Hello

I am 20 years old in a modern orthodoxy yeshiva in Israel. I don't know when I began acting out but I remember my first time watching porn when I was 14 years old. My parents gave me filtered internet and I broke it that very night.

A Rebbe of mine in highschool spoke about GYE to the whole class in case anyone was struggling and didn't want to talk about it. Since then I have been on many times and read many of the articles but I couldn't even bring myself to sign up and actually start working on the problem. I would install filters and have someone else control the password, but I was always able to find a way around. I kept telling myself I was trying to grow but I was really just trying to fool myself into not feeling as guilty. I managed a few times to be clean for 10 days or even 2 weeks, but always have in easily.

Finally after a very bad sukkos full of schmutz I realized I had to change for real. I signed up for GYE, got a new filter that I know I won't be able to get around but  kept telling myself I didn't need (so that I could keep getting around the filter I had), and have been working hard to control myself. I decided to try for 90 days, but was still unable to bring myself to take advantage of anything else offered. The first few days were hard but I managed to get into a rythem in yeshiva and keep away from many opportunities to act out. With a lot of help from Hashem I managed to be clean for 34 days, the longest in at least 4 years.

This past week has been very hard. I almost posted here a few times but still told myself I didn't need to. Today I had a fall. It hurt a lot. I know I need to do something more so it won't happen again but I don't know what, and I am still hesitant to even try.

What should I do? Please help me

Also I am very self conscious and posting this here even anonymously is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have never told anyone about my addiction

Welcome 

You already did the first step by posting here 

I too have reservations when it comes to opening up and posting but that is what one needs to do.
Posting is just a baby step in the right direction keep connected here and you will grow and find what you are looking for
(need to go now but will be back later bl"n)

Welcome growthoriented!

You are taking good incremental steps ;-)

I highly recommend reading THIS story which I host in my signature below - check it out when you have a few min

That was a Heck of a nice first share.

Lookin' forward to the second edition.

Pls feel free to email me.

Yakov

serenity wrote on 26 Nov 2017 01:42:

Hey!

serenity wrote on 26 Nov 2017 01:42:

Hey!

34 days is A LOT!
You're not only on the right direction, you're getting there! 34 is more than a quarter!
I have a brother that is struggling with drug addiction, I saw with him that at first when he decided to stop he fall after a short time but slowly the breaks between one fall in the other got bigger and bigger. Unfortunately, I'm still far from where you are but what I can tell you is that when I will be 34 days clean I will be super excited!
what you should do? I'm not the expert here but I would say you should do the same again, be happy that you were able to remain clean for so long & don't let a fall make you give up. 

Last night after posting this I was feeling very good about myself but still somehow found myself falling a few hours later. My excuse was that since I am starting a new round of 90 days one more night won't make a big difference. I am still proud of how long I was able to stay clean and am ready to start again. I am a little worried of getting stuck acting out only once a month or even longer but being happy with how long I stayed clean and so not get any better. We will have to see how long I manage this time, and hope that won't happen. 

Hey there,
I  similarly modern orthodox, in my 20 and also have struggled for a long time. Come here often and post about your battles, it is good to connect and helps you know that even when you have falls you are still fighting the overall battle and it's all part of the teshuva process. I recently had a fall after starting back here but i know I'm thinking about it and actively working on myself and I keep coming here to talk. Feel free to pm me and don't give up the fight no matter how many falls. Show Hashem and yourself that your fighting and that the falls are not you giving up but part of the recovery process.keep it up and keep us posted please!

welcome aboard 
great 1st post
it hurt means you started working on this 

Welcome. Your honesty and courage in posting is a great first step. Keep posting and sharing. Check out all the strategies GYE has to offer and get to know the successful people here.

I just had another fall. I thought after falling once I would be able to get back up but I suddenly feel like I haven't made any progress since I first started. I don't know what to do

What helped me was connecting with the chevra here. Maybe reach out to some successful people. Iyh you will break free. Whatever you do, dont leave GYE. So many people join and the disappear. Stay and may Hashem give you hatzlocha.

Welcome, and than you for that post.  The first post is the hardest one to write, but also the most important one.  Make a committment to do whatever it takes.  Check out the handbook.  It has progressively stronger tools depending on what you need.  Keep posting and reading the forum.  We know what you are going through.  I was that 20 something in a modern orthodox yeshiva over 20 years ago.  I struggled for many years.  B"H, I'm 8 years sober now.  NEVER EVER GIVE UP!

Can you identify any triggers?  What is your home situation?  Do you have friends, or are you more of a loner?  Are you bored, lonely, angry, depressed? 

The path to sobriety requires getting to the root of the problem.  Acting out is usually the "solution" to another underlying problem.

Do you have anyone you can talk to?  A rebbi you trust, a family member, a mentor of some sort?

Keep posting! I wish you the best. I've been there and know what it is like.