For the past few years i have tired to overcome my yetzer hara. Spilling seed has taken over my life and i can't take it. I feel like I'm lying to myself and everyone around me. On the outside, in school, at home, around my friends and family, i am seen as a great kid. Everyone tells me i have great meedos, i do chased, i learn torah and am in top shir. But on the inside i feel terrible. I can't control myself and tried everything within my power. The only thing i haven't done is admit it to someone because i am too prideful of my "image", even though i really know on the inside I'm two faced and everything "good" i do is just a cover.When i was younger my parents got divorced. My father is a terrible peson and abused my mother and all of my siblings at one stage of our lives. He stole via an online company and is currently in jail . He was even evil enough to sign papers with my mothers name on it so she would take some of the fall. As i got older i got a very strong respect and for my mother, and i can't stand hiding and lying to her.Also, once i got into my mid teen years, i developed a want for a family of my own. I wanted to build a basis with a kind, sweet hearted jewish wife and raise beautiful jewish children. I want to be everything my father isn't and wasn't. I can't wait to have an amazing relationship with my kids and wife b''h. I can't help think that eveytime time i "sinned" that i jeopardized that image, and that those thoughts might even be a factor that draw me to "sin".I can't live with myself and have developed a depression side affect. Whats terrible is that even during that time period i can't control myself. I feel week minded and like i will never amount to anything because that will always be holding me backI go to an all boys yeshiva. I try to take everything i learn throughout the whole day but when i get an idea or thought, I'm not rational, and don't think about any of the consequences until after.

Yosef, that was an amazing introduction. Welcome you have come to the right place. Check out the handbook for some guidelines to help you with your life. Try listening to this powerful shiur Shiur Yesodos where he speaks about not obssesing about this issue. When I let go and handed over the wheel to Hashem was the moment I started living.
Hatzlacha Rabba!

 But one of the main advice is to use a filter. But i need to use everything on the web for schoolwork. i.e. youtube for references, random websites for sources etc.

This is a big problem,but I have learned that if you are at your wit's end you will do whatever it takes to get a good filter

Welcome Yosef

Im real sorry to hear all that

Heres my 2 cents

Does it feel like you're imprisoned in this uncontrollable addiction?

When you're able to break free from the jail of abuse and your confused connection with the father you grew up with, that's when you'll be able to break free and start Trucking with us

A filter isn't gonna do much for our guys that suffering like you are

Please keep us posted

yosef10 wrote on 04 May 2017 00:51:

Yosef, I really feel for you. I cannot even fathom what it means to experience the childhood you had. You are strong for even wanting to stop acting out. 
Allow me to share my experiences. I bolded some of your post to comment on. You write that ypu tried everything already. I'm assuming that meant filters as well. Guess you figured out like some of us, that filters do not help. We become experts in bypassing them. The only thing that helped for me is my internal filter. When I'm in a happy positive mood I can withstand the challenges much easier. I needed to figure out that feeling quilty or depressed didn't help and only escalated the problem. I needed to start living positively in order to regain my sanity. I needed to relinquish control of my past, present, and future, to a higher power (God) and realize that not always am I meant to win the battle. But I must get up, brush off the dust and keep on living. Learning about emunah helped me internalize some of these principals. I'm far from perfect, but at least my truck is heading in the right direction. 
Find a Mentor, Therapist, or good friend to talk to. Please keep posting. We are rooting for you!

yosef10 wrote on 04 May 2017 00:51:

Maybe that's the point. This thing is beyond our power.

Welcome, brother. Spend some time here and you'll PG gauge a more definitive definition of what you're going through.

Wow to go thru so much and still try...
Sounds like you need a rebbe/mentor/therapist 
Keep posting and opening up
Recovery should be with Hatzlacha

(try duvid chaims calls or dov's calls)

wow, what a life, I'm so sorry for you, I look at you, that you took the courage to be a buddy in our GYE community, here you will get all the chizuk, support and training how to deal with your addiction, filters on devices are only the barricades, but barricades you can move around, you must get the barricades and you need to work on yourself not to want to move the barricades, they are many good ones out there which you can ask them to open only certain YouTube clips.
stay strong, stay clean, and remember, don't look back, don't look forward, look only on the TODAY, and the TODAY is only  a few hours, not that bad at all...... (easy to say)

yosef10, I hear your desperation and pain.
Thousands of fellow Jews have been/are in the same boat. Good learners, good people, good son/brother/father, baal chessed etc, with a "secret" life.
If you browse around the site you can see for yourself how many there are who have discovered new ways to live.
Depression is often a co-morbidity, with the feeling that this sin is ruining my life and destroying all potential for me to realize the life I dreamed of, that I really want.
It's even stronger for those who were caught by their wives.
Some members here have shown us that this is not the case. Even after hitting rock bottom - feeling with good reason you have ruined a beautiful relationship with a wife, child, parent, most of all Hashem, they have seen things turn around.
You've been through a lot; if you don't have a therapist or mentor, that could be very helpful.
Browse the site, see what you  relate to, there's a lot of help and a lot of hope available for you.
Bezras Hashem, you will one day have the family you want.
Hatzlacha!

Wow, amazing intro post and thanks for that!
The only thing I'd like to add to the previous posters is that I think the more the drastic the situation the more drastic the growth can be. Keep your legs straight and you can jump but bend your knees (going lower in the process) and you can jump higher, the concept of yeridah letzorech Aliyah I guess. Be strong and stay with us here!
Your struggle seems really tough and iyh you'll reach tremendous spiritual heights! iyh much success! may hashem bless your mother and give her and the family strength to strive in these tough situations.

Thanks so much to everyone for your chizuck , love, and support. It really feels good inside that people truly care to give advise and comment on my struggles. Theses times in my life were hard and i hit rock bottom and i stayed there for a while. I've really tried almost everything else and nothing worked, hopefully this will be my last stop. I just don't know how confident i am in myself. I only feel a "bad" for my actions if it affects my personal life i.e. i stay up late and do badly on a test, or be cranky over shakos. But there are times where i just don't care, my mind goes blank, and i don't even fight it. And the times i do, i just gradually "do more" until i actually sin. The only real reason why i started on this website is because i was depressed for a whole week, a serious depression. I don't know how but i went below rock bottom. After being disgusted with myself for the past week i decided to email chabad and aish rabeim to get advice. This is the first time i every reached out to anyone about this and i poued my heart out into those messages (its the same one from this thread). Yet, after about a week of GYE, i could barley make it past 3 days without sinning  because i didn't feel as guilty because i joined the program. B''H my depression went away, but it is really only when I'm depressed and overworked that i can really only make it about a week without falling. I don't know what to do, how to stop, or especially due teshuva. I havent made any real progress over the past 3 years because in the end I'm just back exactly where i started.

You are very courageous and honest. Please realize that you are not alone. You are struggling with something most struggle with. Like many others you trained yourself to release anxiety by acting out. You need to connect with people that can help. You did a great start by posting here. When you are ready you will iyh connect with real people who understand you respect you and can help you b'ezras Hashem.

Yes, your honesty is admirable. 

I think this is part of your teshuva. any small step to the solution is a big milestone. 

Don't kill yourself over the teshuva part. I know that's what made me most insane. Read this:


by Dov

Maybe you can consider therapy? It was the only thing I found to get me out of depression, and that's when I was able to start working on myself. For some reason when I opened up to a real person it made all the difference.
may hashem be with you!
have a great shabbos!!