I have been doing well for a while. I totally wasn't white knuckling. Just plain living life for over 30 days clean. Pre-pesach, and pesach flew through smoothly, then bam, I fell hard.

I acted out, in the past week, not once or twice, but eight times. Dozens of hours wasted.

The biggest problem is I don't even feel the want to stop.
I'm not feeling the loss so eloquently described by Dov in one of the recent emails.
B"H my life is not in shambles.
I am not B"H progressing to worse or more riskier behaviours.
Sadly the fact that it is assur, and I am going against Hashem's will, has not made much of a difference in the past. Perhaps I just have a major deficiency in Yiras Shmayim, or perhaps it is Naase Loi K'Heter already...
Rationally, I can't come up with a strong enough reason to stop.

I have been doing a lot of thinking, I read here on the forums, stories of people's hardships. Some were abused, others lived through pain and suffering. My heart goes out for them. I started thinking, I can understand them acting out. They have a pressing issue to want to escape from. What can I say about myself, what is my excuse?

B"H I am blessed with a good life. No one in my immediate family is chronically ill, no one is OTD, I am happily married. I manage to squeeze through the month more or less. (Usually much less... But B"H, I can pay my rent and put food on the table). Why do I act out? Why do I focus and the little bits of negativity in my life, rather then count the immense blessings I am blessed with?

I have come to the conclusion that just as my acting out is irrational, so to my recovery should be irrational. I cannot reason why not to act out. I just need to say NO, no reasoning at all.

My main source of connection (false connection...) is my phone and it was out of service since Pesach, I had a temporary device with no access to my GYE account, email accounts, contacts. They were all just saved on the other phone. It did have access to porn and I used it freely to act out.
B"H, I don't have it any more and have my regular phone back. Will try to reestablish connections, and set up boundaries.

Day 1 of "just say no", Will keep this thread updated IY"H.

Day 2:
I have not been truthful and honest with my previous post.
I wrote, that acting out hasn't affected my life. It is not true. I am feeling it now.
My loss of patience with my wife and kids. My inability to connect to them. My coldness and lack of willpower to do anything. My isolation from everything and everyone.

I need to be realistic and realize that as long as I don't take care of my main trigger, "just saying no" will not work on a longer term. Why am I resentful over stupid little issues? Do I have such a big ego, that these little things bother me immensely?
Do I want to really leave go of my resentments? Perhaps, I really want to hold on to them, so that I can use them as excuses.

I don't have the answers to these questions. I just consciously know I need to stop, even though subconsciously I do not want to.

Hatzlacha Rabba, everyone

lionking wrote on 16 Apr 2018 13:04:

...
How do you plan on dealing with your resentments?  

Ihavestrength wrote on 17 Apr 2018 04:27:

I really don't know. First step is identifying what they are and bringing them out in the open. Perhaps I will write them out.
I don't have time today for a longer post. I still have a major void in my life. For now I just need to thread water and keep on saying no until I am in a healthier state of mind.

Onward to Day 4.

I know how I dealt/deal with mine.

I had a wet dream last night. Resetted my count to Day 1. 

I'm slowly crawling out of the hole I dug for myself. There is something beneficial just by identifying my feelings and going through them.

I had a wet dream last night. Resetted my count to Day 1. 

I'm slowly crawling out of the hole I dug for myself. There is something beneficial just by identifying my feelings and going through them.

lionking wrote on 18 Apr 2018 18:08:

Why are you resetting? 

cordnoy wrote on 18 Apr 2018 01:45:

Care to elaborate?

I had a wet dream last night. Resetted my count to Day 1. 

I'm slowly crawling out of the hole I dug for myself. There is something beneficial just by identifying my feelings and going through them.