Hi, I'm a 23 year old chasidishe yingerman, father of 2 kids.

Here are parts of my story which I think is related to my problem:
When I was a bucher I learned very fleisig,  my first time using the internet was a few months after my wedding.
But I always felt strong love to beautiful people, I knew nothing about sex etc. (I knew how ppl have kids, I also knew what happens when you think from nice people but I don't think I ever connected these 2) so I just felt that I want to own them & treat them good (maybe I'm crazy but this is what I felt...)
When I was 17 I was diagnosed with social anxiety (or something similar, my father didn't tell what it was (!)) & I was treated by a mechanech instead of a therapist (!), I never felt that I was healed.
When got in shiduchim my parents never told me what they're considering, I didn't think much about it cuz I was learning in yeshiva & didn't really think what marriage is all about. One night my father told me from a shidduch, wanted I should see the girl, so the next morning we went with the car waited for her to get out of the house and we saw her from across the street while she's wearing a coat... I later understood that they did it cuz the girl was fat & they wanted I should see her before. I saw nothing.
6 hours later we had a beshow, I wasn't able to make my decision cuz I didn't like how she looked but I wasn't sure if this is a reason to say no. I was still under medication for my anxiety (or whatever else), I can't explain the anxiety I felt on that day. I went to my therapist (?) I asked him if this a reason to say no, he wasn't able to answer, so I asked him if I will love her less cuz she's fat (almost double of my weight) he told me no. In the end I decided to do it cuz I felt bad for that girl that already had a beshow & everybody knew that she is becoming a kallah. (You can laugh if you want)
Since then, every time a friend got engaged I was jealous on him.. I can't explain that feeling (I think it's related to my mental issue as well), I felt the same when I went to weddings & also when I walked on the street & saw a skinny woman... So my entire anxiety was now focused on that topic "everybody will have a better wife than me, I'm a loser"
Then I got married & it didn't got any better. My wife didn't know about my issue, even now (3 and a half years later). I was in bad moods at times & she felt it but I never told her the cause. Other than that our marriage is really exceptional, she loves me & I think I love her (I think the reason I'm not sure has to do with my issue) I never told her any of the things I just told you.

The next step was I found Mr. Google, (in my father's office, I don't have a smartphone) so I was able to search whatever was on my mind, I think you know what it was.. I soon discovered that there is a thing called porn & I started to date it here and there.. (I justified it a little bit with the story above) till it got to a point that you can call addiction (I was always more sex minded... I think we had more sex than a average couple, but now it was to bad things).
It went on like this for a few years, I tried to fight it all the time, but if you're here you should know my success rate...
I signed up here a week ago, started the 90 days program, had my first (hopefully last) fall yesterday, so that's why I'm here...

I went to a doctor 2 days ago, I told him I feel tired weak can't focus some times can't fall asleep, I asked him if I lack vitamins, guess what he told me.. Go see a therapist!

I would appreciated any help anybody can give me for any of the above.
I also have 2 questions:
1) how should I deal with my wife? We a very open marriage BH, I share with her everything except for this.
2) since I don't have a smartphone it's hard for me to keep up with gye (we have a filtered tablet at home), so is it the right thing for me to get a smartphone? (with a strong filter of course) I feel it will help me, I will read more on the site, will be able to read more of the gye emails delivered to my hidden email address...

Welcome brother

I think if you follow what your dr suggested the non-hidden therapist who will get to know you will be able to answer your 2 questions

Hatzlacha!

Welcome Chaver.

Thanks for coming here and somewhat opening up.

Wishing you Hatzlacha on the road to recovery.

Welcome, brother!

What a sad story. All I can say would probably do more harm than good. Continue with your psychologist and may Hashem be in your way!! Stick around and you will learn a lot! This is a very warm chavra!

I really really feel terrible for you reading your story.. regarding your second question, yes you should get a smart phone(with the necessary filter) bec. (Based on what you wrote you have  access anyways to open internet)The Reason is so you can have more access to gye like you said and to  expand on that,gye has tips as well as things that you can do on there website at that time when you have a desire to fall and it really really worked with me so I think it’s  extremely extremely important for you to have access to gye when you need it most.....I wish tremendous hatzlacha in everything in life!!!!!

Helpaneshuma wrote on 24 Nov 2017 00:43:

Welcome all.

Wishin' you all hatzlachah.

My apologies, but to get a smart phone just to access gye, is from the most ludicrous pieces of advice I have ever heard. Sorry for bein' so strong.

I guess you don’t know much about a real sex addiction bec if someone is an addict then they’ll access what they want when ever they want it I understand we’re you are coming from bec. We always here not to get your self access to a smart phone bec it’s putting your self in the matzav (vilo liday nisyon) but when someone is an addict they need real help like SA to go  through the 12 steps to get real control over themselves  contrary to  popular belief that’s the facts and I’m not saying this from my self but I’m saying it from real professionals (frum therapists etc.) so if you know what your really talking about you would agree with me       .. Obviously every single case is different but based on what he wrote that’s what it seemed.. 

I have to agree with Cordnoy about the phone. Which brings me to an issue that I have brought up before. Please learn who the sober people are here and get to know them by email and phone. You are asking advice in a forum of people who are using fake names and you have no idea who they are. There are people here with years of sobriety and a lot of experience, strength and hope to share. Get to know them.

I will say your share was very powerful and it is very sad to hear about the way your shidduch was made.  You sound like a very good person and Baruch Hashem have a good wife who you can talk to.

If you would like to talk with me via phone or email, I would consider it a privilege. My email is gomu2serenity@gmail.com.

I would encourage you to email cordnoy, to get on the noon call with Duvid Chaim or to get on Dov's noon call Wed and Sunday. You can email Dov at wequithiding@gmail.com. 

May Hashem help us to be the people He intended us to be.

Yakov 

Thanks for your understanding.
it's just like you wrote, I find my ways to do watch bad things when I want to & I'm doing the craziest things for it. On the other hand I want to get through the gye site & getting the most help I can. I didn't read through the book yet (it's too risky for me to have a hard copy at home now).

FYI, I have now a unblocked phone in my pocket (it's not mine, it was in our office) that I wanted to use for ... But the fact that I'm a GYE kept me from acting out!!

Helpaneshuma wrote on 24 Nov 2017 02:20:

Chaver,   Cordnoy knows plenty about sex addiction and your advice was horrible. 

Thanks for your help!
I'm new to the site & I don't know yet how to work with it.
i will review the links you included.
i would like to ask if somebody can send my links to articles etc. that discuss marriage in such a situation I'm sure I saw things like this here.

Helpaneshuma wrote on 22 Nov 2017 07:04:

I think Cordnoy knows enough about his personal addiction issues, and of many others - probably a heck of a lot more than your frum therapists

And let me tell you somethin' funny
He knows about recovery too- has helped countless guys and gals. And his opinion (highly respected) from what I understand is that whether one is an addict or not, one should not go out and purchase a device with possible pitfalls (it's virtually impossible to have foolproof filtering - ask me - I'm a verified fool) just for the sake of reading some random forum posts or emails of chizuk...

No problem whatever you think everyone has Their own opinion. Just to reiterate I’m not talking from myself but I’m talking from massive massive  specialists who know a hell of a lot more than any guy on this chat group..so take it or leave it trust me.. Hatzalah the argument is over I’m not commenting on this issue again......

Helpaneshuma wrote on 24 Nov 2017 02:47:

Hey we are having a friendly brotherly convo here...

There's no question in my mind that you should heed the professional advice of your therapist who knows you in real lifeover anything anyone here tells you, but did your shrink say that piece of advice that you suggested, that one should go buy a smartphone to access gye?

Not a therapist but someone who has his talks (shmuze)on gye I’m not saying his name just bec I don’t feel it’s right and let me tell u somthing else he’s been 100%sober cleannnn for 20 yes 20 years so I would agree with someone like that....and BTW I got this advise from a very big and  known therapist also.....