MayanHamisgaber wrote on 26 Nov 2017 18:24:

as is quoted from the kotzker that yaakov cried when he kissed rochel because later generations would not understand the kiss

Thank you all for your support one way or the other..
I actually think the vort is so true, I wouldn't say it on Yaakov Avinu but for we the people this is the case.
Note that I only used my story as part of what brought me in to the problem I have now, I'm trying to get on the right track & just move on..
[it's interesting I noticed last week that it doesn't say in the Torah why Yakov didn't like Leah... Also in the meforshim I didn't find it]
Just for the joke: it couldn't be that Leah was a bigger size than Rachel, cuz this Yaakov would notice even in the dark...

youcan you are good guy. Keep doing the right thing.

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 26 Nov 2017 18:24:

I was just echoing the words of the Ramban on the spot. Please consult with the meforshim you are referring to before using them as a reference. I appreciate your comment though!

Much hatzlacha,

I have looked there and you did not quote the Ramban correctly
It had nothing to do with the lack of decision on Yaakov Avienu's part rather because she did not hint to the fact that she wasn't who he thought she was.......
Also you sounded like this was your own thoughts....

But most importantly as Cordnoy would say this is a public forum and if I have issue with what people say get the hell off a here and get real

B'hatzlacha

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 27 Nov 2017 23:02:

Did you quote Cordnoy correctly

Yyy wrote on 27 Nov 2017 00:39:

I appreciate your comment which is definitely true. It is definitely true that our dear brother can and loves his wife. And this wife is definitely his bashert. 

My point was relating to him feeling a loser for the fact that he was pushed and fooled into something and wasn't given all the details. I feel that such feelings of being ripped off can nudge a person for decades (it would definitely nudge me..) and adds a very different dimension to this struggle. I was not making him feel worse than me - believe me, reb youcan, I am a messed up dude that actively destroys my life by abusing lust - I was merely referring to how he already feels. And for that, I can say that it is a sad situation and our bechir h'avos was also given this nisayon and struggled with it. Whichever way you wanna look at it, Yakov was married to I women he has never chosen to marry in the first place, and as the Medrish says he wanted to divorce her so Hashem had to intervene by making her pregnant. This might add some perspective to your situation.

Reb youcan, your current wife is the one that was named as your zivug 40 days before you were born, regardless of how unjustified the marriage came about. You are faced with a very special and rare struggle that our father Yakov was faced too, namely to be mekabel the ratzon hashem in whichever form it was given. You are far from a loser; for if Hashem wanted he would fool me in just like you. He didn't give me this nisoyon but he gave it to you. Probably because you have the koches to overcome it and accept God's will in your life, koches that I am unfortunately missing. It is rough but it will serve you as an opportunity to grow your love to Hashem and your wife.

youcan, sorry if I came across as a magid with my drushis; and if it doesn't do you any good please please disregard every nonsense I just said. 

May we all be able to accept God's will in our personal lives! 

Much Hatzlacha!
Yitzchok

youcan wrote on 27 Nov 2017 15:10:

look at the דעת זקנים

Welcome!  Thank you for your post.  It must have been difficult to write.    If you have a reason to go to a therapist anyway, why not tell the therapist all about this issue?  I would NOT tell your wife at this point.  I would speak to a rav and/or therapist.  You may want to talk to her some day, but definitely not yet.

I agree that getting a phone to access GYE does not make sense.  There are ways to participate in GYE without a smart phone.  There are phone calls you can be part of for example.  Do you have email?  Can you access GYE on occation from a public computer (where the nisayon is less)?

I'm happy that my post became a shiur with a real rischa d'oraisa
I knew how I feel before you told me how Yaakov felt, so you didn't make it worse.. I didn't start to hate my wife.. I loved her emotionally & i still do because she's my wife & we're living through our lives together (this how it should be, but it's not very popular in today's selfish world), but this is not making my problem easier.
I don't think that the fact that some people struggle without going through what I went through means that this didn't bring me to the problem.

gibbor120 wrote on 28 Nov 2017 14:14:

Thanks. Yes it was very hard to write it, I was typing & deleting till it liked to me that it makes sense to post (& my English isn't too good which didn't make it easier..). But I'm happy I did it, most of my acting out happened when I was in a bad mood, now when I feel like this I open the forum...
We have a tablet at home which my wife uses mostly for shopping, it has a strong filter from TAG (it even blocked GYE sometimes, I had to request them to open it...), the reason I didn't have a smartphone till now was the one you mentioned. But honestly I don't know what's wrong with a phone with a strong filter, no access to browser & only kosher apps. But meanwhile I'm heeding the advice of the experts here (ein chuchom k'baal nisayon...)

I'm alone at home for 2 hours now, a perfect opportunity for... you know what I mean, instead I'm busy reading & posting her on the GYE forum. What a shame
BH the last seven days went through without any incidents, wasn't easy at all times but BH I'm clean & feel good with my self. (I don't know if somebody's interested but I see others updating every few days & as the the chuchom once said: monkey see monkey do... I decided to keep the minhag hamukom at least for now)

youcan wrote on 01 Dec 2017 00:45:

So this mukom is a monkey reserve... thanks. Now you tell me?

I JUST HAD A FALL! After 10 days clean (longest break since I discovered that amazing craziness).
I was fighting that attack since yesterday late night, yesterday I was able somehow to stay clear minded even though it wasn't easy, but today I totally lost my mind! I don't have access to inappropriate materials but when I'm under attack I get triggered by anything related to anything sexual.
I don't know what triggered that attack, nothing was different than the last 10 days.
I know I still have a lot of work here, I didn't tried all the methods yet, this will be my focus now.

BTW, I'm already clean for 15 minutes!...
hope this time I'll have more success.