming back.

It's about honesty. how can a therapist help if you don't tell the truth? I wasted a lot of years by lying.

Dear WannbeFree,

Your story is similar to mine. I am 38 years old, married for 14.5 years, and have 5 kids. I started acting out without knowing what I was doing, and by the time I did know, I was unable to stop. I discovered the internet when I started college, and things went downhill from there. 
I was in Yeshivah, but not really learning too much. After my marriage, things improved somewhat, but the underlying issues were still there. I would feel like a total faker in Yeshivah/Kollel. I would get into these lethargic moods, and tell myself that I don't care what the consequences of my actions are.
Here are some thoughts that helped me, and "if the shoe fits, wear it".

1) Hashem loves me ALOT. I am part of his Chosen nation, and HE loves me, no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter how I behave or misbehave. This love that HE has for me is totally unconditional.
2) Every one of my actions count. Tremendously! My Neshama has a special connection to HIM, and this connection is unbreakable. Even if one were to have a כרת sentence hanging over him, it only severs the Nefesh, the lowest of the 3 levels of the Neshamah. The higher 2 levels (called Ruach and Neshamah) are permanently bonded to Hashem. This bond is unbreakable, irrevocable, and permanent. As such, every one of my actions has tremendous significance. Even the tiny tiniest good thing that I did has enormous consequences. Every time that I didn't look at something that I shouldn't have, even if 999 out of 1000 times I did look, is HUGE!!
3) I would get into a black mood, and tell myself that I don't care. But, this isn't true. If I really didn't care I wouldn't feel so down. I don't feel any better or worse if I wear grey or black pants, because I really don't care about that. If I acted out, I did feel depressed about it. That means on some level, perhaps buried deeply, I do care about what I do, and I do want to do the right thing. I may have a hard time doing it, but I do want to. It took me a long while to realize this, but the "I don't care about my actions" attitude is really the Yetzer kicking me when I am down! My actions are significant, and I do want to do the right thing.
4) When I finally started to show some improvements, my whole life changed around. The fact that I am on a clean streak, effects my entire day! My davening is better, my learning is better. Other areas of my life are easier to improve, because now I know that I can.
5) No matter what I may have done in the past, I can start RIGHT NOW to improve. I used to think, I am so bad, it's hopeless. Wrong! If my pocket is full of diamonds, and there is a hole, and they are slipping out, just because some of them slipped out, doesn't mean I shouldn't try and salvage whatever is still in there! Even if I messed up 1000 times, that is no reason not to fight for the 1001st time. 
Some practical suggestions that I found helpful:
1) I need my devices filtered! Trying to stop acting out while watching the filth is like entering a boxing ring with my hands tied behind my back! Unwinnable! 
2) I ask Hashem to help me fight this fight. Sometimes, I would be feeling so down, that the most I could manage was a "HELP!" at the end of davening. The more I asked HIM to help, the more I saw HIS hand in events around me, working things out for me. (Case in point, my filter was set to a whitelist, to only allow certain websites. Despite not being on the list, I clicked on a link, and the GYE site opened! I then added it to the whitelist, just to be sure!)
3) My relationship with my wife is starting to improve. A man complained to R. Avigdor Miller that all the other wives are prettier than his. I don't remember the exact answer, but it was something like this "All the other people are saying the same thing about your wife". The grass always looks greener on the other side.
4) Exercise releases endorphins that can work almost as well as anti-depressants. When I do my exercises, I naturally feel better about everything! 
5) If one sleeps with his wife solely to prevent himself from doing something wrong, that is still a Mitzvah. (ראב"ד)
6) Opening up to others on this site is probably the most effective thing that I have ever done in this fight! At first I started with private chats, and then progressed to emails. Someone was kind enough to provide me with his actual phone number, and we speak over the phone from time to time also. 

I hope  you find some of this to be of use!
All the best to you!

Yerushalmi wrote on 27 May 2018 18:52:

Not that my thank you means anythin', but #5 prevented me from clickin'. Keep up the good work. God speed!

Wow! What a story! Good on you for coming here. There are some really great and caring guys around here. Wishing you lots of luck!